Panicking that we cannot afford this baby and we will not cope.

[Redrosesblue]

I have just found out I'm pregnant and completly freaking out. DD has just celebrated her first birthday this week and this is a completely unplanned pregnancy.
We always planned to start TTC for DC2 when DD was at least 2 years 3 months so that by the time the baby arrived, she would definitely be entitled to her 30 free hours childcare. I earn good enough money and am the breadwinner. DH is self employed and his income has been hit hard by Covid (perfectly timed for mat leave with DD1 to start) and I ended up going back to work much earlier than planned to make sure we were okay.
There's no way we can afford double the childcare. DD will only be 1 year 8 months when this baby arrives so even if I take her out of childcare for my mat leave, she'll still be far off 3 by the time I need to go back to work which means double the childcare fees! I am terrified. We cannot afford this baby. I also suffered very badly with hyperemesis last time and I don't know how I will cope. DD is still breastfed to sleep and DH can't get her to sleep on his own. There's so many reasons why this is just not a good time! I'm so scared. I don't want to have to consider termination and never ever thought I would need to but I am so worried that there's no way we can make this work.

@Redrosesblue

Sorry, I don't mean to sound defensive. I know people are just trying to help. Thank you

Some people clearly have very strong views about what you should do. You need to make sure it’s what you really want as life isn’t always hunky dory, things don’t always go to plan in terms of finances, health etc. If you’re conflicted often it’s a case of taking the least worse option

ne thing stands out above all else on your posts - you want this baby, or you would not be tying yourself in knots now.

i disagree. I don't think the op does want the baby and is completely overwhelmed by hordes of people offering solutions about how she can make it work. her head is probably spinning from the onslaught of suggestions about loans and credit cards etc

I think everyone should just let her have some time to think about what she really wants . Whatever decision she makes is ok. I am quite shocked by some of the manipulative stuff that has posted tbh.

I agree Antique. As much as we all say we are pro choice, people's misgivings about the practicalities of a new baby are always downplayed on mumsnet. One thing that a baby isn't, is temporary.

OP has said she wants a second child.
If she had said she was one and done or that she could not face another pregnancy or medically the pregnancy was too risky etc etc then the thread would be very different.
The finances are the problem due to timing, and posters have made many suggestions of how to manage them.
Whether any of the suggestions turn out to be workable for OP and her family is another thing entirely, but I do hope she I happy with whatever decision she makes in the end and I apologise if my post sounded manipulative.

If Op had said she didn't want another child and her family was complete the thoughts of posters would different.

Why risk the regrets of abortion for the sake of a year?
We all bring our own experiences to a thread.

@Lockdownbear

If Op had said she didn't want another child and her family was complete the thoughts of posters would different.

Why risk the regrets of abortion for the sake of a year?
We all bring our own experiences to a thread.

Because it’s not a year, it’s another child for LIFE. Perhaps we shouldn’t bring our experiences to a thread like this

Because it’s not a year, it’s another child for LIFE. Perhaps we shouldn’t bring our experiences to a thread like this

Op wanted another child for LIFE starting NEXT YEAR, to avoid paying double nursery fees this year. It's not like she doesn't want another baby ever, or in 10 years time.

Yes we absolutely all bring our experience to a thread everyone replies with their own life experiences, be it good or bad.

A friend of mine had twins when she had her second child. She had to take out a loan over a much longer period of time so the monthly payment was lower than the nursery fee’s would be. They’ve just paid it off and got straight and the kids are 13 x 2 and 16 now. They can finally afford to move from their flat to a house, taken a long time to get straight but I’m sure they don’t regret their children, but it wasn’t part of the plan to have 3 kids

OP - move your DC to a childminder. It will be cheaper and much better for them 4 x 10 hour days in a nursery is too long for a baby/toddler. Don't feel you're taking them from a place where they are settled, think of it as moving them to a better environment.

You need to prioritise your family not worry about DH's business partner. Surely, he can find another tree surgeon to worth with! And I don't understand why they work 9-5.

Best of luck.

@CateTown

OP - move your DC to a childminder. It will be cheaper and much better for them 4 x 10 hour days in a nursery is too long for a baby/toddler. Don't feel you're taking them from a place where they are settled, think of it as moving them to a better environment.

You need to prioritise your family not worry about DH's business partner. Surely, he can find another tree surgeon to worth with! And I don't understand why they work 9-5.

Best of luck.

Christ on a bike - did you consider that the OP may have a functioning brain and her own opinions, and has chosen nursery rather than another form of childcare because it’s what she thinks is best for her child, and also that there are probably good reasons her DH works 9-5? If you can’t be arsed to make the time to read the OPs posts and consider her actual life situation then why bother posting?

OP - I hope you’ve had some time and space to think. Money wise it may be cheaper to extend your mortgage rather than get a separate loan.

Assuming you can borrow the money in some way, then there is still the emotional pressure on you to consider. It sounds like you don’t want to terminate, but feel you have to consider the option, if that’s still the case then I hope you can find people you can discuss it with - very much including your DP - as it’s only by considering all the options you can know what’s right. It also might help concentrate your DP’s mind on reality. Please try to let go of the guilt around termination - it may or may not be right for you - but the important thing is you do what is right fit your family as it is now. There is no reason you can’t get pregnant again in a year or two.

