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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Panicking that we cannot afford this baby and we will not cope.

327 replies

Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 22:51

I have just found out I'm pregnant and completly freaking out. DD has just celebrated her first birthday this week and this is a completely unplanned pregnancy.
We always planned to start TTC for DC2 when DD was at least 2 years 3 months so that by the time the baby arrived, she would definitely be entitled to her 30 free hours childcare. I earn good enough money and am the breadwinner. DH is self employed and his income has been hit hard by Covid (perfectly timed for mat leave with DD1 to start) and I ended up going back to work much earlier than planned to make sure we were okay.
There's no way we can afford double the childcare. DD will only be 1 year 8 months when this baby arrives so even if I take her out of childcare for my mat leave, she'll still be far off 3 by the time I need to go back to work which means double the childcare fees! I am terrified. We cannot afford this baby. I also suffered very badly with hyperemesis last time and I don't know how I will cope. DD is still breastfed to sleep and DH can't get her to sleep on his own. There's so many reasons why this is just not a good time! I'm so scared. I don't want to have to consider termination and never ever thought I would need to but I am so worried that there's no way we can make this work.

OP posts:
NewtoHolland · 29/03/2021 22:55

Couldn't read and run, just sending a hug. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to about your decision? Is there a way one of you could work evenings or weekends for a bit? I do evenings so we don't have to pay for childcare in the day.

2021isalsorubbish · 29/03/2021 22:58

Can your DH stay at home and look after them once your Mat leave is finished?

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 22:59

Unfortunately not, we both work in jobs that are done during office hours and no real way around that.
Thank you for replying.
I do have good friends and family but I'm ashamed to tell them what I'm thinking.

OP posts:
MySocalledLoaf · 29/03/2021 23:02

Could you take out a loan for the childcare? If you’re planning to have two anyway you’d have the expense at some point.
I have a planned 11 month gap and it’s been great.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 23:03

Is there a Government scheme that helps with nursery costs if you are on low income.

Can DH get an additional job if his has been hard hit by COVID? Will his income increase as lockdown restrictions are lifted?

TokenGinger · 29/03/2021 23:04

Is it an option to save up as much as possible now during pregnancy, take DD out of childcare whilst on maternity leave but still pay the nursery costs into another account, which will then cover 9 months of nursery fees after you return to work?

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:04

We have discussed that might be our only option but it is such a sad decision to make. DH has worked so hard to build his business and without Covid had been building it every year. He also has a business partner; they can't work without each other for health and safety reasons so for DH to quit would also put his business partner out of work. It might be the only option if we decide to go ahead with the pregnancy but it would be devastating for DH to give up everything he has worked so hard to build. He would have to start completly from scratch when we didn't need childcare anymore but very likely have no partner to start up with so in all likelihood, would never work in this field again.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 29/03/2021 23:08

I do have good friends and family but I'm ashamed to tell them what I'm thinking

If you're talking about a termination please try not to be ashamed. If it may be an option for you,allow yourself to think about it at least if you need/want to.

Otherwise you will have plenty of lovely people on here to follow,who can help you come up with some wonderful solutions I'm sure.
You're not alone op.

Sorry you've had such a shock op Flowers

DipSwimSwoosh · 29/03/2021 23:10

But if you take a year your dc1 with be 2y8m when you go back, so only a few months of paying double childcare. Is that out of the question? Or could you do shared parental leave, or return part time?

Notimeforaname · 29/03/2021 23:11

DipSwimSwoosh makes a good point. And save like mad now to ease the pressure later too

DipSwimSwoosh · 29/03/2021 23:13

I'm not sure how it works any more but when I was in a similar position I found we qualified for child tax credit for the few months we were paying double childcare.

Apileofballyhoo · 29/03/2021 23:14

Can you afford loan repayments if you were to get a loan for childcare? Mortgage holiday? Anything you can cut from the household expenses budget?

Normandy144 · 29/03/2021 23:16

Just trying to work out your timelines here it may not be as bad as you think. Assuming I have the dates right, then DC2 is due Dec 2021. DC1 will turn 3 in March 2023 and will therefore be entitled to free hours from Easter 2023. If you take maternity leave for 12 months from Dec 2021 then that would mean a return to work in Nov 2022, which would mean a period of 4-5 months when you would have to cover the double child care fees. If you can save a bit beforehand to cover this gap then it should be possible or failing that I'd suggest a loan to bridge the gap. Definitely seems doable from that perspective.

