Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

[viixie]

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

@toconclude
And don't start assuming you have a diagnosable condition,that just fuels the ' "normal" people are all in a certain narrow range' narrative. They aren't.
What you say here feels truly freeing. I've been grappling to find these very words for a long time. There seems such a tendency to label these days.

@AngeloMysterioso

So women talking to each other about their lives, careers etc is superficial/trivial/small talk to you?

Well jeez op, we can’t all be as fascinating and intelligent as you are.

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have

Yep.

Just want to make sure you see this message again, OP.

To be honest, I really don't mind a bit of small talk. I'm probably shallow.

In the end, most conversation is not about providing intellectual stimulation. It's often just about maintaining social bonds. I usually feel quite grateful if someone wants to exchange a few words with me.

Actually I don't mind small talk. But sometimes trying to find a way into talking in this way in a group (even a small group of say four or five) feels extremely difficult. That is why I feel on the periphery of these groups so often.

@ComtesseDeSpair

“Females” don’t all talk about the same things, you know; perhaps this is as much about the friends or acquaintances you keep as anything else, and that you don’t actually have much in common with them so don’t find the conversation productive or interesting.

It’s fine not to enjoy the company of large groups or particular conversations. It’s not a sex thing, except to the extent that women are socialised to think they should gossip and want to gossip more so than men. It’s fine to search out different friends who talk more about the things you like, and also fine not to want many friends.

This. I can't chat about soaps, sport or other people I don't know but I can talk for ages with people of either sex (but actually I prefer talking to women) if we have something in common.

I only socialise with people I have things in common with, so no I don’t find their talk boring.
My friends are my friends because we have things to talk about that we find mutually interesting. I don’t make ‘small talk’ or ‘trivial talk’ with friends, only with acquaintances. Do you have friends you actually have things in common with OP?

You're not broken, a lot of people just talk a lot of bollocks that isn't interesting. Who cares who the woman down the road (who you have no idea who she is) is shagging? Or how bad x person's lip filler is on the school run, it's all just so draining - it will only get better when you cut these people out. Get new friends, get a dog, spend time on your own, but don't give your precious time to people like that

There's nothing wrong with being introverted at all. It doesn't make you weird or broken and a lot more people than you think find socialising difficult. I do!

The thing is though, as somebody said in a previous post, the main point of small talk is to make social bonds, not convey information. If you avoid small talk you are going to find it difficult to build relationships.

Secondly, I don't understand the disdain. You have a problem chatting but why do you have to turn it into something that's wrong with other people? Are you really sure your conversation is much more interesting a stimulating than other peoples, or is it just that you don't know how to chat?

Finally, why females ?? It is odd and distancing to use that word, as if you were writing a police report or women were an alien species. It's like calling your car a vehicle.

Do you ever look at people talking and wonder why they find the conversation interesting ?

Internalised misogyny with a generous side order of superiority, what a treat you are, OP.

It's hard for the people in society who are genuinely not at all interested in others.
I've met a few who will proclaim to be ' a people person ' then totally shut down anything other people say! You have to do ' give and take' with conversations or small talk as well.
I'm a good listener. People like this I think.
All depends on the situation as well.
If someone started talking about art , I could only be superficial about it as I don't know enough to be an expert. I could say what I liked or which artists I preferred , but anything technical would stump me a bit. Plus I can't draw for toffee.
Depends on the situation too. A group of women who are life long friends with history together might be hard to chat to. I've had this in the past. They made it hard going so I gave up! If they are not your sort of people it can be difficult. You have to have common ground.

Why is it misogynistic to say “woman talk”?
I think some people here don’t understand the term “misogynistic.
Woman talk is more common amongst women. They talk about people rather than things.
Men talk is more common amongst men. They talk about things rather than people.
Neither is better than the other. It’s not an insult to say “woman talk”. It certainly isn’t misogynistic! - unless you think something preferred by women is automatically inferior?
I prefer the male style of talking and I’m also an introvert so I hear you OP.

