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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

362 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:09

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

OP posts:
BackAwayFatty · 31/03/2021 20:23

I think after the last year, everything key worker deserves a rest! I don't see anything wrong with your DP taking time off without seeing his kids given it is not every holiday.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:24

@BigPaperBag

I say this as an RP with an NRP who doesn’t bother at all btw 😂 Plus I’m also step mum to two kids and DH normally has them every other weekend with holidays agreed ad hoc. He certainly doesn’t use all his holidays

Same. I have 2 DCs, one of which I have full time as I am the only parent, the other I have 70% of the time and I work full time. And SCs approx 8 nights a month (often more, as I said they come and go as they please now).
I couldn’t imagine telling my ex he is never allowed the odd day to himself

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 31/03/2021 20:24

I would have yelled right back ‘ you’re off every day, so what’s your problem’ . I’m not divorced so different, but my kids are here every day. Ive never had childcare so 365 days a year. I quite like them...although they have their moments. Honestly, if this is a true reflection of her relationship with her kids, who are old enough to not need constant monitoring, it’s quite sad.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 20:24

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

EOW plus bank hols isn’t much at all though. That’s a whole lot of child free time away from them without the need for extra holidays.
Yes but most of it is spent at work isn't it so what's your point?
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:24

@BillMasen I’m actually the SM which is why I was being vague

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:26

@TrustTheGeneGenie exactly my point. She has between 9-4 every single school day, plus 2 evenings a week on average, plus EOW, plus every bank holiday, plus a minimum of 4 full weeks a year to herself... with no kids, no work... literally to herself

OP posts:
bogoffmda · 31/03/2021 20:26

So NRP takes 2 weeks Xmas, 3 weeks in summer and no Easter holidays XD, BD 2xmay BH and 1 august. 26 weekends

RP has 5 weeks in summer to cover, 2 weeks at Easter, 3 weeks of half term, NYD, GF and EM. 26 weekends and all weekdays bar 15.

NRP gets it easy - irrelevant whether RP works or not or what RP does when NRP has them.

When RP has them NRP can have holiday - no one stopping NRP

And what is having a child free holiday when you have chosen to have kids, until they are old enough to leave on their own for a week.

COS2102 · 31/03/2021 20:26

Is there anything more irritating than people wanting to know who you are in the situation before they give their opinion?!

Basically, their Dad has done nothing wrong and their mum is being unreasonable.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:27

irrelevant whether RP works or not or what RP does when NRP has them

Of course it’s relevant! She has more free time than anyone I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:28

Also @bogoffmda it’s their mum that has childfree holidays, not their dad. Mum has a minimum of 2 weeks abroad on her own every year

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 20:29

@bogoffmda

So NRP takes 2 weeks Xmas, 3 weeks in summer and no Easter holidays XD, BD 2xmay BH and 1 august. 26 weekends

RP has 5 weeks in summer to cover, 2 weeks at Easter, 3 weeks of half term, NYD, GF and EM. 26 weekends and all weekdays bar 15.

NRP gets it easy - irrelevant whether RP works or not or what RP does when NRP has them.

When RP has them NRP can have holiday - no one stopping NRP

And what is having a child free holiday when you have chosen to have kids, until they are old enough to leave on their own for a week.

What's wrong with having a child free holiday? My child lives with me and I have had a child free holiday....

I actually think the rp has it easier in this scenario.

BlowDryRat · 31/03/2021 20:30

YANBU. I'm an RP and need some time to do normal adult things too.

BungleandGeorge · 31/03/2021 20:32

I thought it was obvious from the post you were step parent and your partner was NRP, but I agree it’s irrelevant. The unreasonable part is that she’s trying to dictate what happens on days he doesn’t have the kids. If he was going on holiday and it would mean that she had to cover for him then she gets a say. Even then the mature and right thing to do is negotiate, swap around etc. At least at 12 and 16 you will soon be able to cut her out largely and arrange directly with the kids

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/03/2021 20:34

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss and their mum has 9-4 every single day without them, what’s your point?[/quote]
Nothing alike if he only has them 2 out of 14 days bar odd couple of hours for tea occasionally.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 20:36

Yes and he also has a ft job. That's a pretty huge difference you're ignoring

SuperCaliFragalistic · 31/03/2021 20:37

Its irrelevant who is who except for the obvious way the post is worded to side with the NRP. I'm sure if the mother were to write it we would hear a whole different story. If your DP feels hard done by or wants to see his children less then he needs to explain this to his ex and stand his ground. What she does and doesn't do in her child-free time is none of your business.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:37

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss are you for real??? I would love 40+ hours minimum to myself a week 😂
It is not comparable, you’re right... because she doesn’t work through choice.
It would be a different story if they both worked full time and the kids were young and she needed help with childcare. They’re older kids who are barely at home and she has all day, 5 days a week to herself

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 20:38

@SuperCaliFragalistic

Its irrelevant who is who except for the obvious way the post is worded to side with the NRP. I'm sure if the mother were to write it we would hear a whole different story. If your DP feels hard done by or wants to see his children less then he needs to explain this to his ex and stand his ground. What she does and doesn't do in her child-free time is none of your business.
He hasn't said he wants to see his children less? Did you actually read the op?
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:39

@SuperCaliFragalistic
If your DP feels hard done by or wants to see his children less then he needs to explain this to his ex and stand his ground. What she does and doesn't do in her child-free time is none of your business

He isn’t seeing his kids less, it was extra holiday he had to use before it expired tomorrow.
By the same logic, it’s none of his ex’s business what DP does with his free time Hmm

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 31/03/2021 20:41

Access is not primarily about giving adults a rest, it’s so that the children can see and have a relationship with both parents. If you work and do the majority of childcare yourself I can totally understand that’s it’s irritating. You did say the kids are welcome to come to you when they want to so fair enough. Many kids do enjoy having a base and then just visiting the other household. Personally I think you’ll just have to stop being dictated to, book some time off when it won’t affect his normal contact time. Take a holiday together and she’ll just have to get on with it

Notcrackersyet · 31/03/2021 20:41

Where we are the court standard variations are: EOW with half of all school holidays. Next up add a Wednesday. Next it’s 50/50. All with half of holidays.
Like that both parents equally share the joy of the logistics of holidays. It’s painful but predictable.
Your problem seems more that the mother doesn’t work so she doesn’t have to meter out her days off whereas your partner does. I can see that is tough but no-one can force her to work. Equally it’s absolutely none of her business if your partner has time off while the children are with her.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:42

Personally I think you’ll just have to stop being dictated to, book some time off when it won’t affect his normal contact time
That is exactly what he did

OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 31/03/2021 20:43

Sorry, I should have said "he doesn't want to see them more than he currently does" not "wants to see them less" my mistake. It doesn't matter the motivation though - who does what with their own free time is their business. Why is his ex partner dictating how he uses his leave and why is his new partner so invested in what his ex does with her days?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 20:45

@SuperCaliFragalistic

Sorry, I should have said "he doesn't want to see them more than he currently does" not "wants to see them less" my mistake. It doesn't matter the motivation though - who does what with their own free time is their business. Why is his ex partner dictating how he uses his leave and why is his new partner so invested in what his ex does with her days?
That's still wrong though isn't it. They are free to see him whenever they want.

All he wanted was a day off alone. That's literally it. Nothing to do with not wanting to see his children more.

BungleandGeorge · 31/03/2021 20:45

@SpongebobNoPants

Personally I think you’ll just have to stop being dictated to, book some time off when it won’t affect his normal contact time That is exactly what he did
You’ve broken the ice now, book a break for this year, I’m sure you need it!