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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

219 replies

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 28/03/2021 17:53

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 28/03/2021 20:26

Don't cancel it but I would suggest delivering it elsewhere. You need to take the kids and go or kick his arse out. You deserve better. Who does he think he is dictating what you can and can't have then taking it away. I suggest you get out and show people what his really like.

Feelinghothothottoday · 28/03/2021 20:27

Keep posting OP but do take care.

Can you and the teens stay with parents?

JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 20:27

He sounds like an arse

Get the furniture. Leave him. Get a plaque on the items with something engraved to make you think every time you use it that you are worth so much more than this manipulative twat wants you to feel

AmberItsACertainty · 28/03/2021 20:27

You haven't said if you want to kick him out or leave yourself OP, it's best if he leaves but not always possible where abuse is involved. Your safety comes first.

If you do leave yourself, take what you can if you have a chance to take anything. Every little helps. Take the DC beds, half the blankets and bedding, half the crockery cutlery etc, if you bought all the under the sink cupboard cleaning stuff out of your wages then it's yours so take it, take all the DC clothes and anything you personally bought them. If DC will be spending time at his house he can buy them stuff for that. British Heart Foundation shops sell furniture and electricals, Facebook selling pages are good for cheap stuff too.

MrHannigansCat · 28/03/2021 20:29

You need to see a solicitor to see where you stand, but you can do this, get help, from family or friends anyone who can help you seek legal advice and get out of the relationship, not the house.

You deserve better than this and deep down you know it. Flowers

AmberItsACertainty · 28/03/2021 20:31

Blaming you for everything is because he's a knob. They all do that. Nothing is ever their fault. Decent men don't behave this way but all the knobs do. Have a look at the women's aid website you'll probably be able to spot other signs.

Honeyroar · 28/03/2021 20:35

Keep posting on this thread. And move it to the secret bit of Mumsnet where it can’t be seen on general searches. Keep your strength and focus with help from people on here. Focus on your peaceful future where you have your own little home without him and with whatever furniture you decide on,

And you’re doing your youngest a favour removing the influence of this dreadful father a little- no good father treats the children’s mother so badly. Your children are growing up thinking this is normal. My friend has a bossy controlling husband. Her 21 year old daughter has just moved in with her boyfriend who controls all her money. My friend is worried. I want to shake her and say “but that’s how we worry about you!” But she won’t face the truth. Don’t be like her.

goingtotown · 28/03/2021 20:37

If the OP leaves the house how will she be able to have the money for a deposit & pay rent when she can’t afford a couple of hundred pounds for cheap furniture.

AmberItsACertainty · 28/03/2021 21:04

@goingtotown

If the OP leaves the house how will she be able to have the money for a deposit & pay rent when she can’t afford a couple of hundred pounds for cheap furniture.
Until she investigates she won't know what help she might be entitled to, being in an abusive relationship isn't the same as just being feckless with money. Maybe friends or family would help her, maybe she'd qualify for help from a scheme to provide an extremely cheap loan for the deposit, who knows? It doesn't do to write an option off before it's be properly looked into. Once he knows she is leaving he could become more abusive. "I deserve to keep the house" isn't necessarily a reason to tolerate being beaten up or the risk of it, it depends on the person's individual circumstances and their emotional state (can they take any more) and attitude to risk in general.
SwedishK · 28/03/2021 21:08

Worth mentioning is also that even if OP leaves the house, it doesn't mean that she won't be entitled to live there once the divorce is finished. The court (if it gets to that stage) will decide who (if anyone) should stay in the house.

AmberItsACertainty · 28/03/2021 21:14

When I left with part time wages I moved in with a colleague who was looking for a lodger. But if that hadn't been possible I had 10 close friends and I know that if I'd explained my situation and asked them all for £20 towards a rental deposit they'd have given it, that's £200 straight off. Also OP has her wages. If the timing of taking on a rental is just after being paid that'd pay the first month's rent. She'd need a guarantor I expect. She can get a referral for the food bank, we're coming into the season of light evenings, warmer weather, so minimum utilities. Things aren't always easy but that doesn't mean they're impossible.

