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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Double standards on mn.

744 replies

thatwasme22 · 29/03/2021 14:55

This week so far:

  1. I have seen various posters defend Caroline Flack for having issues. Maybe she did but then the same argument would not be made on Chris Browne.
  1. A thread on the physical attractiveness on male politicians. Imagine a male forum did this on females.
  1. A thread with a woman hiding her inheritance from her husband and encouraged to do so by many posters and him being called financially abusive for being sensible over money. When men do this on mn it's all ltb.

Am I missing something? I call myself a feminist so am pro equality and that's how I raised my kids but why is this not being called out on mn?

OP posts:
CarolVordermansBum · 29/03/2021 15:59

And that's why I commented on this thread. Because I definitely saw the double standards that day.

BillMasen · 29/03/2021 16:00

See

“All male politicians are unattractive” jokes. Ha ha very good

“All female politicians are unattractive jokes”. Not acceptable

Only one gets called out

Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2021 16:00

@CarolVordermansBum

And that's why I commented on this thread. Because I definitely saw the double standards that day.
Sure. In the thread that was deleted. Lucky you’d memorised the usernames of all these pesky contrarian posters though! Fancy tagging a few of them?
PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2021 16:00

@CarolVordermansBum

*I don’t get what you think is wrong in either of those examples*

It was literally the same people saying no oral, no relationship, who will not give oral sex. How can you not see the double standard.

I don’t think it’s wrong to want to find a partner who does a specific sex act because they like it.

I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to do a particular sex act yourself.

As long as both people are happy and nobody is putting any pressure on each other to do things they don’t want to do, what’s the issue?

Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2021 16:00

@BillMasen

See

“All male politicians are unattractive” jokes. Ha ha very good

“All female politicians are unattractive jokes”. Not acceptable

Only one gets called out

Why?
marchez · 29/03/2021 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillMasen · 29/03/2021 16:06

The dual standards aren’t so much about individual posters with different views based on the sexes involved, although that does happen

It’s where you see clear statements that the collective culture allows to stand if they are one way, but objects to the other way round.

CarolVordermansBum · 29/03/2021 16:08

As long as both people are happy and nobody is putting any pressure on each other to do things they don’t want to do, what’s the issue

The OPs weren't happy. But apparently if a man asks a woman for oral sex, he's a monster. But a woman can demand it. And She can even threaten to leave the relationship if he won't do it. If a man did that? Mumsnetters would be telling her to phone womans aid and pack his bag 🤣

Yes if both people are happy. But in this instance, the first poster, the female, was not happy with not receiving and she was told to either tell him he has to do it, or ltb. Then the man posted that he wasn't happy. He was advised to stop being such an abusive arsehole, how dare he ask his wife to go down on him, and he was berated for about 30 minutes until the thread was taken down. By the very same posters who said they would leave their husbands if he wouldn't do oral.

Double standards.

MiaChia · 29/03/2021 16:08

It's a fun day on MN when there are more MRAs on here than women 🤣
Hi guys! I hope you have fun and can go back to Reddit to educate your fellow MRAs with your newfound knowledge that women are great and have a range of opinions. Do spread the word about our fabulousness 🤗

Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2021 16:09

It would be really good if people could start posting links where this rampant double standard behaviour is taking place. All these posters who base their identical response on the sex of the author.

Or just answer the question: why is there a double standard?

NEVERQUIT3331 · 29/03/2021 16:18

A lot. I have seen posts where men need to check their privilege. We all agree with that. But the posters aren't willing to acknowledge their privileges as well e.g. being white or dismissing something that is racist by saying "no it was not." Suddenly everyone becomes an expert on what is and is not racist.

Lol LTB another one. Someone might say their husband did one or two mistakes (not abuse/cheating) and they are told to LTB. I do not know why someone would say that. Imagine being the reason for breaking someone up just because you misread something/just wanted to say LTB.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 16:19

Not relevant on his fame, the point being that people defended her when it wouldn't be done to him. The extent of the beating again is another cop put- assault is assault.

His level of fame is entirely relevant - because men can beat, rape and kill women and still hold the privilege of fame and success.

Assault is not all the same - not that it's a competition but Rihanna's beating was far more brutal than what Caroline Flack's boyfriend had done to him. I can't say I've personally seen anyone defend her, but seeing as she died shortly after it happened there was acknowledgment that her issues were more complex than just "husband beater".

Yes but this is not REDDIT, it is mn and a site where many posters go mad over men displaying such behavior yet do it themselves on the same site.

You've picked out one thread - bravo. Maybe actually compare languages used in how men speak about women vs how women speak about men. I've never seen any gratuitously violent language used towards men in a thread about attractive males. It's utterly rife in threads about women ("I'd destroy her" etc)

Again doesn't counteract every single case nor does it permit the ethos that money a man inherits is ''family money'' but when a woman inherits it's ''her money''.

