Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

[SpongebobNoPants]

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

I think it’s fine for both parents to use a couple / few days to do something themselves.

I did raise an eyebrow when exh took a whole week off, but as the holidays are split 50:50 ish between us, his time is still his time to cover. One of our dc is primary aged, so if he’d rather pay for a holiday club then he can.

I don’t say this because I don’t want my dc but because we both work full time, so I’m working during his half of the holidays.

If you add our leave together it still doesn’t add up to the full school holidays, so it does have to used wisely!

Sounds like she’s just trying to exercise an element of control over your DP. I’d slam the door in her face if that was me

TrustTheGeneGenie
I've repeatedly said he doesn't have to use all his annual leave for children so I don't get your point.

My issue was the OP's argument about how his ex gets all this child free time and he doesn't, when actually he spends the vast majority of the month being child free. The OP disputes this because he goes to work.

Is he entitled to have some down time himself? 100% yes.
Is a non resident parent who spends most of the month without his children child free? Yes, and going to work doesn't change that.

@LolaSmiles

TrustTheGeneGenie I've repeatedly said he doesn't have to use all his annual leave for children so I don't get your point.

My issue was the OP's argument about how his ex gets all this child free time and he doesn't, when actually he spends the vast majority of the month being child free. The OP disputes this because he goes to work.

Is he entitled to have some down time himself? 100% yes.
Is a non resident parent who spends most of the month without his children child free? Yes, and going to work doesn't change that.

You're deliberately misunderstanding.

The issue is his annual leave.

It's his free time.

He's child free in that yes his children aren't there, but in terms of actual free time, where he can do as he pleases he gets significantly less than his ex because he works.

I still don't understand why he can't use his AL to go on holiday like she does

@blackcurrantjam

I still don't understand why he can't use his AL to go on holiday like she does

That's the whole issue, she doesn't think he should do that. She thinks every day of his annual leave should be spent with his children.

I'm not deliberately misunderstanding. Non resident parents typically so considerably less than resident parents.
His ex can't just disappear on holiday for a week without thinking about where the children will be as the children are her responsibility most of the time. She has to make arrangements if she wants to go away.
He can do what he likes as long as it doesn't hit his EOW. In terms of time spent having to factor in the children, he has more days available not being primary carer for the children.
She gets time during the day not with the children. He gets all the midweek evenings and every other weekend he doesn't have his kids.

She doesn't get to decide that he can't have some days in the garden because doing that is unreasonable. He doesn't have to use all his annual leave for his children.

The whole tit for tat based on non-resident parents apparently hardly getting time for themselves is daft.

He's child free in that yes his children aren't there, but in terms of actual free time, where he can do as he pleases he gets significantly less than his ex because he works.

Entirely his business.

That's the whole issue, she doesn't think he should do that. She thinks every day of his annual leave should be spent with his children.

Not up to her, that's between him and his DC.

@LolaSmiles

I'm not deliberately misunderstanding. Non resident parents typically so considerably less than resident parents. His ex can't just disappear on holiday for a week without thinking about where the children will be as the children are her responsibility most of the time. She has to make arrangements if she wants to go away. He can do what he likes as long as it doesn't hit his EOW. In terms of time spent having to factor in the children, he has more days available not being primary carer for the children. She gets time during the day not with the children. He gets all the midweek evenings and every other weekend he doesn't have his kids.

She doesn't get to decide that he can't have some days in the garden because doing that is unreasonable. He doesn't have to use all his annual leave for his children.

The whole tit for tat based on non-resident parents apparently hardly getting time for themselves is daft.

Yes I agree, it's none of her business and vice versa I just think he should be allowed leave alone as she is! All im saying is he gets less opportunity because he works.

@blackcurrantjam

That's the whole issue, she doesn't think he should do that. She thinks every day of his annual leave should be spent with his children.

Not up to her, that's between him and his DC.

Yes that's literally the point op is trying to make lol.

Oh good! Glad we cleared that up

TrustTheGeneGenie
I think we are on the same page regarding the annual leave

I just get a bit fed up hearing about how poor non-resident parents don't have much child free time when they typically have loads of child free time (like all but 4 days a month), and most of us who have our children with us manage to see our kids, spend time with them, do the whole parenting thing each day, work, do our hobbies, do the gardening etc. If we asked resident parents what they could do with 27 days a month without their kids around I bet they'd get loads done.

