Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

[viixie]

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

You are hanging out with the wrong women. You need to find a Marie Curie or an Eleanor Roosevelt to hook up with.

‘ Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas .’ - Marie Curie

' Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. ' -Eleanor Roosevelt.

I hate groups and can just about do one on one but lockdown has made me realise that actually I much prefer my own company and that of dh and dds (even then truthfully I prefer the cat about 60% of the time. I think I am just an introvert who really can live without outside interactions and probably largely will from now on

Why don’t you talk about subjects you find interesting then?

When there is a lull in the conversation why not say “oh did anyone see XYZ documentary / is anyone reading anything good atm / where would you travel if you could anywhere etc”

Just because some people like trivial or small talk doesn’t make them superficial or uninteresting. I like deep and meaningful conversation, I love talking about emotions and psychology and spirituality and lots of different deep subjects but I also love a chat about make up, fashion and Love Island.

People aren’t one dimensional. Perhaps if you try to see the value in the different sides and dimensions of people you would be more interest and interesting?

Most people lead pretty boring lives and don't have much of interest to say.

On top of that, sometimes even interesting people don't know how to move the conversation onto a more interesting topic, or are perhaps happy enough with trivial chatter now and then.

Still, a bit of trivial, nonsense chat is better than no chat at all.

You're not alone in this. I find trivial chit-chat mind-numbingly boring too. I'd much rather be chatting with a group of blokes than with women. No idea why, but I've always been like it.

OP, I’m autistic and I do sympathise. I had the same problem for decades, until I was diagnosed.
For me, conversation was purely functional- to exchange useful facts and convey information. I didn’t understand why people would waste hours wittering about trivia.
Eventually, I learned that conversation has a different purpose for NT people. It’s how they bond with each other, rather like monkeys grooming each other - a shared activity that brings them closer and promotes social bonds. Men tend to do this by wittering about sport or cars, women by discussing mutual acquaintances/children.
If you accept that the content of the speech isn’t really the point, the togetherness is, you may get on easier.

You’ve basically just described me except that I don’t really bother trying anymore. I just accept that I’m not a people person. I’m not lonely or isolated, I’m very happy, I just prefer my own company.

I find that kind of self-sufficiency admirable. We have two ears and one mouth, and should use them in that proportion!

As for small-talk (whether with men or women), I have a huge variety of interests, most being bookish, music or creativity-based but I'm also interested in other people's interests that I'm shit at: knitting, making your own clothes, physics and the universe, etc. I do not do: 'Reality TV', 'What I watched on the TV last night', celebs, sport (except surfing) The Royals (except Republicanism), shoes (habitual DM wearer), handbags, fashion.

If the latter stuff to the exclusion of all other subjects is what unites particular groups of friends we'd have nothing to say to each other. It's the reason some of my in-laws don't like me.

Small talk is a valuable life skill that can lead to very productive ends but it can be tortuous. I can do it - I'm used to public speaking and host events fairly regularly - but it's an effort and I'm sure it would come as a surprise to my colleagues if I told them it's been a case of fake it til you make it. The reality is I've never found it easy or comfortable.

‘You are hanging out with the wrong women. You need to find a Marie Curie or an Eleanor Roosevelt to hook up with.’

Given that the OP doesn’t like to talk about ‘people, work or their lives,’ I think Marie Curie would be rather wasted on OP, given so many other people would like to have a conversation with Marie Curie about her work.

This is another thread where a bunch of posters who claim to have no interest in small talk or gossip are all making small talk gossiping about how boring a group of women they don’t even know are, and what boring conversational partners they are on a walk, and wondering about their motivations are for having such a discussion.

That is very much talking about other people and their lives.

Well two options

You are an introvert like me and find social interaction hard

You don’t have a lady brain so must be trapped in the wrong body - transition now!

I’d stick to option one

@ghostyslovesheets

Well two options

You are an introvert like me and find social interaction hard

You don’t have a lady brain so must be trapped in the wrong body - transition now!

I’d stick to option one

Hahaha that made me laugh, clearly it's my man brain! 🤣

You don’t have a lady brain so must be trapped in the wrong body - transition now!

It's rigid stereotypes that have led to this confused, completely nebulous gobbledygook about 'Gender Identity', IMO. It's also the reason I've always strenuously resisted them.

Which makes me gender non-conforming. Which means ...

Head. Desk, Thump.

I find the same OP. In a mixed group I often find myself genuinely more interested in what the men are talking about. I enjoy one on one chats with my female friends more than groups.

I have been like this for as long as I can remember. I don't like being in a groupie type situation, especially with women. I am quite a sociable person,and fairly chatty, but I can chat to a man more easily, instead of being in the midst,of irritating women's talk.

I’m a bit like this. I am early 30s and suddenly all the talk is about babies, trying for a baby, childbirth and honestly I find it mind-numbingly dull and it’s not even like I don’t want kids etc I just don’t want to talk about the concept of them non-stop. I try and steer the conversation away but it always arrives back to these topics at some point. I went for a 5 hour walk the other day with a gay male friend (not sure it’s relevant but anyway) the other day and we chattered at each other non-stop about American politics, gender, social policy ideas and it was just great. I don’t think my other friends are boring because they are women though, i think it’s just that they’ve all arrived at a particular life stage at the same time and want to talk about it (fucking constantly).

Maybe you just need some friends you don't look down on and find boring?

@Sciurus83 she doesn’t look down on them. She’s trying to understand why she feels so different to them.

I'm similar, but I'm not quiet. I just really dislike gossip and don't care to join in with it. Discussions about other things I'm good with, but gossip...nope.

WTF is woman talk? Hair, nails and bitching? Never met a womanise this is my life

@chestnutshell not the way I'd talk about people I like

I'm the same. Don't like socialising in groups it is all so boring. Drinking in pubs is my idea of hell, more so when drunk people are around. Prefer going out for a walk or meal with family or staying at home.
If you're broken, so am I but difference is I like it and don't care 😂

I think when people are in a group, chatter tends to be less deep and meaningful. Generally I find it a one to one conversation much more interesting as topics tend to go a bit deeper.
You're not alone and you're not broken!

You're not alone, Vixiie, I don't enjoy small talk either. There's nothing wrong with that, you are you. I expect you prefer deeper conversations, not chat about nothing or about our kids and certainly not gossip.

I'm introverted and only really enjoy chatting one to one (or maybe 2/3 at a push).

I can't stand big groups whether male, female or mixed. Female feels worse because it makes it obvious how different I am.
I try and listen to what is being said, but if a lot of people are speaking it is overwhelming. I finally think of something to say - too late, the group has moved on to another topic.

Exhausting!

I think that groups (male or female) tend to stick to quite “safe” conversation topics - topics it is assumed everyone there will have an interest in or share similar views on, and be comfortable discussing in a larger group.

It’s much easier to bring up a more niche, personal or controversial topic one on one.

Perhaps a lot of the women in the group are finding the small talk boring too, but aren’t brave enough to steer conversation round to something more meaty?? Have you tried, OP?

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have.