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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

362 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:09

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 31/03/2021 18:59

I didn’t want to because as soon as people see the SM is posting they get a shit tonne of abuse on MN.

I just don't agree. Your views here are perfectly reasonable, so you are not getting "abuse". The pile-ons happen when the SM is not being reasonable and won't accept it.

Bagamoyo1 · 31/03/2021 19:02

@Salarymallory

You say RP But on another thread you say that you have your step children EOW
I think OP’s partner is the NRP in this scenario, and presumably OP is annoyed that he is expected to use all his annual leave to have with his kids
CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 31/03/2021 19:03

NRP can choose to, but should not be obliged I think.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 31/03/2021 19:05

I hope that the children are insulated from their parents wanting to go on holiday without them, they must feel so unwanted if they know this disagreement is going on. His ex has no right to dictate what your DP does with his holidays, and equally what she does with hers is irrelevant. Presumably there is a contact arrangement about how much time they spend where during school hols. There's no reason for him to take time off for secondary age children while they're with him. It's really none of her business.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 31/03/2021 19:05

If the children are at school what's the problem?

I'm still not understanding quite the issue but the ex partner sounds very unreasonable

poppycat10 · 31/03/2021 19:06

No they shouldn't have to use up all their AL to be with kids because we all need annual leave for other things, eg getting hair done or going to the dentist or just having a nice adult day out without the kids. It's not about going on holiday, it's about having time away from work AND the kids, which is allowed.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 31/03/2021 19:06

My ex has taken max 5 days leave per year for the last 11 years to spend with our dc. In fact they just told me he's on 2 weeks leave this week and next - not going anywhere or doing anything - and he's not even asked the kids if they want to visit. He was furloughed last year for weeks whilst I WFH'D full time with 2 incredibly challenging teenagers but didn't let on that he was off. Bastard.

I think you need to get the contact schedule clarified op. It's none of his exes business how he uses his AL, but I would expect there's an equal distribution of childcare. Eg. One parent can't have every weekend and no weekday drudge - it's unfair to both sides as one gets all the crap but free weekends, the other gets all the fun weekends but never any time to relax.

poppycat10 · 31/03/2021 19:07

I hope that the children are insulated from their parents wanting to go on holiday without them, they must feel so unwanted if they know this disagreement is going on

oh dear DH and I have been away a few times without ds. I must ask him if he felt unwanted. Admittedly long weekends, not a fortnight's holiday or similar, but honestly.

However, I do think separated parents are quite childish when it comes to who has the kids when and moaning when it's not their weekend and so on. They are your kids, and they come before your petty squabbling.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/03/2021 19:11

Your probably not being unreasonable from your last post but the loaded question to start and the drip feed is really annoying.

Your OH ex doesn't have any right to tell him what to do with his holiday, but it's not unreasonable to expect him to pick up half the kids school holidays.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/03/2021 19:13

I imagine the children might have their own feelings on their dad having time off and then doing the school runs etc of children that aren’t his rather than spend time with them.

I’d imagine if only having EOW contact a parent would want to use as much as possible, if not all, of their leave with their children as EOW is so little.

Livelovebehappy · 31/03/2021 19:13

I would guess if you are looking for experience of your situation, and don’t want a bun fight, there is a step parents forum which you could post on?

TheFiend · 31/03/2021 19:17

@LaceyBetty

I didn’t want to because as soon as people see the SM is posting they get a shit tonne of abuse on MN.

I just don't agree. Your views here are perfectly reasonable, so you are not getting "abuse". The pile-ons happen when the SM is not being reasonable and won't accept it.

That’s not true and anyone who’s been on mumsnet for a while knows it. Step parents get a shit ton of abuse on here, even when they are clearly trying their best. Sometimes for no reason at all. If one person starts, a lot of others jump on the bandwagon. I can understand where the op’s coming from.
MagicSummer · 31/03/2021 19:17

What is NRP and what is STAPH - too many acronyms!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 31/03/2021 19:18

@MagicSummer

What is NRP and what is STAPH - too many acronyms!
NRP = non-resident parent. STAHP - stay-at-home parent.
HelenHywater · 31/03/2021 19:21

I would expect the NRP and the RP to have the kids for half the school holidays each. And to take that time off as leave, or make arrangements for childcare for their half of the time.

Other than that, if the NRP has more days leave than that, then that is for the NRP to use as they want.

I think in your case the RP sounds a little bit unreasonable.

