Page 11 | Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

SpongebobNoPants · 2021-03-31T17:09:39+00:00

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids? Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year. RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children. YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 09:51

@HelenHywater

I know and I've already said that the exW is being unreasonable expecting him to use additional days to spend with the children.

But half of the school holidays is reasonable. Unless he wants to change the arrangement.

That's not the arrangement!!!!!

frazzledasarock · 01/04/2021 09:53

usually if contact is shared, it works out as EOW plus one day a week and half of all holidays.

So it would enable either parent to go on solo holidays should they choose.

GarlicMonkey · 01/04/2021 09:54

Is it reasonable that NRP is solely responsible for their kids 6 weeks a year when the NRP only has the responsibility for 46 weeks.

Do you really have to ask? Good grief.

frazzledasarock · 01/04/2021 09:55

If the NRP is having the DC more, then surely they are the RP and the other the NRP?

I'd suggest discussing CM (if it is being paid) and changing it accordingly.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 09:57

@HelenHywater I’m not resentful, I just think it’s bizarre to expect a working parent to pay for childcare when the other parent is available?
I wouldn’t expect my ex to pay for childcare if I was at home all day.
Like I said, it would be different if both were working and needed childcare to be able to work. The kids are older and don’t require childcare really and their mum is literally there, at home.

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Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:04

Is it reasonable that NRP is solely responsible for their kids 6 weeks a year when the NRP only has the responsibility for 46 weeks
She isn’t solely responsible for them though, we literally live a 5 min walk away and the kids come and go as they please. Set contact is EOW plus 2 nights for dinner. DP does the majority of pick ups and drop offs to friends / to places/ activities, takes them to all dental, hair, opticians appointments and doctors if necessary.
He also does all the organising of paying for school dinners and bus passes for schools etc.
She is not ever “solely responsible” for them.
The mental load is pretty fairly split to be honest.
He also works a very stressful, pressured job and she doesn’t. So the kids are at their mum’s more than here.

I hardly think DP is unreasonable for having 3 days to himself when we regularly facilitate this for her.

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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 01/04/2021 10:04

My first husband had our ds 8 school holiday weeks a year (lived too far apart for EOW). It was up to him to cover those weeks, whether annual leave, unpaid parental leave, family, or paid childcare - absolutely none of my business so long as ds was well cared for! With ds2’s dad he has him every other weekend plus about 4 holiday weeks.. usually agreed based around when he can get annual leave. It sometimes frustrates me that he sees me as the default parent (eg.. he’s not long started a new job, presumably hasn’t accrued any AL yet, so hasn’t asked to have ds at all this Easter) but I’m a SAHM (due to disability) and I’m happy having ds, so really what can you do?
I realise that doesn’t really answer your question OP!

Bibidy · 01/04/2021 10:07

He should definitely be able to use his holiday however he wants. He doesn't have to use it all to have the kids.

How does his ex even know when he's taking holiday anyway?!

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:10

@Bibidy because he was picking up and dropping his kids off to save them getting the school bus and because he enjoyed seeing them in the morning / after school.
Their mum didn’t know until yesterday he’d been doing this then questions the kids who told her dad was off work... cue her storming around to our house and screaming abuse on our doorstep.

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LolaSmiles · 01/04/2021 10:23

It's good to see from your updates that he's more involved than many NRP.
It very unusual for a NRP to genuinely be doing almost everything all week for the children other than them staying over. It's good for the children though to have involved parents.

But this is awful:.
I hardly think DP is unreasonable for having 3 days to himself when we regularly facilitate this for her
He doesn't facilitate all this 'for' his ex. He is an involved father for his children because they deserve to have a father who is involved in their lives.
Yet again it's the idea that non resident parents doing parenting is somehow a favour for their ex instead of part of being a parent.

It sounds like you've got a real chip on your shoulder that she doesn't work to be honest.

JustSleepAlready · 01/04/2021 10:25

Sounds like NRP does more than their share, going by first post. have the kids EOW, and For dinner throughout weeks between, and takes them during school breaks plus so that sahm can get to go in solo holidays as well??? Someone’s taking the piss here and it doesn’t seem to be NRP....

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/04/2021 10:29

@LolaSmiles

It's good to see from your updates that he's more involved than many NRP. It very unusual for a NRP to genuinely be doing almost everything all week for the children other than them staying over. It's good for the children though to have involved parents.

But this is awful:.
I hardly think DP is unreasonable for having 3 days to himself when we regularly facilitate this for her
He doesn't facilitate all this 'for' his ex. He is an involved father for his children because they deserve to have a father who is involved in their lives.
Yet again it's the idea that non resident parents doing parenting is somehow a favour for their ex instead of part of being a parent.

