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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

362 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:09

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 12:25

@blackcurrantjam

It really does seem to me that you're stuck on her not working. And you're resentful. So either you focus more on your own life or actively change a situation that doesn't stack up. The cm for example. That would shift things as she would have less money and therefore be forced to work, which ultimately would be good for her and a good example for her children.

If all the stuff about him actually doing way more than EOW is actually true.

How do you suggest they "change" the cm?
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 12:27

@blackcurrantjam

SpongebobNoPants

He doesn't facilitate all this 'for' his ex
Yes he does, he books his annual leave to accommodate the dates she wants to go away, usually in term time which means he isn’t even benefitting from extra quality time with the kids

Surely he books his AL to cover his contact time, and then her going away is simply a by-product? Or is the 'her going away' extra?

Also if the court ordered contact time is not true/being followed and he is genuinely doing more like 50/50 can he stop paying CM. That would be fairer, no? If it's actually true that he's doing more?

She is telling him what weeks to book off because those are the weeks she is going on holiday.

They don't seem to have set weeks , it seems to be when she needs him because she won't be there

(Correct me if I'm wrong op)

You can't just stop paying cm lol. Again, doesn't really work like that (unless ex is agreeable which lets face it she won't be!)

blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:30

Well if he just stopped paying it, it would go back to CMS and she would have to justify why she should have it and he would have to justify why he shouldn't pay it. Or they could try mediation.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 12:31

@blackcurrantjam

Well if he just stopped paying it, it would go back to CMS and she would have to justify why she should have it and he would have to justify why he shouldn't pay it. Or they could try mediation.
They only take into account the amount of overnights.

They don't give a shit about the mental load, having tea or otherwise so they would enforce it.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 12:31

Mediation doesn't work with people like this, believe me, I've been there.

blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:34

If the weeks that she wants to go on holiday don't fall in her non contact time, he could just say no then. If they do, then that's just the way the cookie crumbles. As much as it might grate, what she does when he is being a parent is entirely up to her. Not necessarily a good example but there we are.

It's hard to tell what's really going on here sometimes Confused because we only have one side. What would the ex say? That's what the system assessments are for.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 12:35

They only take into account the amount of overnights
This is correct. We had them almost every day during the most recently lockdown from 9am - 6pm but because they wanted to sleep at their mum’s house it doesn’t count in the eyes of CMS.

OP posts:
blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:36

Why don't they want to sleep at your house?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 12:36

@blackcurrantjam

If the weeks that she wants to go on holiday don't fall in her non contact time, he could just say no then. If they do, then that's just the way the cookie crumbles. As much as it might grate, what she does when he is being a parent is entirely up to her. Not necessarily a good example but there we are.

It's hard to tell what's really going on here sometimes Confused because we only have one side. What would the ex say? That's what the system assessments are for.

Do you know how the CMS works? Doesn't sound like it. They don't "assess" anything except the number of night, wage, and other children living with the NRP.

He could have the kids 9am -9pm 365 days a year and he would still pay full whack CMS.

And yes, of course he should say no but how do you think she'd react? More shouting on the doorstep?

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 12:37

If the weeks that she wants to go on holiday don't fall in her non contact time, he could just say no then
He could, but he’s not a massive twat and doesn’t mind doing it so his ex can have a break. Unfortunately after yesterday it’s become clear this kindness and civility only works one way, so I expect he won’t be so eager to facilitate her holidays again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 12:38

@blackcurrantjam just home comforts I guess, they share a room here so maybe that’s why. Nothing sinister, they just like having a base home. My DS is the same, he adores his dad but likes to have one main “home” even though both residences are his home.

OP posts:
blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:41

It's not being a massive twat to have boundaries. People don't like setting boundaries because of the fall out. Like TrustTheGeneGenie said - more shouting on the doorstep. But better boundaries are much healthier for everyone involved. Including the shouter on the doorstep. If she continues shouting on the doorstep, there is the legal option.

But I do ask again, why don't they want to sleep at your house?

blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:42

Ok you answered that... Tough one. Best of luck! Try boundaries Flowers

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 12:43

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@blackcurrantjam just home comforts I guess, they share a room here so maybe that’s why. Nothing sinister, they just like having a base home. My DS is the same, he adores his dad but likes to have one main “home” even though both residences are his home.[/quote]

My 14 yo dd prefers to stay here with us for the same reason sometimes - it's her main base and she prefers that stability. She still stays with her Dad but it's far less now (through her own choice) than it was when she was younger. I think that naturally happens with teens.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 12:44

@blackcurrantjam they do sleep at our house, but they don’t always want to do extra nights here... sometimes just come for the day or have dinner. They’re older so we’re happy for them to choose when they want to come outside of normal contact times.
I answered your question already, why are you expecting a different answer?

OP posts:
blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:45

X posts OP, saw that!

justasking111 · 01/04/2021 12:50

@SpongebobNoPants

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids? Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year. RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

Well no idea what NRP or any other things mean so cannot advise except to say YABU not to make it clearer
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 13:14

@justasking111 they’re common acronyms on Mumsnet.
RP - resident parent
NRP - non resident parent
SAHM - stay at home mum

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 13:15

SAHP - stay at home parent

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 13:15

EOW - every other weekend

OP posts:
justasking111 · 01/04/2021 13:25

@SpongebobNoPants

SAHP - stay at home parent
I did try googling NRP mumsnet no result except for medical ones.
BungleandGeorge · 01/04/2021 13:28

Have you posted before that you don’t want the kids there when their Dad isn’t at the house?
It’s fair enough and you’re under no obligation to have them but surely it’s going to totally scupper your holiday plans if he has to take time off whenever he has them? They can get to school on the bus so at 12 and 16 wouldn’t it be better to have your oh continue working when he has them and then you can have holiday together? Especially if they’re at school all day.

Excilente · 01/04/2021 13:54

I can't decide if posters are spectacularly missing the point, or just being obtuse...

If he's fulfilling the 50/50 on holidays weekends with his ordinary/normal annual leave, then what he does with any extra holiday is none of his exes business.

He is allowed a couple of days off to himself while all the kids are at school.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 15:10

@BungleandGeorge no they are welcome here, what I’m not doing is looking after the 12yo for my DP and his ex overnight on a regular basis. As a general rule, if she wants to stay overnight then it’s on nights my DP is not working.
She can at times be difficult with my kids and has told lies about me so I want DP here for overnight stays.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 15:11

Also, as I’ve said several times I facilitated both SCs being here over lockdown

OP posts:
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