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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

359 replies

viixie · 31/03/2021 13:39

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
YoniAndGuy · 31/03/2021 15:27

@dworky

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have.
Yup.
Naunet · 31/03/2021 15:28

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have

This.

BertrandRussell · 31/03/2021 15:30

Been away from Mumsnet for over a year. Pop back-and the first thread I come across is a “Oh, women are so trivial and gossipy- give me serious men’s conversation any day!” thread.

randomlyLostInWales · 31/03/2021 15:31

Could it be the group you're currently around?

I'm an introvert and shy to boot but I am very curious about most people and thanks to years of watching IL interacting and then years of toddler groups I'm not so bad at small talk now.

My problem often is that I seem to attract arseholes - people who reject any topics I introduce or make a point of being rude - I've had to learn a whole set of additonal social ways to deal with them on top.

I have found an unlooked for advantage of motherhood is whole topic of conversational interest that transends generational divides and even sex divisions within the family and can be useful source of conversational knowledge outside of my family.

The men in our family aren't really into sport though I've seen them fain a general interest in some social interactions with other men - so I don't think it' just female conversations that aren't on big topics and I've certainly met men who are really bad gossips.

sur125 · 31/03/2021 15:33

I hate small talk. I can do it if I have to but it is, as you say, draining. One to one is always better. My personal definition of hell is a hen do.

Itsalonghaul · 31/03/2021 15:34

Welcome back bert I wondered where you had disappeared to! Glad you are back :)

HarkAVagrant · 31/03/2021 15:37

The thing about small talk is it is not necessarily about what’s said. It’s a social lubricant, like chimps grooming each other. Whatever is being actually said, what is underlying it is “I exist. Hey, so do you! Let’s validate each other’s existence for a while.” It is also a way of gauging people’s views and opinions to see whether you can take conversation to the next level. If we all went steaming into every conversation with our high level opinions about literature, art, politics, ethics and religion, no doubt we would be arguing a lot of the time, and that would be pretty stressful. Instead we bumble around validating each other’s existence and finding out what we have in common. www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/out-the-ooze/202001/why-small-talk-is-big-deal

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 31/03/2021 15:37

BertrandRussell I remember you from your contributions to discussions about religion. I noticed that you had 'disappeared'. Hope you stick around for a while.

Mrsjayy · 31/03/2021 15:39

What do you want to talk about op that you find general chit chat boring ? I don't know why you call these women friends if you find them tedious! Nobody needs to join in on conversations they don't want to but belittling your friends to chattery gossips Hmm

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2021 15:40

I think you may be an introvert somewhat (so am I) but with the added problem that you are with the wrong set of people. I just switch off with some people. My brother says you can see it happening, I listen to the first 30 secs and then my eyes wonder...He says he then knows I am not listening to a single word.
But with others I seem to be on the edge of my seat, I just find them interesting.

Confusedandshaken · 31/03/2021 15:40

@CounsellorTroi

I find the same OP. In a mixed group I often find myself genuinely more interested in what the men are talking about. I enjoy one on one chats with my female friends more than groups.
When my husband and his mates get together they will talk about 'football, music charts of the 70s/80s and 90s. Then they will reminisce about teachers at their school and maybe holidays they have shared. It is deathly dull. DH will come home and I'll ask "how is X's son - did he get that job"?' Is 'Y's mum still having treatment or have they stitched to palliative care?' 'how Is Z's job doing - did she get a decision on that big case?' And he will never know because they only ever talk about sport and times past, never anything interesting.

He is off to play golf with 2 of them now. It's the first time they've met since last autumn. I know he will have nothing to report when he comes back.

speakout · 31/03/2021 15:40

HarkAVagrant

Yes, but within that framework of "smalltalk" there is room for nuance, deep connection, humour, but a lot of smalltalk is just banal.
Big difference in my view.

Benjispruce2 · 31/03/2021 15:42

Lots of women do engage in chit chat and gossip. I’d say way more than men. If you’re not into that it can be hard with certain women. Perhaps you need to engage more with people (male or female) that share your interests for more meaningful conversations.

