Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

I don’t disagree with any of that notorious but where I suspect we may differ in our opinions is that I don’t feel police involvement / prison / probation would offer any real support in this.

[ancientgran]

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@ancientgran if my son lived a girl's bra strap no I wouldn't support him. What would he need support for?[/quote]
Support him if you asked him and he explained he was retaliating.

[ancientgran]

@Notoriouslynotnotious

I used to be a civilian staff member in a large police force. Have prepared many files for court including sex assault and rape. I think a really hard situation in families is where one or more make a complaint and siblings who they know where also abused deny it and call them liars. It is so devastating for the ones who have come forward but the ones who don't want to admit it are also suffering. It is sad seeing them turn on each other, the perpetrator or perpetrators almost seem to be forgotten in the end

^ this reflects my experience. I have found it harder dealing with my parent’s denial than the original abuse. It just feeds into the invidious pattern of misogynistic behaviour I experienced from them growing up where they did not even try to hide how they valued their sons over their daughters. That and their whole hearted emotional immaturity and emotional unavailability growing up. I adored them in spite of all of that but the relationships have utterly fallen apart since the abuse came to light. The feelings of abandonment, rejection and betrayal, I experienced from my parents doing everything they could to sweep this under the carpet and literally everyone in the family minding them so they didn’t have to face up to their abusive son has meant that I lost my entire family and extended family as a result of my brother’s lifelong predatory behaviours.

It has been utterly heart breaking but also extremely eye opening watching it all fall apart. My family is also brim full of people educated to PhD level so it isn’t as if they are unaware of the changes to society over the last number of decades when sexual abuse has been recognised as a behaviour second only to murder.

So sorry that happened to you. It must be so hard when the people who should be your biggest support let you down. I hope you found other support.

[itsgettingwierd]

I would have to be very very sure.

But I also have had ds assaulted (knife crime) and reported and it wasn't taken further so this may have some effect on my decision but I'd hope it wouldn't as I'm also a victim of sexual assault which I didn't report.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@ancientgran in what situation would retaliating with sexual harassment be acceptable?

[Notoriouslynotnotious]

I don’t disagree with any of that notorious but where I suspect we may differ in our opinions is that I don’t feel police involvement / prison / probation would offer any real support in this


@daffodilsandprimroses I don’t think police intervention is always warranted or even beneficial no, depending on the scale of the behaviour, but yes it has its place. Based on my own experiences and reading about those of so many others, families will mostly not under their own steam take the steps necessary to ensure offenders go through the process of change. They instead try to save the offender from experiencing the suffering necessary to precipare that change. My brother for example has an offending history of twenty odd years plus, not to me alone - he has other victims, thankfully his abuse of me was short lived, he abused and raped his wife, uses prostitutes constantly, that all started with minor sexually abusive behaviour, I really think there comes a point where police involvement is imperative.

[Notoriouslynotnotious]

So sorry that happened to you. It must be so hard when the people who should be your biggest support let you down. I hope you found other support.

Yes thankfully I did @ancientgran but it made me realise just how difficult it is to get out of other abusive situations. Families are social groupings and they operate by unwritten rules one of which is often that you do not bring trouble into the group. My raising this while everyone else just wants to get along and play nicely that makes me the difficult one in the family.

[Tomyoneandonly]

Yes 10000pc I wouldn't think twice about it. I am a victim of sexual abuse and rape. The police didn't help me though.

[Hamhockandmash]

@Joeblack066

I raised my sons to know that they do not assault women?
I would say those that didn’t, wouldn’t?

This is such a ridiculous comment and it’s blaming innocent people. You never know what someone is capable of. You can do your beat as a parent but you can NEVER guarantee what your children will do.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

@daffodilsandprimroses - having experienced being raped by my brother from the age of ten, and my mother implicitly condoning his behaviour, I am revolted by all the posters on here who would also condone their teenage sons raping sisters, school acquaintances or strangers.
And if the doting mothers condone that behaviour and do nothing? Their darling sons have clearly been brought up with little respect for women - who knows where they would draw the line?

