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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

219 replies

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 28/03/2021 17:53

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 28/03/2021 18:18

Why on earth would you think he would be reasonable after years of abusing you?

He sounds utterly vile OP. I’m sorry you’ve had such a miserable time with him. It’s time for a change.

BeenHereForAges · 28/03/2021 18:18

He sounds awful OP. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better.
Can you leave?

MixedUpFiles · 28/03/2021 18:19

He is cruel and you write about him sleeping off a hangover like it’s a think adults do regularly (hint: it’s not). Are there financial barriers to leaving? Cultural? Worries about practicalities?

LouiseTrees · 28/03/2021 18:19

I’d cancel him. He’s been drinking enough to get a hangover, I bet it’s not a one off. I bet you’ve spent as much as a household on alcohol as this new furniture.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 28/03/2021 18:19

I'm so sorry, OP. What is this man adding to your life? Is this the model of partnership/parenting you want your children to grow up with? It sounds so wearing living with this sort of thing.

Parky04 · 28/03/2021 18:20

So he is allowed to waste money on booze but you can't spend some on furniture! He is a controlling wanker and I wouldn't put up with it. Why do you?

CatalinaCasesolver · 28/03/2021 18:20

@Suzi888

Redirect the furniture to a friend, move out and furnish your own place. If he’s violent, go to women’s aid. If he’s just being a knob, say nothing and let him sleep it off. Don’t cancel the order...
THIS!

Keep the furniture, get it delivered elsewhere and leave the piece of shit.

MrsApplepants · 28/03/2021 18:21

Why on earth are you with a man like this? Keep the furniture and bin him.

CagneyNYPD · 28/03/2021 18:22

What a horrible man. Watching you get your hopes up then crushing them for his own amusement.

Are you safe OP?

TrickyGoldfinch · 28/03/2021 18:24

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was with someone for years who belittled and gaslighted me and I was terrified to leave because I thought I'd be completely alone, friends would take ex's side etc. From experience while people might not know the extent of the abuse they definitely know something is up. I left a year and a half ago and it was the best decision I ever made. I know it's hard but please reach out to someone you trust or ask for advice online. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Jumpers268 · 28/03/2021 18:25

Oh this made me so sad. What a shitty thing for him to do. The only reason is to hurt you and to show he has control over you. Really that's it. Firstly, don't cancel the order. Secondly, whilst I appreciate it's really hard when you've been ground down for years, start thinking about the future. Get your ducks in a row, even if you don't leave him tomorrow or even in a years time. When you have a way to escape, it'll feel less daunting.

murbblurb · 28/03/2021 18:25

'dear partner' ???? He doesn't like you and isn't a partner, and you (understandably) don't like him.

life is too short. Whatever it takes, end this.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2021 18:25

Cancel the items, if you can, and make a plan to leave this complete and utter bastard. When you have your own home you'll be able to choose lovely things to go in it.

If you buy it now, he's not likely to let you take it with you anyway, if you left him. If he did, though, they would be tainted with the memory of him.

Insomnia5 · 28/03/2021 18:26

How many more years of your life are you going to waste with this wanker?

justanotherneighinparadise · 28/03/2021 18:28

My sister used to let me dress up for a night out as a teenager, carefully apply my make up and do my hair, then when I was ready tell me we weren’t going out after all. Then she’d watch me take everything off, all my make up, clothes and get into bed, then tell me we were going out after all. Honestly I fucking hated her and never trusted her again. Your situation strikes me as similar to that and my recommendation is to get rid of the twat. Mental mind games are the pursuit of psychopaths I’m afraid.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 28/03/2021 18:29

Cancel the order. Focus your energies on removing yourself from this relationship. One day hopefully in the not too distant future you will be decorating your own place to your taste and he won’t ever get a say in your decisions ever again.

I’m over simplifying it, I know how hard it is to leave an abuser but I really do hope this is the day you’ve had enough and mean it and start thinking up plans to get away from him.

Itsalonghaul · 28/03/2021 18:29

He knew how much it meant to you, he knew exactly what this meant to you, he is deliberating hurting you.

It is very cruel.

And I need the cancel it. He was smirking

He is enjoying every minute.

Op, it is not about the furniture, but about everything that came before. Please leave, have a house with furniture you love - with a life that is not hanging between the fingers of a man that enjoys crushing you.

I am sure he tortured small animals as a child, and now he has moved onto real live people. He will never change.

Thisgirlcanrun · 28/03/2021 18:30

Keep your furniture and get rid of him! What a douche!

category12 · 28/03/2021 18:30

How about making this the last time he pulls the rug out from under you?

What are your barriers to leaving?

mummylovesthesunshine · 28/03/2021 18:31

Leave him. The bastard!

GladysTheGroovyMule · 28/03/2021 18:31

Meant to say cancel the order and try to save the money you spent and put it aside, small amount or not, for yourself.

Roszie · 28/03/2021 18:31

Can you leave?

PandaFluff · 28/03/2021 18:32

This is so nasty. I'm glad you can recognise this is not right. Please look after yourself.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 28/03/2021 18:34

Agreed. It isn’t about the furniture.

You deserve so much more than wanting a wee bit of hope and something lovely.

Freedom from this sort of behaviour will give you hope and loveliness.

I’m not saying it will always be easier but it has got to be better than this 🌻

roguetomato · 28/03/2021 18:37

Wow, I am truly shocked that some people can be so nasty to their loved ones. I am so sorry it's happening to you.
I don't think I can stay with someone like that.