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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Panicking that we cannot afford this baby and we will not cope.

327 replies

Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 22:51

I have just found out I'm pregnant and completly freaking out. DD has just celebrated her first birthday this week and this is a completely unplanned pregnancy.
We always planned to start TTC for DC2 when DD was at least 2 years 3 months so that by the time the baby arrived, she would definitely be entitled to her 30 free hours childcare. I earn good enough money and am the breadwinner. DH is self employed and his income has been hit hard by Covid (perfectly timed for mat leave with DD1 to start) and I ended up going back to work much earlier than planned to make sure we were okay.
There's no way we can afford double the childcare. DD will only be 1 year 8 months when this baby arrives so even if I take her out of childcare for my mat leave, she'll still be far off 3 by the time I need to go back to work which means double the childcare fees! I am terrified. We cannot afford this baby. I also suffered very badly with hyperemesis last time and I don't know how I will cope. DD is still breastfed to sleep and DH can't get her to sleep on his own. There's so many reasons why this is just not a good time! I'm so scared. I don't want to have to consider termination and never ever thought I would need to but I am so worried that there's no way we can make this work.

OP posts:
smigg · 29/03/2021 23:32

Are you sure you can't get help with child tax credits, often the threshold is higher than you think when accounting for childcare costs.

Notimeforaname · 29/03/2021 23:33

Redrosesblue
Is your husband doing anything to help figure this out or is it all on you to sort?
I may be wrong but your posts all say 'I will look in to X,I am good at saving,I havnt thought about Y''
I know you are the higher earner I just hope you're not struggling with the stress all by yourself!

smigg · 29/03/2021 23:33

and yes the tax free childcare can save 20%

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:34

We have tax free childcare if that's what you mean @powershowerforanhour? And yes, he is thank you. It's helped keep us afloat during periods where literally nothing else was coming in.

OP posts:
Pastnowfuture · 29/03/2021 23:35

I just wanted to say that considering abortion as one of your options is nothing to be ashamed of. Sending hugs Flowers

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/03/2021 23:39

Loads of demand for tree surgeons to work on weekends - could DH do that and perhaps you drop to 4 days pw (often tax efficient) so you only need 2 days childcare?

whenwillsantagetvaccinated · 29/03/2021 23:39

You are totally entitled to decide that this isn't not the plan right now. Without guilt. It is sad, of course, but if you cannot make it work you do not have to have a baby - it would be sad to go through a second pregnancy worrying continuously about how you can make it work.

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:40

@Notimeforaname kind of. He is already in the very excited bubble and just telling me it will all work out but with respect to him (because he is wonderful in every other way) he just doesn't think these things are issues and is permanently optimistic when it comes to our finances..... It's very easy to be optimistic when you have a wife who sorts these things out for you I'm sure. But he is listening to me and he is very sympathetic about how frightened I am about getting hyperemesis again; he was wonderful during my first pregnancy.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 29/03/2021 23:44

It is upsetting how expensive childcare is

I think we need to get away from thinking it is expensive, and rather, see it as an appropriately priced service. What’s upsetting is that so few can easily afford it. I’d love to see the government introduce a loan, similar to student loans, that parents can take and start repaying at a reasonable rate when children start school.

firedog · 29/03/2021 23:44

When we were in that position, we had 9 months when literally we spent nothing. No treats. No takeaways. No take away coffees etc We worked out how many weeks we had a grit our teeth for. We accepted hand me downs. We told people we were literally skint. I went back to work at 9 months.
A small age gap means it's tough short term but you are out the other end a lot earlier

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:45

I don't know that I can really think about it as an option to be honest. I want another baby. Another baby was always part of the plan but not now. I just don't see how I can justify having a termination if this happened a year from now it likely could have been planned. Is a year worth a termination? I'm just so worried. I can't see how it will work out. One disaster; boiler breaks, car fails MOT and we'll be so so screwed!

OP posts:
firedog · 29/03/2021 23:46

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Loads of demand for tree surgeons to work on weekends - could DH do that and perhaps you drop to 4 days pw (often tax efficient) so you only need 2 days childcare?
And evenings!
smigg · 29/03/2021 23:46

how much do you earn op if you don't mind?

