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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

362 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:09

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 19:15

@Salarymallory find it as you like, it’s the truth 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Salarymallory · 01/04/2021 19:27

But if literally every single detail goes to show how reasonable your dp is, without exception, and how reasonably you think he is...

Why would you start a thread on AIBU?genuine question

MzHz · 01/04/2021 20:15

Honestly @SpongebobNoPants don’t even react to her ranting. Either call the police on her or slam door in her face

Just ignore. Put yourself on mute so the others on the call can’t hear

Stop reacting to her

Your dp can literally do what he likes

LolaSmiles · 01/04/2021 20:30

Yes he does, he books his annual leave to accommodate the dates she wants to go away, usually in term time which means he isn’t even benefitting from extra quality time with the kids.
So he chooses to use some of his annual leave at a convenient time for her, and could equally say no if he wants the holidays and has limited annual leave.

The rest of the long list you gave about how he's doing things 'for her' aren't for her. A father taking his children to their friend's isn't FOR the ex, it's for the child. A father taking their child to medical appointments isn't for the ex, it's for the child. A father being an active parent isn't a favour for the ex; it's being a responsible father who is stepping up.

I probably do have a chip on my shoulder about her not working because there is no reason for her not to be other than laziness. To be honest I find it incredibly irritating that she constantly pressures both DH and I (yes me, individually) to have the kids more so she can have a break. She often says things like “why can’t spongebob have them?” When I’ve just finished a 50 hour working week and I’m looking after my own DCs
She's wrong to pressure you to have them on your own, but it's not wrong to ask a father to have his own kids. Just because she is a SAHP doesn't mean that a non resident parent can hold it over them like "why should I have my kids this afternoon when you don't work?"

You seem to have it in your head that because she doesn't work (and she may well be lazy, she sounds like a drama llama as well FWIW), that anything your DP does is somehow a huge favour to him and warrants a gold star.

Her finances and work situation are her issues. Yours and your DP's finances and work situation are your issues. He should be being a full and active parent because it's the right thing to do and it's what a decent father does, and you'd probably be a lot happier if you saw it that way instead of a saintly non-resident dad doing things for the lazy ex.

Petlover9 · 01/04/2021 21:08

What does NRP and RP mean please?

Yourcatisnotsorry · 01/04/2021 21:35

This post definitely reads as though they aren’t your kids. So maybe butt out and leave it to the parents to sort out.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 21:42

@Yourcatisnotsorry I’m perfectly happy to... unless she turns up at MY house shouting abuse whilst I’m working and on a zoom meeting. Then it becomes my problem.
It’s also my problem when she thinks I should do childcare when DP isn’t available and she wants free time.
She’s dragged me into this, not the other way around 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
cherish123 · 01/04/2021 21:52

Not the point, but how can someone not working afford a holiday 🙄.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 21:54

@Yourcatisnotsorry

This post definitely reads as though they aren’t your kids. So maybe butt out and leave it to the parents to sort out.
Are you being serious?
LucieStar · 01/04/2021 21:55

@Yourcatisnotsorry

This post definitely reads as though they aren’t your kids. So maybe butt out and leave it to the parents to sort out.

Am I missing something? They're not her kids. So that's why it reads that way, surely?

Carpedimum · 01/04/2021 23:30

I’m with you @SpongebobNoPants - the ex sounds bonkers & controlling, I feel for you, and you definitely don’t deserve the stick that you’re getting on here. Your DP should not feel one iota of guilt for having some time off by himself. You sound like you’re trying very hard to create a harmonious blended family and I applaud you for that.

Beverley71 · 02/04/2021 08:07

I’m finding this really hard to follow. What is a RP and a NRP?

Scottishskifun · 02/04/2021 08:29

It sounds like your DP has pandered to her behaviour for too long and she wants to be the one who dictates to him!

Of course your DP shouldn't use all his annual leave for the children EVERYONE needs some downtime to themselves.
It sounds more like she is peeved because she would have wanted a trip or something.

Your DP needs to tell her it's none of her business and if that is her behaviour then she isn't welcome by the house.

She sounds very self entitled and it's nothing to do with her children!

