To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

[AmberItsACertainty]

It's just more abuse. LTB.

[XingMing]

Apologies to the OP. I read the early stuff and have just seen your update. He sounds appalling, please please get out of the way of him.

[Bluntness100]

Try kids are teens so there is no reason not to leave there, right? And you work?

Tell him to fuck off and keep the order in place. And leave op. You don’t need to take this and the kids are no longer an excuse to.

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I earn very little ( as I’m frequently reminded) so I just buy food shopping etc and clothes for kids. So that is a worry. We are also home owners

[DispensingShitAdviceSince2002]

WTF is it, with all these threads about horrible, gaslighting men? Have they shown their true colours in lockdown?

OP, you deserve better.

[Biscoffontoast]

I’m so sorry, sending you a big hug. I don’t have any practical advice as sadly I’m in a similar situation but I hope you find the strength you need, whatever outcome you seek. You are worth so much more than this arsehole.

[Pebbledashery]

Reading this made me so sad. I wish I could hug you xx
Echo what everyone else had said. X

[MotherofTerriers]

OP please keep posting here, even if you need to start new threads/change names a few times
The support given to women leaving abusive relationships is wonderful, and many people who post here have been through it and can give practical advice on what to do, as well as virtual hand holding
He sounds horrible, leaving will be hard but just hang on to how much happier your life will be without him in it

[Perlea]

Honestly you should act really sad about the furniture but say 'OK if we really can't have it'. Then when you leave him in a few weeks or so just full beam smirk at him. Like, a fog-light of a grin.

[me4real]

You know it's 'just' another manifestation of the frequent abuse and unacceptable behaviour. He was even gloatingly grinning about it. [anger] That is when they know their behaviour isn't ok but don't care, or are getting off on upsetting us.

Please find a way to LTB- the kids would be ok. xx

[SwedishK]

@Tomorrowmustbebrighter

I earn very little ( as I’m frequently reminded) so I just buy food shopping etc and clothes for kids. So that is a worry. We are also home owners

You are married and you own a home together so you won't be left with nothing. There is also other financial help.

Would he become violent if you told him you want to end your marriage? Do you have parents or siblings nearby?

[Alonelonelyloner]

I think I've had an epiphany reading this thread.

OP, my ex was so charming that I (inside my head) called him Hannibal Lecter. No one had my idea of how fucking brutal he was. Emotionally and physically.

The emotional stuff stays with me 26 years on.

If I can encourage as many women as possible to be free of men such as this before I die, then I die happy.

Leave this man. Life is too short. He IS abusing you.

[RandomMess]

Get legal advice. Serve divorce papers.

If he gets angry or threatening when they are served call the police.

It will be long and painful but it will be be difficult for you to move out with the DC.

[kimf1963]

Oh bless you sweetheart, I wish I could give you a great big hug, this is so disappointing for you and he knows this, it’s called coercive control. Please, please start making plans to leave this horrible man now, I know it’s not that simple to just go when money is tight, don’t like me, look back and wish you had left him years ago. Life is so, so short and you WILL be happier on your own, believe me I am. Don’t waste your life on him.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Practical steps on how to leave;
Many solicitors offer a free half hour, but not all. If you can get a free half hour, they'll be able to get you started.
You should get child maintenance from him, you can find out how much using his salary on the gov website.
You might get spousal maintenance as he is the higher earner and you gave up your career to look after your children (I've just got divorced and I did)
You need to work out the finances. Can you both afford for you to stay in the house and he move out? If not, you might need to sell up and buy two smaller houses.
Find out on gov website what benefits you will be entitled to.

Good luck op. One thing is for absolute certainty - you will be happier on the other side.

[LeaveMyDamnJam]

Trust me, he isn’t as charming as you might think.

[StephenBelafonte]

Cancel the furniture, keep the money, up your hours at work and start making plans to leave.

And IN YOUR HOME, if someone wants to speak to you, they can come and find you and speak to you. No-one gets to summon you in your own home. You're the second person on mumsnet today who'se said similar.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Get the fuck out. Good luck.

[Crimeismymiddlename]

I have read some horrible things on here, but this is truly one of the worst things. What a horrible man. It does sound like you have reached the end of what you want to deal with. Are you able to go back to your previous career-maybe you could utilise after school club so you can start to get ducks in a row. If he wants to continue pretending to be a top man he will have to pay you child support and the judge in your divorce will make sure you get what you are owed. Then after the children are over 18 you never need to see his face again.

[Mmn654123]

Are you married to him?

How much equity do you have in the house?

Does he have a pension building up?

How old are you both?

If you are married and you leave him you are entitled to half of everything as a starting point!

[LadyLolaRuben]

This post has made me cry. Please OP look after yourself, safely get a plan together and for the first time ever I'm going to say LTB

[Sadsiblingatsea]

Such a horrible unkind man. Good luck OP.

[DeeCeeCherry]

Well unless he's the last man standing, just leave. Life is too short to waste on someone who sucks the joy out of it.

Better to be single and buy furniture, cheap or not, than have a man not worth having.

[Stovetopespresso]

op asked for help on how to begin to ltb, is anyone able to help her aside from Womens Aid and CAB? Is that enough? are solicitors still offering and hour/ half hours free legal advice? op can you now get a job which pwuld boost your confidence and independence? or are you not on the right space for that at the moment

[Allmyarseandpeggymartin]

Just fuck him off op life is too short.

Read the regrets thread - you can do this x