Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@daffodilsandprimroses

I don’t know what I’d do is the honest answer

I don’t tend to sit around imagining increasingly disgusting things my son could do and wonder if I’d report him

I find it pretty revolting some of you do.

Well it's relevant to the what the OP asked, and it's relevant to a thread you've chosen to take part in?

I bet you'd soon tell us what you'd do if you thought your precious son had been falsely accused of a crime by a woman - wouldn't be so fake shocked at "imagining scenarios" then would you?

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@AlohaMolly

I don’t think I could ever disown though. I’d like to think I’d report, but then I’d have to support him through the court process. Not condone what he’s done, but I’d sit in court, then visit when in jail. He’s my only child and I think I’d lose my mind in a similar way to if he died, because of the added guilt that maybe I’d helped form a monster.

I think I’d visit as often as possible but live in a fantasy world where it was just us and successfully block out his crimes and firmly see him as my little boy. After justice had been served.

Yes same. I wouldn't disown but I wouldn't let it go

[daffodilsandprimroses]

waterlego but that really isn’t what I’m trying to do at all: on the contrary I know I don’t have any moral high ground, but I was trying to be honest when I initially answered the question.

However I don’t think pages of ‘what if he raped you? What if he raped his sister? What if he ’ I know I’m probably sensitive to it as my son is a very young baby so I’m baffled as to how anyone could look at him and even think that (I’m not saying you do, by the way, just trying to explain where I’m coming from!)

My honest response is that if my son did any of these horrible things then I would think things must have somehow gone terribly wrong in his childhood and I would need to accept some blame for that.

I’m genuinely sorry if I came across as if I was trying to claim moral high ground. I really wasn’t

[ancientgran]

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

To those of you saying you wouldn't ever report your sons - what are you imagining the scenario to be? Do you imagine him crossing boundaries with a drunk passed out woman or do you imagine a Jon Worboys type situation where he's continuously raping hundreds of women? And if it was the latter would you then report him?

People might not be thinking of rape at all. The OP said, how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault. According to what they were saying on TV yesterday this could be pulling a bra strap. I'm not saying that is right and I'd certainly have words with my sons about that but would I report it to the police? I don't think so. Maybe we need to be clearer about what we would report or not because if some are imaging a silly 12 year old pulling a bra strap and some are imagining a John Warboys they might be very different incidents.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@daffodilsandprimroses it's because it does happen, and more often than you'd like to think. There are plenty of women on MN who were sexually abused by their brothers and their mothers covered it up. It's very triggering for many - if you can get so upset about an imaginary scenarios imagine how they feel actually having lived through abuse.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

Anyone in doubt of what girls have to live through when it comes to their male peers, have a read of this www.theguardian.com/society/2021/mar/27/how-schoolgirls-finally-found-voice-to-tell-of-sexual-abuse?fbclid=IwAR3EVg7Al9RiueJJJREHsYo8TdgBRY1rvr5T09dmQSf7sMW95-6qrI-tSlE

[Mittens030869]

It’s also personal for some of us who suffered SA at the hands of a brother to hear posters say that they wouldn’t report their son if they discovered that he was guilty of a sexual offence. Because some mums don’t report their sons even when the victim is another child/grandchild.

I understand why my DM was concerned about what would happen to my DB if he was to be convicted of a sexual offence, as I was too. What I didn’t cope with was her emotionally blackmailing me about it when I was being faced with the toughest decision of my life.

[ancientgran]

@Mittens030869

It isn’t always black and white. I haven’t had to deal with the question whether or not I should report my DS (I don’t have a DS), but my DSis and I did have to decide whether or not to press charges against our DB. He was the only one left who could have been taken to court, as the others were dead. (One was alive and carefully investigate, but the CPS decided that there wasn’t a realist chance of conviction.)

My DB had joined in with the abuse, but he was also being sexually abused himself. There was absolutely no indication that he had been an abuser as an adult and he was also very vulnerable and badly damaged. So when the police decided that there was no public interest involved in prosecuting, we agreed that we wouldn’t pursue it. (They would have pursued it if we’d decided to press charges.)

My DM was very defensive of my DB, went on about how he wouldn’t cope in prison; she’d forgotten that we were going through hell ourselves being faced with that decision.

So my DM’s instinct was to defend her DS. We decided ourselves not to pursue the charges but the consequence was that we had no contact with my DB. (We’re not NC, we exchange Christmas and birthday presents and I’ve had a couple of awkward meetings with him. He idolises our F, which makes it hard to be around him anyway.)

That sounds awful for all of you. It is brave of you to discuss it but it does give another perspective on it. It must have been so difficult for you and your sister. I hope your mother has been more supportive ongoing and that you and you sister have had support.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

It also did not at any point say in the OP ‘would you report your son if he raped you’ james, and as horrific as it is I’m not sure why you keep saying ‘what if this / what if that.’