Rachel1874 · 02/04/2021 08:36

So you want to go on holiday twice a year solo... but they are not allowed time of from their work to enjoy solo activities? Did I get that right? If so YABU 100%

Rachel1874 · 02/04/2021 08:41

Nvm I have seen some replies. She is the one BU!
My DH ex likes to think I should also be open to being childcare, actually so does DH he will come out with things like well no I can't get him unless you are happy to have him and take him home. Em no I'm not happy with that (long story as to why, won't go into).

bogoffmda · 02/04/2021 09:00

OP - you have changed your ask - it is now about the 3 days and in response to that no he does not need ot tell the EX.

DS2 lying behviour - you are contradicting yourself on timelines

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 02/04/2021 10:19

@bogoffmda I haven’t changed my ask, people have quizzed every aspect of our set up and I’ve answered their questions.

My original question was whether it was unreadable for my DP to use 3 days of annual leave to have a rest and not use all of it to have his kids more.

Timelines aren’t contradicting at all, I know my own life and when things happened Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 02/04/2021 10:20

Unreadable Grin I meant unreasonable obviously

OP posts:
Salarymallory · 02/04/2021 10:53

@SpongebobNoPants

Unreadable Grin I meant unreasonable obviously
But very clearly neither you nor your partner think in any wet even remotely unreasonable. Right from your op and onwards has that appeared unwavering

So what were you hoping to to get from the thread?

FreddieMercurysCat · 02/04/2021 10:57

No, your DP is not being unreasonable. His ex is being a massive CF though. None of her business if he has an extra few days especially as he is still running them about.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/04/2021 11:48

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@bogoffmda I haven’t changed my ask, people have quizzed every aspect of our set up and I’ve answered their questions.

My original question was whether it was unreadable for my DP to use 3 days of annual leave to have a rest and not use all of it to have his kids more.

Timelines aren’t contradicting at all, I know my own life and when things happened Hmm[/quote]
Given the ex is being stated as having all day to relax/rest when they are at school why would he need the evening as well?

I’d find it very strange to have annual leave and not want to see my children. Not like at those ages he needs to do nothing overly energetic in the evenings, even more so during lockdown.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/04/2021 11:51

Oh because you find it strange it MUST be wrong Hmm

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 02/04/2021 12:03

I’d find it very strange to have annual leave and not want to see my children
He has though. He’s taken them to and from school and also asked them to stay over on Wednesday. I’m not sure why ex is so angry? The kids were at school all day anyway.
She’s very much of the opinion the kids should be forced to come if she decides. I posted on here a while ago about her being angry because SD16 wants to be able to decide whether she wants to stay over at our house, which I think given her age is reasonable.

OP posts:
Takwxiab2 · 02/04/2021 12:07

But the OP said the children didn't want to stay over in the evenings. The option was there if they wanted too. By the same argument then the mother doesn't need to have evenings off seeing as they don't need to anything energetic with kids that age. No one is saying the father refused then to come stay during his annual leave. He has even picked up and dropped them off from their mother's house so they didn't have to get the bus because he had the time off work to be able to do this. I think some people on here just want to find a way to criticise the OP despite what seems everything is reasonable for him to take some AL and rest considering he is a keyworker during the pandemic. Have some considerations here. OP sounds like you and your DH have a good handle on supporting each other and all the children and protecting each other.

MzHz · 02/04/2021 15:22

Fuck me, has nobody ever taken a day off? For themselves, to get something specific done, to do something that’s not kid centred every so often?

Only in ML-world is it a crime to take a day off.

I do hope these people realise that to not prioritise yourself or your relationship as adults not only means kids grow up thinking that the world revolves around them only to have the truth crash down upon them, or that couples realise they don’t even know the person they’re married to anymore.

Balance in this stuff is key.

@SpongebobNoPants YANBU, neither is your oh. You know this. You know that his ex is bonkers

A strong response would be an idea. Dp tells his ex that she’s not to come to your home uninvited again, that he’ll see his kids whenever they want to see him but he’s not going to check in with her everytime he decides to book leave or whatever

From now on, all arrangements re the dc need to be between the dc and their dad.

Literally she gets blocked on everything except email, and he only replies if it suits him to.

This is the only way this shit stops tbh.