Wendyhause · 28/03/2021 21:26

There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is

You summed it up right there. Never mind the disappointment of not having a bit of new furniture. That would not even paper over the huge cracks. If your home was turned into a showroom spanking new glossy palace overnight would that make him a nice man? Of course not.
I know leaving your home and starting again is a massive task and not something you can do lightly. If you were childless it would be somewhat more straightforward so I know you will have to decide if you can bear to go through the awful steps to part from your children's father but what is the alternative? A miserable life for years and years.
I really hope you find the strength to do what you know you must to salvage some happiness for you and your children.

Men like this do not change. They don't accept they are in the wrong so how could they ever change for the better.

Zebracat · 28/03/2021 21:28

He sounds an absolute bag of shit. And you’ve had years of this charmer putting you down, recovery can start right here. Just from your posts,it is clear that he has been financially and emotionally abusive. The courts do recognise that behaviour, and, unlike him, they will also acknowledge your contribution to the family, in building a home, and raising your children.
Get some advice from women’s Aid. I think too many women end up leaving their home. It should be this creep who has to leave.

Bumblebee1980a · 28/03/2021 21:37

Aww sending you a virtual hug OP.

Totally understand why you'd feel heartbroken over someone taking pleasure in taking something you've been so looking forward to, from you.

I can't see anything about physical violence so I would suggest not cancelling the items and actually standing up for yourself. Bullies find strength in people who they THINK are weak so maybe you need to give him a taste of his own medicine (if you feel it's safe enough to do so).

Also you need to develop a plan to leave this despicable monster (even if he apologises and says you can keep the items).

💐

PleaseHoldCaller1 · 28/03/2021 21:41

Oh i'm so sorry OP, this is so awful for you. You will be happy again, and there is a new life for you if you choose to find it. Take all the help and advice offered and get yourself out, you deserve better than this and I wish you well.

Seabreeze18 · 28/03/2021 22:05

I think u really did know that u needed to leave this man but u just needed permission to do it? This thread has given u that permission to choose happiness! Well done, massive first step accomplished!!! It will be all worth it in the end!

Nomorepies · 28/03/2021 22:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

NichyNoo · 28/03/2021 22:10

I mean, obviously you should leave the bastard but I’ve seen too many of these threads to know that you won’t. Don’t cancel the order. What’s he going to do? Silent treatment for a few weeks? Worth twice the price to shut him up for a while.

OysterMonkey · 28/03/2021 22:20

God @Tomorrowmustbebrighter (very apt username BTW - it will be) the more you post the worse he sounds.
If he tracks your internet usage please make sure you close this down after use, and have password protected your phone (with a very hard to guess password) and maybe disable notifications so emails don’t pop up on your Home Screen where he could possibly see them, every time someone replies to the thread.
Good luck if you are making plans to leave. We’re all behind you.

thepatioislumpy · 28/03/2021 22:43

Hello lovely. Nine years ago I could have written your post. I posted her on Mumsnet and got the best advice I could ever have had. I often say that this lovely nest of vipers saved my life.

If you want some help, feel free to PM me. I can help in whatever way you want xx

thepatioislumpy · 28/03/2021 22:44

*here on Mumsnet

DaphneDuBois · 28/03/2021 23:03

You sound so utterly worn down by him, OP. No wonder - he sounds like an utter drain and as if he enjoys having horrible power. Leaving such a toxic relationship is not a super-easy thing to do, even though many posters say ‘leave’ as if it’s like checking out of an unsuitable hotel. It takes planning, especially financially, for many women. Crucially though, you recognise that this is unacceptable and can’t continue. Now you can start to put plans in motion for a happier life without him.

vivavino · 28/03/2021 23:14

I recognise this, I'm 15 years away from it now and grateful every day that I'm free of that hollowing soul destroying time. I hope you can get out too OP, you deserve better.

FuckYouCorona · 28/03/2021 23:23

Sounds like my ex. LTB. Flowers

whymewhyme · 28/03/2021 23:34

He's a spitefull little shit and you sound lovely and clearly deserve alot better. Fuck him off be free and happy