Haven't RTWT but it seems quite simple to me. RP and NRP have agreed a fair division of time to each have the children. RP and NRP are both responsible for childcare during their own time. RP and NRP can chose to discharge that responsibility during school holidays through taking annual leave or holiday clubs for 12yo if necessary (16yo should be able to stay home alone during the day). On top of that, NRP should make an effort to take the kids on one main holiday and maybe a couple of smaller trips during the year. Besides that, it's up to the NRP how they use their AL.

Haven't RTFT but I don't think it is unreasonable for NRP to take the odd day off for personal reasons, particularly if RP is SAHP of schools aged DC not working from home or anything.

@DarkMatterA2Z that’s pretty much what I said too. You just divide up the time, and each parent covers it as they see fit!

@Waxonwaxoff0
I don't believe that someone who doesn't work and has teenage children only has to attend a couple of courses, and can afford all these foreign holidays. So either you're stretching the truth or she has some kind of job on the side
She 100% has not worked for over 3 years and has never had a full time job.
She has had several partners over the last 3 years, perhaps they paid for her to go on holiday, I have no idea. All I know is that she is unemployed through choice and feels it’s her right to be a STAHM.
She’s not been asked to attend any courses at all since the start of the pandemic but before that she’d have to go on back to work courses every 2-3 months... I know because I often had to cover the childcare whilst she did this.

I also helped her get a job with a friend’s brother in law, she turned up for the first week then never went back so got fired.

@LolaSmiles

TrustTheGeneGenie I think we are on the same page regarding the annual leave

I just get a bit fed up hearing about how poor non-resident parents don't have much child free time when they typically have loads of child free time (like all but 4 days a month), and most of us who have our children with us manage to see our kids, spend time with them, do the whole parenting thing each day, work, do our hobbies, do the gardening etc. If we asked resident parents what they could do with 27 days a month without their kids around I bet they'd get loads done.

Oh yeah I totally understand that, but then when I think what I could get done if I didn't work is far more than if I didn't have children so in this specific situation it's swings and roundabouts isn't it

@SpongebobNoPants

I dont know how anyone on here can think that your being unreasonable. I think your Husband needs to tell her to fuck off now and not put up with this any longer. They are not together so she doesnt get to dictate what he does in his spare time. He sounds like a decent father and is doing what he should be doing.

She sounds extremely entitled and needs to be taken dow a peg or two. Do the kids get embarrassed of their mums behaviour? My mum used to do this shit sometimes and I hated it!

I get the mental load thing, but if I heard someone who was a ‘stay at home parent’ to kids that age make a comment on what anyone should or shouldn’t be doing with their annual leave I would struggle to stop myself snorting with derision.

Do the kids get embarrassed of their mums behaviour?
Yes. This isn’t a one off

@MiddleParking I also fail to see why DP should be obliged to cover half of the school holidays or pay for holiday clubs for half of the holiday when their other parent is at home and not working.
It’s bizarre.

Of course it would be totally different if childcare was required for both parents to work. Childcare isn’t required anyway, they’re 16 & 12 for goodness sake 😂

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@MiddleParking I also fail to see why DP should be obliged to cover half of the school holidays or pay for holiday clubs for half of the holiday when their other parent is at home and not working.
It’s bizarre.

Of course it would be totally different if childcare was required for both parents to work. Childcare isn’t required anyway, they’re 16 & 12 for goodness sake 😂[/quote]
Because they're his children too? Because that's their arrangement?

You just sound resentful and jealous now.

You're mistaken @HelenHywater it's not their arrangement.

That is quite literally the issue. She wants him to do MORE than the arrangement. She wants him to use all his annual leave with the children, even though he is currently doing X amount of weeks as per the arrangement.

If you're going to call op resentful and jealous, at least try and read and comprehend the thread.

I know and I've already said that the exW is being unreasonable expecting him to use additional days to spend with the children.

But half of the school holidays is reasonable. Unless he wants to change the arrangement.