I just have never sat here, holding my baby, and considered what I’d do if he raped me.

I don’t think this makes me strange.

[Mittens030869]

Thank you to the posters who have responded so kindly to my post.
@ancientgran To answer your question, my DM has been supportive in that she’s never questioned that we told the truth about my F. It probably helps that he died 23 years ago, so we won’t ever know how she would have responded if he was still alive.

She bursts if my DSis or I ever bring up the subject of the past. She seems to be more upset about how it’s affected her sometimes. I know it must have been a shock to her, but it can really get to me sometimes.

And yes, she does still go on telling me how hard things are for my DB. Which I accept, as he was a victim too, but it doesn’t change how triggering it is to be around him for us.

She does accept our decision not to have him around our DC, though.

[Lockheart]

Lots of people say they would report in a hypothetical situation, no question, but the reality is very few do when faced with this problem.

You will deny and excuse and rationalise it away. "It's not as bad as they say / they've got the wrong person / she's lying / my son could never do that / I saw him only two hours before so it's impossible" etc. And this is quite natural. As a parent the instinct is to defend your children, you're more likely to believe your child over a stranger, and the prospect of this makes you terrified for them so you go into defence mode.

And this is to say nothing of the overwhelming feelings of your own guilt and shame which would arise if you knew your son was guilty. It's a very very hard thing to do, to turn in your own child for something so awful.

We know how much abuse is covered up or ignored or denied within families for precisely these reasons. Those who do break the silence, even if they're the victim, are often ostracised.

What would I do if I found myself in such a situation? I don't know. I would hope I had the strength to do the right thing.

[ancientgran]

Mittens that is sad, she is probably generating the opposite reaction to the one she wants. I can't help feeling if she said nothing about your brother it would be easier, not easy at all but easier, for you to deal with your feelings about him. I do think you and your sister are amazing women to be able to accept that he is a victim as well. Great that your children are safe.

Best wishes for the rest of your life.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@daffodilsandprimroses

It also did not at any point say in the OP ‘would you report your son if he raped you’ james, and as horrific as it is I’m not sure why you keep saying ‘what if this / what if that.’

I just have never sat here, holding my baby, and considered what I’d do if he raped me.

I don’t think this makes me strange.

No one is asking you to. My question was pretty simple - when you consider "would I report him" what do you automatically envisage a sex crime to be? It's relevant because we live in a world where the norm is that 99% of men get away with rapes, women are victim blamed constantly, 1 in 10 women are raped and 1 in 5 sexually assaulted and still people don't see sex crimes as much of a big deal.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@ancientgran I'm moving in the direction of the thread which has moved in from talking about school boys.

And FWIW I'd be fucking furious if my son pinged a girls bra strap and I'd expect and support any punishment. Not sorry

[JustLyra]

Well, I can - I am a teacher and it is literally my duty to report things like this no matter who it is.

Being a teacher isn’t a guarantee that someone would do the right thing in a personal circumstance. No profession guarantees that.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@JustLyra - no but I would. I was laughed at because I said I'd report any sex crime I knew of threads like this make me lose my faith in humanity.

I was raped aged 6, and several people know who did it (family member) and have done fuck all, and would lie through their teeth if I went to the police. Which is a big factor in why I won't. Honestly some of you lot are no better than those people.

[JustLyra]

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@JustLyra - no but I would. I was laughed at because I said I'd report any sex crime I knew of threads like this make me lose my faith in humanity.

I was raped aged 6, and several people know who did it (family member) and have done fuck all, and would lie through their teeth if I went to the police. Which is a big factor in why I won't. Honestly some of you lot are no better than those people. [/quote]
Insulting people when you have no idea of their background says a lot about you.

Especially when I only pointed out the stupidity of your teacher and duty comment in the context of a family situation.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

@JustLyra my comments weren't actually aimed at you (except the "I would though" but) but a general comment to the thread

[JustLyra]

You don’t know what you would do. You can strongly think you would, but you don’t know 100%

I was abused by both my parents, including sexually by my father. I was also raped as an adult.

Before my son was accused of something hideous I would have thought I’d know exactly how I’d react. I didn’t react remotely as I thought. Not in how I instantly reacted, how I felt, or anything.

My instinct to believe and protect my son was, thankfully, proved right. But that (and also once when I thought there was a fire in my house) was a lesson in never assuming that I know exactly what I’d do in a situation without being in it.

Like you I’d strongly like to believe I’d do the right thing. But we can’t know.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

None of us know and I hope we will never find out.

I hope my son and everybody else’s sons grow up happy, well adjusted and respectful of women and girls. I intend to instil these values in my son.

If I don’t that’s on me, not him. I think that’s why I would find reporting very difficult indeed.