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:19

Thank you @Notimeforaname

We would not be entitled to benefits as I earn 'too much'.
I wouldn't be able to afford the full year of mat leave, only 9 months so DD would need 7 months full time childcare still before her 3 years funding kicked in, I just can't see how we could survive that time. I can try to save as much as possible now. I have added it up and we would be -£545 a month with double childcare and just about able to save £65 once she's entitled to 30 free hours. If the fees and our current bills don't change in the next 2-5 years which is unlikely.

OP posts:
coronafiona · 29/03/2021 23:19

I had twins plus a three y old. The most cost effective childcare was a newly qualified nanny. It cost my entire take home pay every month. We lived off savings and when that ran out, credit cards and they were paid off by the time they were 6. Whilst that's not ideal, we knew it want forever. It's a few years of crippling expense, not the rest of your life. It will be ok.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/03/2021 23:21

@MySocalledLoaf

Could you take out a loan for the childcare? If you’re planning to have two anyway you’d have the expense at some point. I have a planned 11 month gap and it’s been great.
This is a good idea! I'm debt-averse, but as this poster pointed out you will have the expense at some point anyway, if you're planning a second child in the future. I can't think of a better thing to take a loan out for. Certainly better than a new car! Obvs you don't reveal the real reason you're taking out the loan to the bank- say it's for a car....they'll love that
HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/03/2021 23:23

Can you go interest-only on your mortgage?

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:24

I hadn't thought about a loan.would a loan not amount to the same sort of payment though overall? I suppose if it was a longer term loan? I have never had a loan, I can look into that. I can try to save like mad now definitely but we just don't have that much coming in after everything is paid for now, that's why this is so scary. On a month when I'm very good with my money, I'm saving £300 (baring in mind I'm currently working from home saving about £150 in fuel but we will be called back into the office when we can I know) so I just cannot fathom how we can come up with an extra £850 a month.

OP posts:
Normandy144 · 29/03/2021 23:25

Another suggestion is if you're currently using a private nursery for DC1, I would recommend checking out local childminders instead as they are much cheaper. I found the same when we were having our second child. Double nursery fees were insanely expensive so we found a childminder and it worked out much better. We also had an 8 month gap of double fees but knowing it was only short term helped.

powershowerforanhour · 29/03/2021 23:25

But if you take a year your dc1 with be 2y8m when you go back

OP is the higher earning partner though and most jobs are x many weeks at 90%, then SMP, then nowt. Might be worth doing depending on the sums and her DH income, or OP going part time like you suggest and her DH working the times when she is not. Don't think shared parental leave is a goer as her DH is self employed. I'm in a similar boat, OP. DH is a tree surgeon so I can see the whole business partner/can't work alone thing too.

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:28

@powershowerforanhour Are we twins? My DH is a tree surgeon

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:31

We are using a private nursery. I'm very reluctant to move DD. She's a lockdown baby (literally.. born 23rd March) and has spent so little time with anyone her entire life, it took a long time for her to settle and she's only now starting to feel confident at nursery so if there's anyway I can do this without changing her setting I want to do that to try and keep consistency for her. I'm also sad that we have to seriously consider taking her out of nursery completely during my mat leave only to have to start all over again 9 months later.

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 29/03/2021 23:32

I assume you are already doing the Employers for Childcare voucher thing, if not, get that set up. Can't remember if you get anything for #2 but at least it helps with #1. Are you also claiming married person's allowance and has your DH been able to get some of the "self employed stuffed by covid" money?

HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/03/2021 23:32

It is upsetting how expensive childcare is. Let's be honest it's only an issue if the woman wants/needs to work. As you said, your husband can become a SAHD but you guys are making lots of excuses for why he can't. If the roles were reversed it'd be a done deal. If he's a tree surgeon there is no reason why he couldn't pick the job up again once the kids were older.

pastabest · 29/03/2021 23:32

DD is still breastfed to sleep and DH can't get her to sleep on his own

This bit will change.

Speaking as someone who had a 15 month age gap and similar childcare concerns... we just made it work. Mortgage holiday/ savings/tax free childcare etc

A few years down the line and both will be eligible for school/ 30 hours in September. It sounds a long time but really it passes in a flash.

Childminders and nannies are sometimes cheaper than nurseries for 2. Even if you and DP could both compress your hours into 4 days each that's the only 3 days a week childcare to find.