Panicking that we cannot afford this baby and we will not cope.

[Redrosesblue]

I have just found out I'm pregnant and completly freaking out. DD has just celebrated her first birthday this week and this is a completely unplanned pregnancy.
We always planned to start TTC for DC2 when DD was at least 2 years 3 months so that by the time the baby arrived, she would definitely be entitled to her 30 free hours childcare. I earn good enough money and am the breadwinner. DH is self employed and his income has been hit hard by Covid (perfectly timed for mat leave with DD1 to start) and I ended up going back to work much earlier than planned to make sure we were okay.
There's no way we can afford double the childcare. DD will only be 1 year 8 months when this baby arrives so even if I take her out of childcare for my mat leave, she'll still be far off 3 by the time I need to go back to work which means double the childcare fees! I am terrified. We cannot afford this baby. I also suffered very badly with hyperemesis last time and I don't know how I will cope. DD is still breastfed to sleep and DH can't get her to sleep on his own. There's so many reasons why this is just not a good time! I'm so scared. I don't want to have to consider termination and never ever thought I would need to but I am so worried that there's no way we can make this work.

I see your dilemma. FWIW, we have a 23 month gap; I conceived when DC1 was 14 months, and we had the whole waiting for 30 hours to kick in nightmare. Pay similar to you, but main difference was that DH was bringing in enough to cover living expenses. For those first few months I was spending all of my income on nursery (my earnings were slightly lower than yours but I was part time initially). I actually returned to work in a better paid role that I applied and interviewed for whilst on mat leave. I then took on more responsibility and got a promotion. Kids are in school now and finances have returned to normal.

I can see that for your current arrangement the numbers just don’t quite add up, which is sad. It’s basically a choice between this baby and your husband’s business because I’m sure he could get a steadier income working elsewhere. I’m a little confused though, tree surgeons are in high demand where I live (SE), last time we booked one we had to wait 3+ months for the work... we do live in a conservation area though where anything that stands still long enough gets a TPO slapped on it.

I can see that termination may well be the only choice you feel open to you at this time. I’m not sure you should take much notice of whether a bunch of strangers on the internet would/wouldn’t. We are not in your shoes. And that’s exactly what being pro choice is: accepting that the decision you make might not be the decision I would make. Good luck with whatever you decide

Though the amount of money you need is going to be £5-10k, hence the suggestions of a loan, or remortgaging etc. I’m wondering whether you should be involving your husband’s business partner in the decision. Possibly the business has cash to spare, and could work out a loan/repayment.

Or if the termination is the right thing, then do that, but knowing you have explored every option (even parental support) would make that easier for me.

Definitely your DH could earn more. The tree surgeons here earn a fortune and it's not a rich area. Easily earn £200 a day. Maybe he can learn some marketing skills. A bloke here gave Teddies away to kids in need (weird but it worked as I remember it from over a year ago and don't need a tree surgeon!).
I know it depends on how big your mortgage is but we managed to survive on a smaller income than yours and had three children under the age of 4 at one point. could DH work one day at the weekend and have the kids one day? We did this and it worked well for us all.

To be honest op, your DH needs to step up. I have difficulty understanding what has kept a good tree surgeon from being fully booked through Covid. The trees haven't stopped growing and tree surgeons, good ones, are like gold dust round here.

If you can't afford nursery on one wage when you start mat leave, then you will have to stop nursery. My DC are grown up and there was no funded nursery at 3. If you were lucky you got 2.5 hours at a local school the September after their third birthday.

Your DH steps up and works Sats/Sundays he should have his hand bitten off as it will stop people taking a day of annual leave. If there isn't enough tree work then he needs to look for supermarket delivery type work - and/or general gardening as well.

You go back to work when the baby is 3/4 months and he steps up with child care if he can't step up with work.

Switch to a childminder.

Just reading back op £450 on utilities pcm! Your house must be very large.

I assumed that included council tax as it's not otherwise mentioned.

OP are you already claiming the 20% discount on your current childcare?

You will cope - maybe by a loan, maybe by seriously cutting back on outgoings. Could you talk to your mortgage company about releasing some equity or a mortgage break?

@PurplePansy05 Thank you for your kind words.

DH work is complicated. He does charge £150-£175 day rate (each for him and business partner) and sometimes they work for piece rate and sell the wood they chop. It's this part that is the problem because since Covid, the people who buy their wood are just not coming to collect it so it sits there for months at a time. He has the work, he works full time, he just doesn't seem to get paid as much as he should because his tool maintenance etc. is a high outgoing. On paper he should be bringing home more than he is but he just hasn't been this year at all. I've seen his accounts so I know he's telling the truth, it's just people are not coming to collect the wood they agree to buy and he doesn't get paid until they do. It is something we have discussed a lot about him stopping but it has only been a problem the last 12 months. The £1200 is average what he is bringing now, not normally; he always used to bring in above £1500 every month but this year it just all seems to have slowed down at exactly the wrong time.
But we live in hope that it will improve. To stop and have him be a SAHD would be to completely quit his business and there would be no going back so it's not a decision to be made lightly if there's any way we can power through. Him getting another job is all well and good but he already works full time and is out of the house 10 hours a day, 5 days a week in a very physically demanding role. We were making it work, we were okay and we could weather this cash slump storm and hope it would get better which it should but this pregnancy has just thrown that all into chaos.

