Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

[viixie]

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

Me too.
I much prefer one to one meet-ups with friends, in groups (even if same people as my one to one friends) I feel uncomfortable and misjudge how to interact, and feel a bit shy if I’m the one talking, or start worrying I’m talking too much. Absolutely no problem when just one person.
Most people who know me would consider I was an extrovert, but I think underneath I’m an introvert who manages to act like an out going person.
It’s not small talk as such, it just seems that conversations stay at a pretty superficial level in groups, whilst with one person the conversation ebbs and flows through various levels.

a shared activity that brings them closer and promotes social bonds. Men tend to do this by wittering about sport or cars, women by discussing mutual acquaintances/children. If you accept that the content of the speech isn’t really the point, the togetherness is, you may get on easier

OP, first of all, you are not broken. It often helps to understand exactly what people are doing by going beyond what is superficially apparent (as per Babdoc's explanation in this case). You will be able to accept it for what it is and find it less irritating.

Other than that, my suggestion is, keep these friends if they are good people but also look for others who are more inclined to having deeper conversations and with whom you have more interests in common (men or women)

@dworky

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have.

beat me to it!

Woman talk

We have two ears and one mouth, and should use them in that proportion!

...which is only possible if you're not in a one-to-one conversation

It’s fine op. You’re not broken.

I'm very introverted, but I must admit I'm struggling to see how people talking about their lives is small talk, unless they're talking about no more than what they had for breakfast. When I meet up with friends we may talk about some fairly minor things, but we will also catch up on what is going on each others' lives, and about family and mutual friends, and I think that's pretty important. Do you seriously only ever discuss weighty stuff with other people?

OP I have no idea what 'women talk' is. You seems to be talking about shallow drivel. Aren't men capable of talking about shallow drivel or is it only women with their tiny minds? Now people are talking about not being NT.

Perhaps 3bn women aren't all the same and it's just those you are hanging around with. Find people you're better suited to.

I don't really watch TV and haven't got a clue who half the people I talk to are talking about when it comes to celebs and other trivial shit. It doesn't mean I'm not NT or not a woman, it means I have nothing in common with them.

I'm an introvert like you OP, but one thing I've learned is that if you want to get more out of a social event, you have to put the effort in. Before you go write down (this could be mentally, although I write a note on my phone) some ideas for things you'd like to talk about. News about your life, books, podcasts, current events, random facts. Why are you waiting for everyone else to bring interesting conversation to you - you aren't the queen being entertained by court jesters! Make the interesting conversation yourself.

You just haven't found your tribe OP.

I dislike shallow drivel too. And men are just as able to drone on about shallow drivel as women.

I have one best friend and we chat about all sorts of things. It's nice. She is interesting and we've known each other so long now it's more like having a sister than just a friend. She likes a two way conversation so it's not just about her which is lovely. Too many people only like to talk about themselves or things I find a bit boring.

Other women I struggle with too. I've learnt not to go out with them and just keep my own company. Much easier all round.
A cup of tea and a good book is far more enjoyable. Much prefer this! I've become an introvert over time though and never been into shopping or girlie things anyway!

I think you have the wrong friends!

My friends and I talk endlessly about current affairs, politics and the economy! We can chat for hours about philosophy. I would say I enjoy the conversations I have with them more than anything in the world.

What DO you like talking about? Start there. What does interest you? Who interests you? What can you chat about and it doesn't bore you.

If you can't find anything or not very much, then it is most definitely the way you are. You are not a talker and there is not much you can do about it. If you do find there are areas of great interest, then find some friends that enjoy that kind of conversation as much as you.

Everyone can chat mindless dribble, men are at the masters at it in fact, but if you are look for something more meaningful then you need to change the people you spend your time with...

Life is too short to be THAT bored by anyone. Stop joining them for walks if you don't enjoy it.

What would you like to talk about? What would you like to know about someone else?

One friend doesn’t enjoy small talk but we can chat for hours about her work because it’s what she is passionate about. Another friend has had a difficult pregnancy so if we met we’d talk about how she is doing. Different things with different people is fine. If it’s a large group we’d talk shared interests, news, future plans etc. That feels different to gossip though

Do you seriously only ever discuss weighty stuff with other people?

I find that some people just cannot or don't want to have deep conversations. No idea why

Same, also don't seem to fit in with other women

I had plenty of female friends up until 14 now I just feel shy and awkward. Even though I was bullied 14-16 it was by both boys and girls so I don't get it.

