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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

219 replies

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 28/03/2021 17:53

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 29/03/2021 10:40

It doesn’t matter what others think as long you know your truth. I hope you get the help you need OP Flowers

DianaT1969 · 29/03/2021 10:49

Stop caring what others think. You'll also be surprised how many people realise he is abusive and don't say anything until you have left.
Follow the advice upthread. Being in a small place using UC and your wages until you can find full-time work will be 100 times better than this. He isn't a good role model to your DC. Your relationship isn't a good one for them to learn from. Leave. Leave and don't look back.

Ninibest · 29/03/2021 11:34

OP I clearly understand what you are going through, I am going through a same situation as you and my situation is harder because I have 2 kids with him, and as you is not everyday they are bad and when I have peace I think to myself that next time he mistreat me I will take action but I am never strong enough to do it, but I have faith that one day I will have the strength. Hope you will be able to help yourself too

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 29/03/2021 11:42

Why are you wasting years of your life on this pathetic excuse of a man? There are a lot of good kind men out there and you could do a hell of a lot better.

OldEvilOwl · 29/03/2021 11:45

By the way he always blames his behaviour on me. Always. It’s always someone else’s fault

He is the only person that is responsible for his behaviour. I hope you find the strength to get out OP

Twoforthree · 29/03/2021 12:14

This that matter, don't mind. Those that mind, don't matter.

So what if you are painted as the bad one? You know the truth.

MiaChia · 29/03/2021 12:14

Please, those of you who are blaming the OP for not getting out of her marriage, try to understand what it is like being in an abusive marriage. It's far more nuanced than realising your husband is a bad man and packing your bags. I left an abusive marriage many years ago and truly thought I'd got myself a good man the second time round, only it turns out I hadn't. Like a lot of other women have found, lockdown has exacerbated his controlling behaviour and we have no-where to escape to at the moment.

OysterMonkey · 29/03/2021 13:10

On another note if we split I am almost certain I will be painted by others as a total cow in this. People will assume I’ve left him for superficial reasons and think I’m shallow

  1. Who cares?
  2. Furnish them with the truth.

What you posted upthread about parking your car incorrectly, wearing too much perfume etc... leading to lengthy interrogations is an horrific way to live.

Your boiling frog analogy was so true. 😢

I hope you are to get away from this evil, evil man.

TubeOfSmarties · 29/03/2021 13:40

You know what you need to do. It will be hard but there is help available. Don't worry about other people. And indeed you may find that some of them had an inkling things were badly wrong but hadn't liked to ask.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2021 14:50

I thought everyone would take my exH's side. He was also funny and the life and soul, and did more than pints at the pub for other people.

But months later his best friend said, "he's a good mate but he's a shit husband, I don't blame you" and actually helped make sure ExH wouldn't rip me off in the divorce. You never know what people really think.

We're rooting for you OP. However long it takes to leave.

me4real · 29/03/2021 15:35

It’s not like he’s bad every second of every day.

@Tomorrowmustbebrighter It hardly ever is. The charm is part of the cycle of abuse, to keep you hooked in. Doesn't make it less of an abusive relationship.

When it comes to anyone else's beliefs, you can comfort yourself by knowing they just don't know the facts of what was going on.

His being charming in public whilst being abusive to you is a textbook narcissistic trait.

But months later his best friend said, "he's a good mate but he's a shit husband, I don't blame you" and actually helped make sure ExH wouldn't rip me off in the divorce. You never know what people really think.

What @MrsTerryPratchett says is true. I thought my ex charmed everyone and was really popular. Turns out a lot of people think he's a dickhead and see what he's like.

notdaddycool · 29/03/2021 16:10

Only reason to cancel is to put the money in a fuck off fund - or to pay for a locksmith.

diamondpony80 · 29/03/2021 16:31

I hardly ever say this because I believe in giving relationships as much of a chance as possible, but please LTB. You deserve better and this will NOT get any better.

simonthedog · 29/03/2021 16:35

I don't think it is really about furniture, you have realised he is deliberately mean and nasty. You need to leave. Sorry

Whythesadface · 29/03/2021 18:08

Most people checking their partners movements are like that because it's them doing the wrong thing.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 29/03/2021 18:40

OP turn your back on anyone who doesn't support you. They dont matter. You know the truth. He probably will play the innocent victim ( " look at all I've done for her etc", she's taking my children..). He may say you are the abusive one, he may threaten to hurt himself even. Classic abuser. They are all the same with the same script. My ex's family blamed me, "I was evil, I led him on, I had issues, I was responsible for him not taking his medication..Hmm" I blocked them all. And now they can deal with the damaged abusive man themselves. I'm away free and I dont give a toss. I can speak to who I want, look at crap on social media, wear makeup if I want....the list goes on. This can be you a few months down the line, you would never look back, I promise you.

Bumblebee1980a · 05/04/2021 10:46

@notdaddycool

Only reason to cancel is to put the money in a fuck off fund - or to pay for a locksmith.
Oh my god "A fuck off fund". I love this 😂.
Bumblebee1980a · 06/04/2021 07:30

Any update @Tomorrowmustbebrighter? Did your furniture arrive?

Hope you're sticking up for yourself. X

RedSoloCup · 06/04/2021 21:28

Just came back to see if you're okay OP?

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