It sounds like you've got a real chip on your shoulder that she doesn't work to be honest.

He is facilitating her going away alone though isn't he? He's having specific weeks she wants him to have because she's going away.

I'd have a chip on my shoulder if someone who didn't work dictated to me what I did with my free time after my extremely long working week too. In fact I don't know anyone who wouldn't be fucked off with that.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 10:34

This thread has really moved in an interesting direction. Seems like a competition to see who can have their children around least! My parents used to argue with each other who got to see us more.

Not saying, however, that the OP is wrong here. There is no way the RP should be dictating anything to the NRP and making a scene at their house. That's outrageous. Poor kids.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:46

He doesn't facilitate all this 'for' his ex
Yes he does, he books his annual leave to accommodate the dates she wants to go away, usually in term time which means he isn’t even benefitting from extra quality time with the kids.

I probably do have a chip on my shoulder about her not working because there is no reason for her not to be other than laziness. To be honest I find it incredibly irritating that she constantly pressures both DH and I (yes me, individually) to have the kids more so she can have a break. She often says things like “why can’t spongebob have them?” When I’ve just finished a 50 hour working week and I’m looking after my own DCs

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Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:48

@LaceyBetty I can assure you DP is not trying to “see them the least”. He’s a very involved dad, he just needed a couple of days down time after an incredibly stressful year at work. I hardly think him using 3 days of his annual leave constitutes him trying to see his kids less.
And as I’ve said several times, we actually asked the kids to stay over yesterday but they didn’t want to

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LucieStar · 01/04/2021 10:48

@SpongebobNoPants

He doesn't facilitate all this 'for' his ex Yes he does, he books his annual leave to accommodate the dates she wants to go away, usually in term time which means he isn’t even benefitting from extra quality time with the kids.

I probably do have a chip on my shoulder about her not working because there is no reason for her not to be other than laziness. To be honest I find it incredibly irritating that she constantly pressures both DH and I (yes me, individually) to have the kids more so she can have a break. She often says things like “why can’t spongebob have them?” When I’ve just finished a 50 hour working week and I’m looking after my own DCs

I honestly don't see how anyone can understand your frustration with her after reading this. Urgh I'm annoyed for you and I don't even know the woman.

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 10:49

@SpongebobNoPants

That was how anyone can NOT understand your frustration after reading that.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:52

@TrustTheGeneGenie and @LucieStar thanks

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BungleandGeorge · 01/04/2021 10:54

I still don’t understand why he has to book time off during term time to look after a 12 and 16 year old. If you live near the mum they can use the school bus??

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 10:55

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@LaceyBetty I can assure you DP is not trying to “see them the least”. He’s a very involved dad, he just needed a couple of days down time after an incredibly stressful year at work. I hardly think him using 3 days of his annual leave constitutes him trying to see his kids less.
And as I’ve said several times, we actually asked the kids to stay over yesterday but they didn’t want to[/quote]
Yes, I wasn't really referring to your situation. There just is a lot time spent discussing why some parents seem to deserve more time away from the kids than others etc. I don't disagree with you or you DP at all in this case. I think kids do much better when the schedules are set and not overly ad hoc based on who's got AL at any given time. I would have found that very stressful as a child. Even as a teen.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:57

@BungleandGeorge sorry, not a drip feed. He has to work nights on a regular pattern and those particular holidays meant he was working nights so he had to book time off to accommodate her going.

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Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 01/04/2021 10:58

@BungleandGeorge I meant “sorry, not trying to drip feed”

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blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:14

What do single parents do with no childcare options when working nights? Or do they just not work nights?

blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:18

SpongebobNoPants

He doesn't facilitate all this 'for' his ex
Yes he does, he books his annual leave to accommodate the dates she wants to go away, usually in term time which means he isn’t even benefitting from extra quality time with the kids

Surely he books his AL to cover his contact time, and then her going away is simply a by-product? Or is the 'her going away' extra?

Also if the court ordered contact time is not true/being followed and he is genuinely doing more like 50/50 can he stop paying CM. That would be fairer, no? If it's actually true that he's doing more?

blackcurrantjam · 01/04/2021 12:21

It really does seem to me that you're stuck on her not working. And you're resentful. So either you focus more on your own life or actively change a situation that doesn't stack up. The cm for example. That would shift things as she would have less money and therefore be forced to work, which ultimately would be good for her and a good example for her children.

If all the stuff about him actually doing way more than EOW is actually true.