Maybe they're a bit dull
Maybe you're a bit dull
The whole thing sounds like hard work.

You do come across as slightly superior but I think your problem is moving to a level of friendship with the 'wrong' people where you are meeting up and going for walks etc. I know many, many people with whom I fairly surface level (perhaps trivial) chats with but they never go beyond chatting when we bump into one another or for example, talking at the school gates. I am actually quite judicious about making actual friends and only do that with people for whom I feel its a mutually beneficial thing of shared values or laughs or interests, of real connection. I have gently let previous friendships go where I got overwhelmingly to the 'Oh God I must ring X, I feel bad'. Friendship, like any relationship should mostly lift us up and bring good things to our life or we are wasting both of our time. For a true friend and true connection, you will also of course be there for each others travails too.

Some of you people talking about "girly chat" and " woman talk" and "trivial talk" are mother of girls I assume. Shameful that's your attitude really.

Do you not enjoy the chat because you feel you can't contribute or because you find it boring? If the former, then yes, you probably need to work on your social skills. If the latter, go find other friends.

But quite honestly, what on earth is "small talk" to you because this idea that women's chat is trivial and small is incredibly insulting. A group of women speaking about their children may well be boring to someone else, but it's not "small talk" nor is it "trivial". Small talk is when you chit chat about the weather, traffic etc. Just because the conversation isn't one you enjoy, doesn't make it pointless.

I know you backtracked on the 'woman talk'/'men talk' thing....but I'm curious to know
What do men talk about?
What do women talk about?

They talk about people rather than things. Men talk is more common amongst men. They talk about things rather than people.
I do not really recognise this in the people I know.

You view them as beneath you. I too think that the 'woman talk' reference was mysoginistic - you tripped yourself up there. Probably because your mind was taken up with grand and fancy thoughts about the universe and such....

@ismiseeire

You view them as beneath you. I too think that the 'woman talk' reference was mysoginistic - you tripped yourself up there. Probably because your mind was taken up with grand and fancy thoughts about the universe and such....

And what’s wrong with that? It’s not grand or fancy to want to talk about the universe. But, like you, lots of women won’t talk about it.

@HazeyJaneII

I know you backtracked on the 'woman talk'/'men talk' thing....but I'm curious to know What do men talk about? What do women talk about?

Men talk about terribly, terribly important business. Don't you know. It's frightfully interesting and important.

Women talk about dreadfully dull things. Sinks and such. Don't know as I don't listen.

@HazeyJaneII
I’d like to talk about Merrily Watkins with you for a start.

It’s not grand or fancy to want to talk about the universe. But, like you, lots of women won’t talk about it.

And that’s specific to women, is it?

@HazeyJaneII

They talk about people rather than things. Men talk is more common amongst men. They talk about things rather than people. I do not really recognise this in the people I know.

I don't either - though I have noted when men talk about people they rarely get the negtive gossip lable attached to their behavior.

Did a quick search and one of the first links was this - which was an interesting read.
thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/do-women-and-men-talk-differently

When listening to peoples inane chatter I’ve learnt how to pretend I’m interested for politeness sake - but it’s painful. I’m definitely not broken and I’m sure I’m not autistic (apologies if that’s not the correct term) - it’s because small talk is soooooo boring to some of us. I do however appreciate that some of my relatives/acquaintances find me difficult to converse with -

Them: ‘Did you watch Coronation Street last night?’
Me: ‘No, I don’t really watch tv’
Them: ‘Oh....... did you watch Call the Midwife at weekend then?’
Me: ‘No, I was probably reading’
Them: ‘Oh......... did I tell you what Jim’s next door neighbours grandson did?’
Me: Kill me now.

I just try to be polite and breathe a sigh of relief when the conversation is over. What else can you do if you want to keep good relationships with relatives/acquaintances?