DipSwimSwoosh · 29/03/2021 23:47

People may be able to advise more effectively if you let us know a rough idea of your income.

firedog · 29/03/2021 23:48

@Redrosesblue

We are using a private nursery. I'm very reluctant to move DD. She's a lockdown baby (literally.. born 23rd March) and has spent so little time with anyone her entire life, it took a long time for her to settle and she's only now starting to feel confident at nursery so if there's anyway I can do this without changing her setting I want to do that to try and keep consistency for her. I'm also sad that we have to seriously consider taking her out of nursery completely during my mat leave only to have to start all over again 9 months later.
Reduce her to 2 days or similar? She'll cope. They'll be far more free baby & toddler things open soon
Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:49

I earn £38k. Since Covid DH is bringing in roughly £1200 a month but it's not consistent and can go months at a time without

OP posts:
smigg · 29/03/2021 23:50

ok I was confused by your post about saving £300 & £150 of that was travel. Combined you probably can't get help as that would be about £3700 take home.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/03/2021 23:52

@MintyMabel

It is upsetting how expensive childcare is

I think we need to get away from thinking it is expensive, and rather, see it as an appropriately priced service. What’s upsetting is that so few can easily afford it. I’d love to see the government introduce a loan, similar to student loans, that parents can take and start repaying at a reasonable rate when children start school.

I agree. It's the most important service a parent can commission and tbh is cheap if you really think about it. You're right that the correct way to think of it is that it is upsetting so few can afford it
DipSwimSwoosh · 29/03/2021 23:52

Does your salary cover living costs? If so, save your dh money from now on. Take your dc1 out of childcare when you are on mat leave, she will be fine. Your outgoings must be high as we earn a lot less than you and coped fine with 3dc. I think you will find a way (overtime, extend mortgage, childminder etc) if you really want to.

EvaporatedHour · 29/03/2021 23:52

If your DH goes months without earning then it would make sense that he should stay at home with the babies and, as other posters have suggested, try to work evenings or weekends in his business.

Original poster
Redrosesblue · 29/03/2021 23:54

Mortgage £900
Utilities £450
Food £260
Fuel £300 (we live in the middle of no where, everything is far)
Childcare currently £850
Phones £40
Professional fees £30

My take home is £2200, DH is roughly £1200 average but varies.

OP posts:
HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/03/2021 23:54

@Redrosesblue

I earn £38k. Since Covid DH is bringing in roughly £1200 a month but it's not consistent and can go months at a time without
DH needs to forget about the tree surgeon business for now because it's not bringing in enough. I don't mean to be rude but even a job in Tesco would bring in more.
Ploughingthrough · 29/03/2021 23:54

Use a childminder instead.
Save like hell now, be super frugal.
Can your DH swap some of his weekday work for weekend work so you can reduce childcare costs?

I couldnt really afford DD1 tbh for lots of reasons: young, low earning, 1 bed flat. We muddled on and I'm very glad we did. You will make it through, it's short term pain.

DipSwimSwoosh · 29/03/2021 23:55

Is moving an option? To somewhere with lower mortgage and travel costs?

powershowerforanhour · 29/03/2021 23:55

Ha I knew he would be. I had a 3 year gap between my chiĺdren for the exact reason you wanted the gap so sympathise. There was still some double nursery fee time as in NI we get 15 hours from age 3. We cobble it together- pre covid I was working 4 days a week (I'm a vet so no WFH) and he was doing 3 days a week, they were in nursery the other days. Childminder would've been cheaper but we reckoned nursery more reliable (as in, if the child gets sick in nursery that's one of you out for the day, if the child or the childminder gets sick that's one of you out for the day). Now, having moved location and jobs I'm working 3.5 days/week during the week and he's only working one day/week. BUT I get days in lieu for working weekends (1 in 3) and can use those days in lieu to send him off to work for an extra day. There's also some stuff he can do with two quite small kids in tow- some pricing jobs, for example, granted probably harder for your DH with 2yo + baby than it was for DH with one child or 3yo+ baby. He is a rep for chippers and stump grinders as well and can fetch and carry those about the country with one or two car seats in the front of the van- could your DH look into being an area rep for a machinery company to supplement his usual work? Does your DH or the partner do the climbing, or both?

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