AngeloMysterioso · 31/03/2021 15:45

So women talking to each other about their lives, careers etc is superficial/trivial/small talk to you?

Well jeez op, we can’t all be as fascinating and intelligent as you are.

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have

Yep.

SorryPleaseTryAgain · 31/03/2021 15:45

I don't recognise this description of woman talk at all. With my friends we usually talk about books we've recently read, good films we've watched, current events/politics and of course we talk about what people have going on in their lives with work, new projects etc. The one thing I struggle with is people going on about house extensions and moans about builders etc... I usually tune out when people talk about those topics, luckily none of my friends tend to go on about that stuff.

Maybe you need to find friends that you have more common interests with?

HarkAVagrant · 31/03/2021 15:46

speakout I don’t know, to me the point of small talk is it’s when you don’t particularly want to deeply connected with somebody, but you do want that connection with another human being. Like, if I am at a wedding and sitting at a table with people I don’t know, or with work colleagues, I don’t particularly want a deep connection with them, But I’d like some kind of connection.

ladymuck111 · 31/03/2021 15:46

This is how I am. Small talk, general chit chat tires me out. I don't ever feel like I have anything interesting to say or that anyone is that interested in what I have to say. I feel like being too quiet is one of my faults but I can't change who I am.

EchidnaKidney · 31/03/2021 15:48

OP people are getting really upset about this men/women thing but of course there is a difference in dynamics between a group of women who might be acquainted but not friends and a group of men who are acquainted. This is "on average" and doesn't apply to all groups but come on we all know what OP means...
I'm totally with you in that the typical chitchat e.g. in the staff room at work (more woman then men - and to be exact pre covid) is excruciating. Bake off, weddings of people I don't know (and oh god no close inspections of people's dresses!) recipes and restaurants people have been to. Then holidays past and future. Then people checking in on the relatives of colleagues who they don't know - "how's your mum's house move going?" or "Did you get that jacket you wanted for your daughter?". It's clear some people love this kind of human contact but to me it's exhausting and awful. I'd much rather sit in the car on my own and have a rest or even work through lunch. When in the office I would try to join occasionally but I would suffer from it with a worse than normal afternoon slump. Loving working from home for that reason.
I know I sound a bit uncaring with the relatives thing... I do care about things that matter though.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 31/03/2021 15:51

I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home,

Serious question then, why do you go?

TatianaBis · 31/03/2021 15:51

What conversation topics interest you? What do you like to talk about?

medebourne · 31/03/2021 15:52

females

It sounds like you are giving a police report.

the80sweregreat · 31/03/2021 15:52

Best way sometimes is to let the other person lead the small talk! Or ask them about themselves.
Pre covid ( a few years ago ) I could extract all kinds of info out of a stranger just be being politely nosy. Nothing personal of course, just chit chat about what they like to do or where they work or hobbies or whatever. People love talking about what they are doing. I could gage the ones who were happy to chat away and the ones who were a bit suspicious of my motives even though it was only small talk. Lol.
Some are harder to crack. Some love the attention of being all about them!
It was a knack I've sadly lost over time. Plus I've known people a long time now so I know all these things anyway. I've Not been to a party in ages either :(
When your young it's nice meeting new people.
I guess the internet has changed how we chat to people maybe?

speakout · 31/03/2021 15:53

HarkAVagrant

That informal chit chat is excruciating.
I don't value it, it is effort, gives my no pleasure.
I do it because it is expected of me - but I try not to get into situations that require it.

Tootsey11 · 31/03/2021 15:53

Surely it depends on the topic of conversation.

Wroxie · 31/03/2021 15:53

Maintaining social interactions through 'small talk' is something that shows you are interested in other people and generous enough to try to make them comfortable around you. Just because you don't enjoy it or it doesn't come easily for you doesn't make you somehow superior to those who do enjoy it (or who at least make the effort). Quite the opposite, in fact.

If you actually want to get better at it rather than writing incredulously about how ANYONE could POSSIBLY enjoy it and how TIRESOME other women are (yes, I know you didn't say that, but you very clearly meant it)- try asking people questions about themselves and actually listening to what they have to say, and then asking follow-up questions that show you've been listening. It really is that simple.