In terms of your DPs business, if you do continue with the pregnancy, I think your instinct not to have him give it up is absolutely right. However it does sound that you feel he is not very practical about money, so if you want to keep the business going, I think that it’s worth considering that he and his partner talk to a small business adviser to figure out how scaleable the business is, and if they can find more efficient ways to run it. If it turns out the business is never going to make money as is - they can either do something to change that, or if not possible dump it and your OP can be a SAHD to cover the childcare gap.

There are lots of options and none of them are right or wrong - it’s about what’s right for you.

If you do the loan, ensure it's in hand before you are on mat leave. I tried to get one two months before returning to work (house sprung a leak!) and they wouldn't give to me because I was on mat leave and a planned return date was no guarantee that I would work.

Also consider that you could go into labour early. So consider having it by 24 weeks if you are really banking on it.

Good luck OP!

@partyatthepalace - woah! I clearly touched a nerve there. Nursery for 10 hours a day isn't the best environment for a baby. Don't shoot the messenger.

[quote CateTown]@partyatthepalace - woah! I clearly touched a nerve there. Nursery for 10 hours a day isn't the best environment for a baby. Don't shoot the messenger.[/quote]
@CateTown

No - no raw nerve - never used a nursery, or a child minder come to that. What did touch me was your breathtaking and breezy arrogance - the OP is facing a very complex situation, including the possible termination of a pregnancy due to her difficult financial and logistical situation. She is thus in a very vulnerable state - so swooping in and telling her her child care choices are wrong and that her DP’s business doesn’t matter is simply an extraordinary piece of thoughtless posting. I can only assume you have never faced financial difficulties yourself or had the responsibility of being the main breadwinner.

Then you would be making daft assumptions party

OP feels obliged to keep her DD in nursery - even when she's on maternity leave- and I'm saying she needn't feel that obligation going forward as it's not the best environment for a baby.

It's great that OP is so supportive of her DH's business but if he only brings in £1500 in good times that's putting a lot of pressure on a pregnant woman with a young child to support their growing family.

So stop being so bloody rude to me.

@CateTown

Then you would be making daft assumptions party

OP feels obliged to keep her DD in nursery - even when she's on maternity leave- and I'm saying she needn't feel that obligation going forward as it's not the best environment for a baby.

It's great that OP is so supportive of her DH's business but if he only brings in £1500 in good times that's putting a lot of pressure on a pregnant woman with a young child to support their growing family.

So stop being so bloody rude to me.

@catetown

No, you were rude in speaking to the OP as if she is a child who cannot make the best childcare choices for her child, and in posting a brisk and thoughtless post that does not address the complexity of her situation.

I called you on it, you felt angry you’d been called on it, wrongly assumed I was upset due to my own childcare arrangements - attacked from that angle, got called out again, so now you are trying to attack from a
different angle. None of this will alter the fact you were unpleasant to the OP.

Think before you post next time.

I’d honestly not have a baby in your circumstances. I’d be extremely worried about losing my job if I have 2 maternity leaves in such close succession and as the main stable earner I would be far too concerned about putting the family at risk. Even 2 years apart in a pandemic with tight finances would be risky.

And I certainly would not be going in debt like some posters have suggested.

I called you on it, you felt angry you’d been called on

I wasn't angry at all. I'm bemused by your OTT reaction. However, I get the feeling you enjoy fighting with your own shadow so I'll leave you to it

@partyatthepalace you’re the one being a twat here. Whatever’s bugging you, it doesn’t need to derail a sensitive thread like this

I think you would really regret it if you had a termination for the sake of a year and would always think “what if?”. There is never a good time to have a baby but we all muddle through somehow.

Your DD will never remember going to nursery (my children are older and have absolutely no recollection of their early childcare arrangements) but she will always have her sibling. I would personally keep her off nursery while you’re on mat leave and just go easy on yourself with a baby and young toddler.

[quote peachhouses]@partyatthepalace you’re the one being a twat here. Whatever’s bugging you, it doesn’t need to derail a sensitive thread like this[/quote]
@peachhouses

No I’m not being a twat - the PP was rude to the OP re her choice about nursery care, I pointed out that wasn’t a great way to go on this sensitive thread, she leapt on me with ‘ooh sensitive about nurseries are we’, which I’m not so I pointed that out too.

Rudeness to someone in a vulnerable position annoys me and I will point it out.

@partyatthepalace great, try being less aggressive when ‘pointing out’ things

[quote peachhouses]@partyatthepalace great, try being less aggressive when ‘pointing out’ things[/quote]
@peachhouses

I feel very strongly about knocking women’s childcare choices when they are down - I don’t like it much full stop, but when someone is down it is absolutely not OK. So yep, I am probably being pretty strident, fair point, but I think it’s an important thing to call someone on.

But very gently - if you are bothered about thread derailing - you are now arguing with me about a point that I was making to someone else.

@partyatthepalace who’s arguing? I’ve said what I wanted to, as you were