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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Double standards on mn.

744 replies

thatwasme22 · 29/03/2021 14:55

This week so far:

  1. I have seen various posters defend Caroline Flack for having issues. Maybe she did but then the same argument would not be made on Chris Browne.
  1. A thread on the physical attractiveness on male politicians. Imagine a male forum did this on females.
  1. A thread with a woman hiding her inheritance from her husband and encouraged to do so by many posters and him being called financially abusive for being sensible over money. When men do this on mn it's all ltb.

Am I missing something? I call myself a feminist so am pro equality and that's how I raised my kids but why is this not being called out on mn?

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2021 19:20

@BillMasen

Those pointing out it’s different posters are missing g the point. Yes it is, but it’s about double standards being tolerated, supported, not called out across mn as a whole. You can say something about a man, and about a woman, and get very different responses (yes from different posters) but it’s more that this is accepted and there’s a broad culture

I’m not articulating this well so as an example, if there’s a thread where someone comes into money. Those who advocate keeping it all pipe up if it’s a woman. Those who advocate sharing it all pipe up when it’s a man. The keepers don’t post when it’s a man and the sharers don’t post when it’s a woman

How do you know what they think if they don’t post?
Chanjer · 29/03/2021 19:22

I understand exactly what you mean but that also assumes that all posters read all threads

Like I said before there's an absence of people heavily present in political threads in the lighter type threads

There's also alot of people who very vocally centre women and transgressions against men aren't on their radar, that's not double standards that's someone concentrating on the issues that concerns them

BillMasen · 29/03/2021 19:23

I don’t, but it’s an observation that general opinions aren’t even handed, and a hypothesis that could be the reason

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 19:23

@BillMasen

See

“All male politicians are unattractive” jokes. Ha ha very good

“All female politicians are unattractive jokes”. Not acceptable

Only one gets called out

I'll save my sympathy for the 1 in 10 women raped by men, the 1 in 4 women victims of domestic violence and the 2 women a week murdered by a man, rather than politicians who aren't listed after.
BillMasen · 29/03/2021 19:24

I do see sharers posting on one thread, keepers on another and very rarely does one pipe up on the opposite thread though

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 19:24

*lusted

MinnieMous3 · 29/03/2021 19:25

YANBU the double standards on here are unreal, and just the general lack of self awareness.

People moving from London to rural villages then post to complain there ‘isn’t enough culture and not much going on’

Women who have unprotected sex, get pregnant then write a post about their conflicted feelings over their ‘unplanned pregnancy’ I mean duhhhh

Posters in AIBU deciding to believe the 1% of posters who agreed with them rather than the 99% who don’t and going ‘thanks for all techie supportive messages’. All 2 of them.

People posting about their kids being little shits, then asking whether they should be apologising for telling them off 🙄 now I can see why they’re a little shit...

It’s maddening

BillMasen · 29/03/2021 19:25

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I agree. Not the point I was making though

Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2021 19:28

@BillMasen

I do see sharers posting on one thread, keepers on another and very rarely does one pipe up on the opposite thread though
But that could be for a million reasons.

I think it’s more likely that women get different advice because it’s a predominantly female website and in the main, the replies are likely from people who have some experience. So for example, a post about sex after childbirth will have varied responses if the OP is Male.

Also you can’t know the sex of the poster unless they say, which is relatively rare, aside from the Man Here! types. So you can’t know for certain which of the keepers and sharers are female.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 19:30

[quote Knowingitsallover]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows because I don't group say all men together as many do , i accept there are good and bad as there are with women to.
I know as many women I dislike / aren't nice as I do men[/quote]
What has feminism got to do with men though? It's about women.

BillMasen · 29/03/2021 19:34

@Pumperthepumper I don’t disagree, but I do know that the overwhelming “feel” of those that do post is that those believing the man is wrong will be more minded to post and the opposing views less minded to post on that thread.

And no I don’t know the sexes of (most) posters.

Pumperthepumper · 29/03/2021 19:36

[quote BillMasen]@Pumperthepumper I don’t disagree, but I do know that the overwhelming “feel” of those that do post is that those believing the man is wrong will be more minded to post and the opposing views less minded to post on that thread.

And no I don’t know the sexes of (most) posters.[/quote]
I don’t see how you can know that if they don’t post though.

callmeH · 29/03/2021 19:55

@Thelnebriati

When you see the same poster using double standards, call them out.
Isn't this what the OP is trying to do in general terms? She's on a hiding to nothing on this website, if you're not toeing the line you're pilloried.
BadNomad · 29/03/2021 19:56

There is no "double standards on mn". You do realise Mumsnet is not an entity or collective hive-mind, right? Every woman is unique with her own thoughts, feelings and opinions, with different backgrounds and experiences. Each person responds to threads as an individual.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/03/2021 19:59

@expectopelargonium

There have been slightly too many threads in a similar vein to this one just lately; mainly asking feminists to justify their reasons for being so horrid to the menz. One could almost be forgiven for thinking it isn't a coincidence.
I know quoting people's exact words with only the addition of the word 'this' is an annoying habit. But ...

This. Star Star

NiceGerbil · 29/03/2021 20:09

Just skimming, is this the same poster as the super long one the other day about a DD and a boy playing Minecraft where OP said they were worried they were a misandrist?