My original point still stands on this, you haven't really argued against it. Women are wise to protect themselves financially in a way a man shouldn't need to be. My fight is more with this normality and this system rather than women protecting themselves

Do you know what, I absolutely love it when thinly veiled MRA's come on this site, try to call us all man haters and get their arses handed to them. Aside from the fact that you're not half as clever as you think you are (one username going on all the threads crying about the menz) I'm sure you assumed - because patriarchy - we are just a site full of silly housewives, rather than intelligent women who eat MRAs like you for breakfast. Spill your apologist illogical nonsense on somewhere like 4chan, you have no place here.

NEVERQUIT3331 · 29/03/2021 16:22

Everyone knows the Rishi Sunak thread as well. He is getting laughed at for his height and mocked for it. And when some posters tried to say it could be deemed offensive it was just a 'preference.'

Not to also mention height differs by country. His parents are originally Indian and the average height there is about 5 foot 7 for men. It is something he could not control and he is getting ridiculed for it. Before someone says women get ridiculed as well two wrongs do not make a right. Both are equally as wrong.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 16:22

@thatwasme22

And so you are going to blame every single man for that>? Would you tolerate Muslim abuse on here because of the terrorist attacks being done primarily by Muslim extremists?
Who is blaming every single man? Who has actually done that? Stop embellishing, it doesn't help your cause. Men cause 98% of sexual violence against both sexes. It isn't just one man doing it - but you think women should STFU about that to spare their feelings? No.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 16:23

@RUOKHon

The double standards argument is a false equivalence and intellectually lazy. It’s the most tedious form of semantic hair-splitting.

It’s like saying black people can be racist against white people while completely ignoring who has the power, who is abusing it, and who created the structure within which that abuse of power occurs.

Women are systematically discriminated against in the workplace. Women are killed by men at a rate of one every three days for the last ten years. Baby girls are killed at birth for being the wrong sex. Female children are genitally mutilated. Women in too many countries around the world don’t have access to safe and legal abortion because of legislation made by men.

Where’s the equivalence there? There is none. So forgive me if I don’t care about men’s hurty feelings when they get called ugly on a female forum.

Men rating female politicians on their looks is an act of misogyny. Relatively, women rating male politicians on their looks is an act of subversion.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Knowingitsallover · 29/03/2021 16:24

I agree OP and all this its to do with a power balance I am sure that a man being called ugly or treated badly doesn't feel that power balance at the time when they
Are suffering, and would rather we accept good and bad people and that we all actually just treat others how we would wish to be treated .

JaneJeffer · 29/03/2021 16:24

it was just a 'preference.'
Nothing wrong with having preferences or expressing those preferences.

PADH · 29/03/2021 16:25

@marchez

If a woman posts saying her sex life is dead, as her partner no longer wants it, there is loads of advice about whether she should leave, or maybe a "discreet affair" as women have needs.

But if it is a man who posts about it, he is told to sort himself out, that his partner should not have sex she doesnt want etc.

On here, women have sexual needs, men have sexual wants, and if the man isnt getting what he wants he is told to put up with it, but if the woman isnt getting what she needs, she is advised to have an affair

Have you any links to this? I have read a few posts suggesting what you've written, but certainly not a majority, or an overwhelming majority as you've suggested. It's definitely not a theme. You're creating your own narrative to suit the point you're trying to make and match the opinion you hold, but it certainly isn't based on fact.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 16:25

@CarolVordermansBum

*I don’t get what you think is wrong in either of those examples*

It was literally the same people saying no oral, no relationship, who will not give oral sex. How can you not see the double standard.

Of all the made up things that I've seen today, this is probably my favourite
Knowingitsallover · 29/03/2021 16:26

@Hailtomyteeth I actually know more than the odd one who is decent and actually many of us are mothers to boys or you g men so your I take it personally when you group my boys together as your implying im not a good mum.
I also know some horrible shitty women its not exclusive to just men

PickAChew · 29/03/2021 16:27

I've voted yabu because there are many many posters on mumsnet and, surprisingly, we are not all the same.

It would only be double standards if it was the same person expressing contradictory views.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 16:28

@CarolVordermansBum

*Was it? I think we needs links to see who those posters were*

Unfortunately the thread started by the husband was deleted ( probably due to all the women accusing him of abuse) but I'm sure you could find the other one easily

Oh how convenient 😂🤣😂🤣
CarolVordermansBum · 29/03/2021 16:28

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows WinkWinkWink

GeidiPrimes · 29/03/2021 16:30

I call myself a feminist Grin Grin Grin

Knowingitsallover · 29/03/2021 16:32

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows many of us have seen double standards we can't remember al the threads or link them all but its very clear on here at times