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

@BurgundyBells

Last post was to *@EveryDayIsADuvetDay*

one of your presumably offensive deleted posts?

[Mittens030869]

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

I’m so sorry you had to go through all that, how awful.

I’ve been very disheartened, too. It was noticeable that none of them said that they would involve the police to protect their DD. Or for that matter their DGC.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

I’m sorry you went through that every but no one has condoned it. No one.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

Thank you @Mittens030869 - sorry to read that you have experienced similar family trauma.

I've found this thread a difficult read & respond to - but seeing the sheer volume of women that consider it appropriate to lie /stay silent and protect rapist sons has enabled me to see that while I find my mothers behaviour abhorrent, maybe it's not as bizarre as I'd always assumed.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

@daffodilsandprimroses

I’m sorry you went through that every but no one has condoned it. No one.

thanks - but in my eyes, all of the posters on this thread saying that they wouldn't report their sons, no matter what they did, are saying that they would condone and cover up their sons' behaviour.

[DenisetheMenace]

Impossible to know. Of course, I can fairly confidently say yes I would because I don’t for a second believe I will ever be in that situation. I know his character, if that ever happened I wouldn’t need to because he couldn’t live with himself.
If it did happen, I don’t know.
Our first born is our daughter: have the same reply. They’re good people.

I just can’t imagine being in that situation.

[DancingQueen85]

This is a really difficult question to answer. I think it would very much depend of the circumstances. I definitely wouldn't lie or provide an alibi but equally I find it hard to see myself actively reporting him. What a horrendous position to be in

[daffodilsandprimroses]

Has anyone actually said ‘no matter what they did’, though?

I think situations can have nuances. I’d never say I’d never report but I’d also never say I’d always report either. And (forgive me) I can’t sit and imagine increasingly awful things my baby son could do in the future.

[GabsAlot]

you cant expect justice if you wont do your part in it aswell

otherwise why dont we let all rapists /murderers off

[LexMitior]

@GabsAlot

you cant expect justice if you wont do your part in it aswell

otherwise why dont we let all rapists /murderers off

Well that’s why it doesn’t happen in part.

It’s not a mystery why abuse against women and girls isn’t dealt with. It sustains in families over generations, brushed under the carpet.

[Merryoldgoat]

@LexMitior

Absolutely.

I grew up in a family where DV was ignored, being poorly treated by men was the norm and shitty relationships were modelled for all.

I thank god I broke the cycle for me. I have two boys and thankfully my DH is the kindest and most generous man ever and together we will do our best to ensure our boys never abuse anyone.

And if they do I will not collude with them.

[WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo]

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

Thank you *@Mittens030869* - sorry to read that you have experienced similar family trauma.

I've found this thread a difficult read & respond to - but seeing the sheer volume of women that consider it appropriate to lie /stay silent and protect rapist sons has enabled me to see that while I find my mothers behaviour abhorrent, maybe it's not as bizarre as I'd always assumed.

My mum also refused to believe it had happened. Apparently I must have led my brother on by wearing skimpy clothes around the house.

If asked my mum would tell you how wonderful he is. How he never did anything to cause her any concern. There is none so blind as those who will not see.

[Mittens030869]

It is different in my case in that it was my F who was the abuser. My DB was sexually abused himself, though not by him, but by others. So I understand where my DM was coming from, and my DSis and I agreed that it wasn’t the right course of action for him to be convicted. It was the emotional blackmail that was the thing I found hard to cope with.

I also don’t think it’s helping my DB. He’s a tortured individual who needs to face up to what happened and what he himself did.

[ancientgran]

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@ancientgran in what situation would retaliating with sexual harassment be acceptable?[/quote]
When kids are doing tit for tat. I'm not talking about rape but something like a girl seeing a boy with the top of his boxers showing and pulling the elastic and them him turning round and pulling her bra strap. So couple of 12 year olds messing about.

[waterlego]

Has anyone actually said ‘no matter what they did’, though?

A couple of posters have said exactly that @daffodilsandprimroses. Those were the posts I found really surprising! IIRC, one poster even said they would not report repeated offences.