Thing is I want to but I just struggle, don't get it!

[quote viixie]@Pumperthepumper yes I much prefer one on one conversation and it doesn't have to be someone I know well. I think in a group I'll sit back and let others do more of the talking but I do try to get involved. I almost feel like people don't notice me sometimes. I could say something and it's almost like what I have said is insignificant compared to what everyone else has to say? 🤔

Generally one on one is fine. Sometimes I do find it hard to think of extra things to talk about when we have been together a while [/quote]
You just sound a little quiet. It’s not a bad thing at all, but if you want to not be so quiet or be ‘ignored’, then casual chit-chat just takes practice. It’s not supposed to be deep. It’s partly a bonding thing or sometimes a stress release.

Fake it till you make it! Respond, make comments, nod enthusiastically, and soon you’ll get into the kind of rhythm of it.

In general, if you’re the kind of person who gets stuck for topics after a while, try to turn things back on the other person/people eg “Oh, how did your day with Great Auntie Ethel go? I know you were worried because you hadn’t seen her for some time?” Then respond sympathetically to their answers.

People like good listeners.

You're not broken but I can see why you can't do this.

However, I think this is a skill (I used to be introverted, especially as a teenager) that can be built on.

It's not that hard to just ask a few questions about them, their lives etc - even if you're thinking inside 'god this is boring, I don't want to be here'. And sometimes you actually find them saying something interesting.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

You don’t have a lady brain so must be trapped in the wrong body - transition now!

It's rigid stereotypes that have led to this confused, completely nebulous gobbledygook about 'Gender Identity', IMO. It's also the reason I've always strenuously resisted them.

Which makes me gender non-conforming. Which means ...

Head. Desk, Thump.

Ha, ha, I've been told I'm a bloke trapped in a woman's body by a work colleague. I'm not, I'm perfectly happy being me.

I can do cars and vans and things that interest me, like weightlifting and baking. Am ND tho...

"woman talk" and "females" - meh. I'm a woman, I'm not sure what "woman talk" is. I talk. About: food, football, gardening, music, politics, books, woodwork, cars, what I've watched on TV, work, stuff. I hadn't realised there were categories.

Get better friends with similar interests.

@dworky

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have.

This.

I was at 'woman' talk.

Women aren't all the same.

Sounds normal to me.

I have circles of "friends with whom I share an interest" and we mostly talk about the shared interest.

I'm very similar to you OP. I'm more introverted than extraverted, and find a lot of what other people talk about pretty dull. It's mainly chatter about TV (I'm not really a TV person) or stuff about kids (I am a mother myself but to go on and on about people's kids is boring).
I'd rather talk about music, stand up comedy, beer and the meaning of life but no other women I know seem to be on the same wavelength!
Just letting you know you aren't alone.
I get round it by being a good listener and dependable so I know I'm a decent friend. Ask questions too.
I find people who constantly talk about themselves (most people I know!) self centred and boring so try to avoid doing that myself.

If you find that your own unvoiced thoughts are often more intriguing than other people's voiced thoughts, it's probably a boon.

I call this girl talk, girly shit drives me batty with bored.

*You're not broken but I can see why you can't do this.

However, I think this is a skill (I used to be introverted, especially as a teenager) that can be built on.

It's not that hard to just ask a few questions about them, their lives etc - even if you're thinking inside 'god this is boring, I don't want to be here'. And sometimes you actually find them saying something interesting.*

Yes us introverts can do these things, but it doesn't make it fun for us, nor stops the exhaustion we feel after periods of extended group chatter.
If you met me you would think I was an extrovert.
I can chat easily in group situations, to people I don't know, I have been employed in several jobs where talking and social interaction is paramount- high level technical sales.

I able able to ineract, but I mostly don't enjoy it.

Alone is my favourite place.

@Lolalovesmarmite

You’ve basically just described me except that I don’t really bother trying anymore. I just accept that I’m not a people person. I’m not lonely or isolated, I’m very happy, I just prefer my own company.

Me too!

Small talk and chatter is utterly exhausting. My hobbies moved online last year. I join the zoom groups not a second before start time and leave immediately at the end. This way I dodge the mind numbing tediousness of other people banging on about their lives.

I’m really hoping my hobbies stay online for evermore.