Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

[MichaelMumsnet]

Hi all. Just dropping by to ask for some love and peace. Things are getting pretty heated on this thread and we're getting reports.
We've removed a number of personal attacks already.
We can see this is a hugely emotive subject but hopefully things can get back on track.

[wizzywig]

I work in this area. More families do maintain contact rather than cut contact. Even where they have attended court hearings. With those that I have worked with, the child abuse downloaders are more likely to keep contact with family.

[ancientgran]

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@ancientgran I'm moving in the direction of the thread which has moved in from talking about school boys.

And FWIW I'd be fucking furious if my son pinged a girls bra strap and I'd expect and support any punishment. Not sorry[/quote]
Your choice, not sure the police would be terribly interested but fill your boots.

Would you bother to ask what had happened, I mean if she'd sexually assaulted him first would you still report him or would you maybe report her?

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@ancientgran did I claim I'd go to the police? Please don't make things up.

What do you mean "would I ask him what happened?" If you mean that if he was accused and denied it then no I wouldn't necessarily believe him out right. I am not dim enough to think my son is immune from the effects of living in a patriarchy

Of course I'd go to the police of my son was sexually assaulted by a girl why wouldn't I? But it's highly highly unlikely

[ancientgran]

@daffodilsandprimroses

None of us know and I hope we will never find out.

I hope my son and everybody else’s sons grow up happy, well adjusted and respectful of women and girls. I intend to instil these values in my son.

If I don’t that’s on me, not him. I think that’s why I would find reporting very difficult indeed.

I used to be a civilian staff member in a large police force. Have prepared many files for court including sex assault and rape. I think a really hard situation in families is where one or more make a complaint and siblings who they know where also abused deny it and call them liars. It is so devastating for the ones who have come forward but the ones who don't want to admit it are also suffering. It is sad seeing them turn on each other, the perpetrator or perpetrators almost seem to be forgotten in the end.

Out of them all there are three cases that still disturb me.

[ancientgran]

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@ancientgran did I claim I'd go to the police? Please don't make things up.

What do you mean "would I ask him what happened?" If you mean that if he was accused and denied it then no I wouldn't necessarily believe him out right. I am not dim enough to think my son is immune from the effects of living in a patriarchy

Of course I'd go to the police of my son was sexually assaulted by a girl why wouldn't I? But it's highly highly unlikely

[/quote]
Sorry I was going by the question the OP asked, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

I asked about if he was accused and denied it or explained something like he was abused because you seem very adamant about reporting him and not much well not anything about supporting him so I was interested.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@ReginaFalange85 if my son was a sexual predator I wouldn't support him.

Word of advice - stop relying on your kids for emotional support, it's not healthy and it's not fair on them

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@ancientgran if my son lived a girl's bra strap no I wouldn't support him. What would he need support for?

[TatianaBis]

Oh ok I infer Regina is just on the wind up. Her post has been deleted and everyone who quoted her.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

I have sons, and while I sincerely hope, pray, and believe they wouldn’t, if they did I would want them to face the consequences. I wouldn’t lie for them, or give an alibi, or cover up in anyway. Whether or not that looked like going to the police would depend on the situation, and what the victim wanted. If they confessed or were remorseful I’d probably stand by them / visit them though. I don’t think you stop loving your dc, even if they do something awful.

[MichaelMumsnet]

Hi all. We've closed a couple of accounts from this thread.
We'll take it down if it can't continue under our guideline of civil debate.
As always, please report any concerns - we're always fine to take a look.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I have sons, and while I sincerely hope, pray, and believe they wouldn’t, if they did I would want them to face the consequences. I wouldn’t lie for them, or give an alibi, or cover up in anyway. Whether or not that looked like going to the police would depend on the situation, and what the victim wanted. If they confessed or were remorseful I’d probably stand by them / visit them though. I don’t think you stop loving your dc, even if they do something awful.

I feel like this too. I feel like whilst I wouldn't let them get away with crimes I'd never disown them

[daffodilsandprimroses]

I am really uncomfortable with the turn this thread has taken, actually.

[Notoriouslynotnotious]

I used to be a civilian staff member in a large police force. Have prepared many files for court including sex assault and rape. I think a really hard situation in families is where one or more make a complaint and siblings who they know where also abused deny it and call them liars. It is so devastating for the ones who have come forward but the ones who don't want to admit it are also suffering. It is sad seeing them turn on each other, the perpetrator or perpetrators almost seem to be forgotten in the end

^ this reflects my experience. I have found it harder dealing with my parent’s denial than the original abuse. It just feeds into the invidious pattern of misogynistic behaviour I experienced from them growing up where they did not even try to hide how they valued their sons over their daughters. That and their whole hearted emotional immaturity and emotional unavailability growing up. I adored them in spite of all of that but the relationships have utterly fallen apart since the abuse came to light. The feelings of abandonment, rejection and betrayal, I experienced from my parents doing everything they could to sweep this under the carpet and literally everyone in the family minding them so they didn’t have to face up to their abusive son has meant that I lost my entire family and extended family as a result of my brother’s lifelong predatory behaviours.

It has been utterly heart breaking but also extremely eye opening watching it all fall apart. My family is also brim full of people educated to PhD level so it isn’t as if they are unaware of the changes to society over the last number of decades when sexual abuse has been recognised as a behaviour second only to murder.

[ClarkeGriffin]

Yep I would. If they were daft enough after being raised to treat people with respect to commit a crime, they can damn well go into jail and take the punishment. Their own fault.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

The thing is, I do think the thread has veered off course quite dramatically which isn’t in itself a problem but does mean the original question has been somewhat lost.

The original question asked about a school age son (so I am presuming the 13-17 year old bracket?) and sexual assault.

I was sexually assaulted at 15, by another 15 yo - except I wasn’t. I genuinely do not think that he would have realised for even a second that that is what he did. He was a troubled young man: I was a girl who didn’t know how to say no and had been brought up to be nice.

I can’t honestly say that him being taken into police custody, treated as a sex offender and sent to a YOI would have helped him in any way. Even if he’d been found guilty. Unlikely.

That doesn’t make it right, however. It means we mums and dads have an important job - talk to our sons, encourage all children to own their bodies (anyone else made to kiss uncles?) really teach them well.

But kids are stupid and they make mistakes.

Now - there is a difference between that and sustained rape of a child or adult by another child. I know it happens, I work in CP. but I also have found it happens when the child is a victim themselves. It’s an impossible situation and is heartbreaking for everyone. I don’t know what I’d do. But I do think if we are talking about children sexually assaulting anyone we would be mindful to know they are victims too.

[jgjgjgjgjg]

No because I have no faith that him being involved with the criminal justice system would do anything to change his behaviour. The evidence for jail being an effective deterrent for young sex offenders is slim to non-existent. If I felt that I could make him to undertake intense therapy and some kind of volunteering work to show him the other side of the story I'd try that first.

[Notoriouslynotnotious]

@daffodilsandprimroses I 100% agree with you that behaviours can be corrected and people can change and particularly young children should not be written off. The problem is they can only change if they forced to really face up to the enormity of what the have done and the impact it has. When they are prevented from suffering the consequences of their actions probably in most times by well meaning parents then there might never be that opportunity for them to face the consequences of their actions.