@mrsm43s I LOVE to go on holiday without my children. I don't think that makes me an unnatural mother. It's just really lovely to get a break.

fwiw my exH has had my children for 5 days (1 week) holiday max in each of the last 5 years.

I also think that where NRPs who only have their children eow need to step up more in the holidays. It's exhausting being the RP, and having your own children EOW isn't particularly helpful. (which is probably why I like to get a few days holiday on my own each year).

Sportsnight · 31/03/2021 19:25

EOW is so little though. I expect that’s adding to it if she does everything else. Even adding in 2 weeks in summer, he’s nowhere near parenting 50:50. I totally think your husband should be allowed to take days off without the kids (I like days off days off without the kids too!) But I expect the fact he has them infrequently is playing into his ex getting the hump about it.

sunset900 · 31/03/2021 19:26

I think a NRP should use some of their annual leave to look after children in the hols, to the same extent the RP does eg. Each cover equivalent of one day per week for example to minimise any childcare costs, but not all. This would also be true if the RP didn't work but for the purposes of having an extended break which wouldn't happen with a normal EOW arrangement although it sounds like the current arrangement already allows for that anyway.

Also, as they are secondary age I would imagine very little annual leave is required from a 'childcare' viewpoint anyway. So no, YANBU to think people are allowed some annual leave for their own personal use.

ihateaparade · 31/03/2021 19:27

I'm assuming they have a set contact schedule and he pays maintenance that has been determined by the court which is based upon that schedule...and the Ex now thinks he should have his kids whenever he has time off from work. So the Ex is, of course, also proposing to have him pay less if he's got the kids more than the agreed upon time...because that would be reasonable. Lol. This is, frankly, none of her business.

Everyone is entitled to personal time. Even NRPs.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/03/2021 19:28

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?

Why would they NOT?

Sorry, but you sound like 'that' stepmother.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 31/03/2021 19:30

@poppycat10

I hope that the children are insulated from their parents wanting to go on holiday without them, they must feel so unwanted if they know this disagreement is going on

oh dear DH and I have been away a few times without ds. I must ask him if he felt unwanted. Admittedly long weekends, not a fortnight's holiday or similar, but honestly.

However, I do think separated parents are quite childish when it comes to who has the kids when and moaning when it's not their weekend and so on. They are your kids, and they come before your petty squabbling.

That wasn't my point. There's nothing wrong with parents choosing to take time away without their kids, but arguing about who should take annual leave when because they don't want the children around is a totally different thing and runs a risk of making the children feel unwanted if they are aware of it.

Mum and dad making pleasant arrangements for dc and going away alone - fine.
Mum and dad rowing about wanting the other to have the children on x dates so that they can go away without them - likely that child feels like a burden if they're aware that they're in the centre of this row. Imo.

SpeakingFranglais · 31/03/2021 19:32

12 weeks holiday a year to cover for school. Six weeks each. I doubt NRP gets more than six weeks leave a year, but possibly if an NHS worker with a number of years service.

Do I think it’s fair they use six weeks of their leave to cover? Yes. If they get a few bank holiday days in lieu on top of their leave allowance then that’s a bonus.

Six weeks each to cover, how they each cover it is their business.

Crumpsly · 31/03/2021 19:33

If he has them 50% of the time, including school runs and difficult days not just lovely days out, then there is no problem. He can use his leave as he wants but if he was having them half the time he’d probably find most of his leave was taken up by school holidays.

I’d have no respect for a partner with children who didn’t have them 50% of the time. Aren't you worried he’ll treat your DCs the same one day?

LaceyBetty · 31/03/2021 19:34

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?

Why would they NOT?

Sorry, but you sound like 'that' stepmother.

I don't spend every day of my AL with my kids. Sometimes I get my hair done or have a weekend away with girlfriends or clean the house in peace. Sounds like schedule is in place so it's none of the RP's business what he does on other days when he doesn't have the kids (who are teenagers btw).
LaceyBetty · 31/03/2021 19:36

@Crumpsly

If he has them 50% of the time, including school runs and difficult days not just lovely days out, then there is no problem. He can use his leave as he wants but if he was having them half the time he’d probably find most of his leave was taken up by school holidays.

I’d have no respect for a partner with children who didn’t have them 50% of the time. Aren't you worried he’ll treat your DCs the same one day?

I love my father dearly, but, certainly as a teenager, would not have wanted to move between my mum's and my dad's 50:50. EOW and one night a week was fine and far less disruptive that 50:50 would have teen IMO.
LaceyBetty · 31/03/2021 19:36

*been