NiceGerbil · 29/03/2021 20:19

Maybe not. I'll have a read of the thread.

My thoughts not having read it are.

  1. Don't know much about Caroline flack past the news. She was arrested and charged I believe so can't say the law was easy on her. Then she committed suicide which makes me wonder if there wasn't another example to use instead of her? She's dead it seems a bit off to use her to make a point. Comparing her to Chris brown who as I understand it has a list of accusations as long as your arm and nothing ever seems to come of it? Might Google.

Yes Google confirms he has a bunch of accusations of sex offences behind him.

I think it's really out of line to draw parallel between this man who I think it's widely accepted is a bad 'un and is still afaik a free man, and a dead woman who kill fairly sure didn't have years worth of rape accusations behind her. In fact it's a really awful thing to do.

  1. Hahaha at idea men don't talk about women in all sorts of objectifying demeaning ways.

Can't remember the rest.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 20:20

[quote Knowingitsallover]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows you yourself have applauded the poster who says men rating looks is different to women? So double standards as if that man getting insulted doesn't matter because women are more oppressed , which may be the case but if that man is maybe hurt by whats being said is that ok as you have grouped him , rather than looking at it from an individual level[/quote]
Well that's one hell of an assumption about me. And I think you missed the point on that post. Perhaps purposefully

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 29/03/2021 20:23

@BillMasen

Those pointing out it’s different posters are missing g the point. Yes it is, but it’s about double standards being tolerated, supported, not called out across mn as a whole. You can say something about a man, and about a woman, and get very different responses (yes from different posters) but it’s more that this is accepted and there’s a broad culture

I’m not articulating this well so as an example, if there’s a thread where someone comes into money. Those who advocate keeping it all pipe up if it’s a woman. Those who advocate sharing it all pipe up when it’s a man. The keepers don’t post when it’s a man and the sharers don’t post when it’s a woman

Im not missing the point at all

And i do understand what you are saying

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 29/03/2021 20:24

Sorry posted to soon

I do understand what you are saying so you are obviously articulating it 😀

Witchcraftandhokum · 29/03/2021 20:28

I completely agree.

NiceGerbil · 29/03/2021 20:36

OP what are your thoughts on the conversation so far?

I find these sorts of posts really interesting.

Does anyone know if people go onto male dominated sites and start threads like this? I genuinely have no idea.

The problem seems to be.

Double standards exist (across society, obv)
Threads on MN sometimes show double standards (how many posters are on here??!!)
If it were revealed that men were judging female looks on male dominated sites there would be uproar from (women? MN? Not sure). That's a bizarre claim given real life. I mean p*nternet exists, for example. The idea men aren't free to objectify women is very odd.

And then the bit about not judging all men in the actions of a few. Which I think is what it's actually about as we've had a few threads saying this is sexist/ unfair/ misandrist etc.

So in terms of double standards how does it work for women.

If I am out and about somewhere deserted and it's late etc and there is a man there Vs a woman there I feel a different level of threat.

Now we're told that to treat them differently, or be wary, is bad because it's tarring all men with the same brush etc.

So I think ok I'll do what I would with a woman and head down the alley in the dark on my own with random chap there. It's true he's probably fine.

Something happens. Lots of people would say, why did she go down there after dark on her own when she could see there was a bloke hanging around down there.

And that's a double standard.

Women are told to give men the benefit of the doubt. But if we do and something happens. We should have been careful.

Tricky one isn't it.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/03/2021 20:48

-Yes it is, but it’s about double standards being tolerated, supported, not called out across mn as a whole. You can say something about a man, and about a woman, and get very different responses*.

Picture this. A patriarchal society with a frighteningly misogynistic culture in which 2-3 women a WEEK (statistics, Women's Aid) are killed by men, and twice the average statistic of women have been killed during lockdown by their male partners. A society in which hundreds, thousands of women responded in their droves to #MeToo and awareness started to spread of how pervasive a scourge on our society this is. In which, just this month, stories have started to break - frightening, heartbreaking stories - about the horrible atmosphere of disrespect against girls and, yes, rape culture, pervading our schools.

In one corner of toxic cyberspace, in a society set up to privilege and serve the interests of the half of the human population who happen to be sporting a penis, there's a site with a predominantly female demographic. On some of its threads, the scales of this overwhelming pro-male bias and anti-female prejudice are tipped in favour of women.

Well, fuck me. Hmm

MiaChia · 29/03/2021 21:17

I can't be bothered to engage with exhibitions of toxic masculinity so I'm out. Enjoy your faux outrage lads. Misandry my ar$e but if it pleases you to complain about your delicate male sensibilities please continue scolding women for as long as you like. I for one am not listening and shall go and read some brilliant feminist analysis before retiring to my ladylike boudoir 😂

Namenic · 29/03/2021 21:23

I’m pro equality and think we should try not to be hypocritical, but I think for these things - the devil is in the detail.

Someone who complains that sahm does not keep the place spotless when they have 2 under 5s is different from someone who does little housework but plays on computer (so wohp has to do multiple chores on top of their job).

Most people would say that a middle level of tidiness is required, but above that people shouldn’t sweat so much; also how much other stuff a person does (eg night wakings, diy, homeschooling); and a person’s challenges (eg health or mental health problems) matters too.

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