The £450 is everything monthly bar mortgage; council tax, life and critical illness insurance, electricity, water etc. Sorry, I just lumped it all together for ease because its the same amount each month that comes out of our joint account alongside the mortgage.

We only bought our house just before DD was born so we don't have much equity at all to release any yet.

I will look at the loan options. That could definitely help.

We do get the tax free childcare already

If they aren't coming to collect the wood, he needs to start taking a deposit up front and to start delivering it! Our tree man charges £350 per half day and usually has a labourer with him, not another tree surgeon.

@Redrosesblue

Thank you. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed. This wasn't supposed to happen and I'm just struggling to see past all the hard bits. I'm so annoyed for my DD. I was so sick last time and even once my medication finally made me function I was beyond exhausted. She's so little and I feel like I'm going to spend the next 8 months praying time away but missing her just to survive. And then I found having a baby so so hard; I've only just really started to feel like some semblance of myself again and that I can really enjoy DD and now that will be so much harder with two. I don't know that I can do it.

OP

Are you an AHP? I can work out your band from your wage I think and that you pay professional fees. If you are, is there any way of working weekends as one of your working days?

Or I am totally wrong and you are a qualified non clinical!

Life sometimes works out differently but two babies so close will be lovely. Yes the money sounds hard but I think you could make it work with all of the helpful advice on here. Plus NHS maternity and job security is a good place to be in xx

If people aren't collecting the wood they agree to buy, they lose it.

If there's a market for wood, it needs to be sold to people who hand money over and take it away straight away, not those who don't bother to collect for months on end. Or hopefully this will change as we're now allowed to travel anywhere we like for the day (in England at least) so no-one has any excuse not to collect the wood.

When is your current mortgage deal ending? Could you go interest only for a while or take a holiday? Either whilst sending both to nursery or ASAP if they're offering any leeway during covid, allowing you to save the difference?

I echo what others have said that you have nothing to feels ashamed about. I wonder if the nursery offer a siblings discount? (Our private nursery does). It might make a bit of a difference on your fees? But ultimately only you can make a decision about what you do from here and whatever you decide to do will be the right one for you and your family x

Also (and apologies if this has been thought of) could DH and partner only take bookings tues-sat just for that 1.5years of overlap so he can do childcare on Monday?

Do what’s right for you OP, I found out Baby number 2 was on the way on DS’s first birthday. So we have a 21mth gap. My two are 19 & 18 now, for us it was the best thing to have them close together, of course the first 3 years were very demanding, we weren’t under such financial pressure. Good luck with you decision.

Also I'd add that at our nursery the daily fees go down the older they get (as they need less staff per child ratio, fewer nappies etc) so if your nursery does that too it may also reduce your fee? I just thought of it was our nursery fees were very similar to yours when DS was under 1 but since then it's come down a couple of times as he's got older and our bill is about £150 less a month due to the slightly reduced day rate.

You were going to try to conceive at a later date anyway, surely you would face similar challenges.

I'm sure you can make this work :)

I am non-clinical and my specialty runs Mon-Fri so there's no weekend work for me to do unfortunately.

Trust me, I have had many many MANY conversations with DH about the finances the past year and all of your points I have raised many times but he is adamant that there is nothing further he can do. People don't pay deposits, that's not how it works, he can sell to various people but they all have the same issues and are not coming to collect any faster than each other.

We still have 4 years on our fixed term as we bought literally right before DD was born so no, we can't really change our mortgage terms at this point.

How will all this stress and worry affect your existing child?

There is nothing shameful or wrong with a termination.

I know you say you don’t want to take your first child out of her nursery and I completely understand your reasons for that, but I would recommend looking for a relatively newly qualified nanny. It would work out a lot cheaper than nursery and can be much more flexible. With our first nanny we did a minimum hours contract because I’m self-employed and have quieter weeks and then very full-on weeks. If you can make the same arrangement then perhaps your DH could take on childcare when he’s quiet and she could do the rest.

Ps no shame or guilt if you decide to terminate. I did between my first and second because the new pregnancy came at a horrendous time for us. Sometimes I think about it...but then I look at my amazing son who would not have existed if I’d gone through with the other pregnancy.

Save £850 a month by keeping your little girl at home with whomever would be caring for the new baby or at least radically cut down her hours.
She will get plenty of stimulation at home with you and baby.

Oh hon take a deep breath. You can do it, you'll find a way. There are plenty of reasons why people terminate pregnancies but if you'd planned to and want to have a second child, money is not the reason to terminate. You can find a way, it won't be easy and you'll need to think outside the box but you can do it. We'd only planned and had money for one child. Then I got pregnant with twins (oh my days). We were in a similar situation but we're making it through. Only 8 months till our 30 hours childcare kicks on now 😁

People on here can help with advice. Good luck, a baby is a blessing even if it doesn't feel like it now. They rarely stick to our schedules. At least you'll get the baby years over quicker xx