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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

219 replies

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 28/03/2021 17:53

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

OP posts:
ikeepseeingit · 28/03/2021 23:47

I'm so glad you've made the decision to leave OP, well done you. Try to call Womens Aid for help, and have an appointment with a solicitor ASAP. Leave him and be free from his horrible-ness. You CAN do this!💕

Ninibest · 28/03/2021 23:58

Are you buying it with your money? If so, don't cancel it, you have to be strong and watch out if he is not going to hurt you. This sounds like he is controlling you

me4real · 29/03/2021 00:55

You could cancel it and put the money towards your escape/set up fund if poss.

Embra · 29/03/2021 01:01

Why do you need to ask him? Do you not have your own money?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 29/03/2021 02:12

@Embra

Why do you need to ask him? Do you not have your own money?
Abusive men (and women) do not see it like that. What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. She could be making 10 times what he makes, she would still have to run this by him.
hannayeah · 29/03/2021 03:01

Are you safe OP? Something about the description of his smirk worries me. How is is going to react when you “disobey” him and don’t cancel?

I think instead, cancel the furniture and lay low, so that you can start getting things in order to leave while he believes everything is status quo.

SionnachGlic · 29/03/2021 03:48

If he's a monster then you should just leave him. Why would you stay for that treatment? Ph family/ friend & ask for help for a few weeks & then get a job or increase your hours. I would be less upset about the furniture & more upset that he has form for cruel nasty treatment & I am still there with him. Leave...you might have very little to show for your time with him...but the rest of your time & money can be your own.

2bazookas · 29/03/2021 06:48

It's not the furniture that needs to be cancelled, it's the relationship.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 29/03/2021 07:09

OP it will be tough to leave, you are gas lighted and probably have a trauma bond with this scumbag. Plus kids,house and finances. But you have to do it. Take small practical steps as PP have advised. Rally any support network you can.
Thanks to the support on here and womens aid I left a lousy controlling destructive relationship and for the first few weeks it was hell. But now? I'm relaxed, I'm happy. I can see him for what he was and as soon as you are out, the scales will fall from your eyes. You can do this. Lots of us have and we are here for you.
Please ring womens aid, they are amazing and will help keep you safe as you put an exit plan together.

Lalliella · 29/03/2021 08:58

He sounds horrible and cruel. Building up your hopes that you can buy something nice then going back on it. He’s showing you who’s boss and upsetting you for his own entertainment. Every act like this makes you a bit more under his control. Please try and find the strength to leave him OP.

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 29/03/2021 09:07

Thanks again all. I’m not backtracking AT ALL but just want to explain to those who say “ why would you stay for this? Why would you put up with this? “. To try to explain a little; he’s a monster yes but he’s also a funny, clever and engaging person which shows itself on a routine basis and somewhat counteracts the monster. You end up living in hope and waiting for the “ good” DH to appear again. He’s not one dimensional and neither is the relationship. It’s not like he’s bad every second of every day. It’s not all dark clouds. But yes there are many dark clouds. Over the years piece by piece I’ve become more tethered to him. I’ve rendered myself more helpless and therefore more reliant on him. You end up feeling guilt and fear over spending too long in the super market, parking the car in a different way on the drive, not placing the cups the wrong way round in the cupboard or wearing too much perfume all incase he accuses you of having an affair and gets angry. You’ll then be cross examined for potentially hours sometimes days. It’s very hard to explain why I stay but it’s definitely fear, uncertainty and a kind of paralysis.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/03/2021 09:08

You have described the cycle of abuse. He is textbook abuser.

Download or buy the Lundy book "why does he do that".

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 29/03/2021 09:10

It is like a dripping tap or the boiling frog analogy. It happens slowly over so many years it’s not a sudden action of being abused.

OP posts:
Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 29/03/2021 09:13

By the way the cups and car being incorrectly positioned are questioned because he thinks it means I’ve had a man round to the house ( he’s not thought that since lockdown)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/03/2021 09:14

It's the slow drip drip of abuse. Just enough erode you and your boundaries away and not be able to pinpoint why his behaviour is awful/wrong/abusive.

Lbnc2021 · 29/03/2021 09:18

Op you seem to have a good insight to what is actually going on here. Hold on to that, get angry inside because that will fuel you to keep going. The feeling you have when you leave is amazing. You deserve so much better than the rubbish you’ve got. My exhusband earned good money and it’s not worth a fuck now, no amount of money could pay for the relief and happiness I feel now I’m away from him.

JustSleepAlready · 29/03/2021 09:33

Samaritans. 116123
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

So sorry you’re going through this. Please talk to some and get help to realise your worth and LEAVE.

MiaChia · 29/03/2021 09:44

I'm sorry you're going through all this OP and I can totally relate because I am in a similar position. My H has pulled this trick on me many times with the added nastiness that he actually 'allows' me to buy something, something he's agreed that we need/that he likes/that we can afford, but once it arrives he starts berating me for buying it. It is a very confusing technique and makes you feel as though you are going crazy. He definitely agrees that we should get the object in question but once it arrives he acts as though I went and bought it without even consulting him and forces me to return it or sell it.

Like you, I didn't realise I was being abused until many years down the line because, in between abusive periods, he appears kind and reasonable and to the outside world he seems to be a great father and husband. My children know the truth and I am sorry that I've not protected them better although he directs the bulk of his abuse towards me, not them. I am disabled and have no earnings apart from a small disability pension and cannot work so I am trapped. I hope you can get out though, if you decide it's the best thing for you.

longwayoff · 29/03/2021 09:50

OP yours is one of the saddest posts I've seen on MN. The resignation to frequent disappointment, the low expectations you've dared to have in case any demands more extreme trigger something worse. Would you like your children to have a partner like yours? Of course not. You deserve better. Please leave this relationship, nothing is worth such loss of self as this is costing you.

LilMidge01 · 29/03/2021 10:02

I'm slightly confused- why were your surprised that he suddenly said yes? And then he told you that there wasn't enough money for that? Can't you see how much money there is? Do you have no oversight over your finances? Does he do all money stuff? If so, that is incredibly concerning, especially if he is controlling, and I would say that even if you don't leave, you at the very least need to be involved in your own household finances!!!

pintsizeprincess · 29/03/2021 10:04

I know it's hard when the "good" side of your partner reappears for a bit. My ex husband was exactly the same. He could be funny, charming, Mr personality especially in public. So the cycle begins again as you start to doubt yourself. You start to feel you've imagined it , so you push your feelings away as it's easier to cope with your life that way but you're never truly relaxed as you have that deep sense of uneasiness that the slightest thing could sent him off again.

You think you're coping but you find yourself parking the way he likes it or arranging things in the house the way he likes it etc but you're living your life to avoid any possible triggering of the "monster " side of him.

You know yourself that this isn't healthy. You shouldn't have to modify your behaviours to appease him, walking on eggshells incase the volcano erupts again. Please reach out to friends or family or womens aid. There are people who can help if you let them. Be brave. It will be the best decision you have made. You can do this.

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 29/03/2021 10:27

@LilMidge01

I'm slightly confused- why were your surprised that he suddenly said yes? And then he told you that there wasn't enough money for that? Can't you see how much money there is? Do you have no oversight over your finances? Does he do all money stuff? If so, that is incredibly concerning, especially if he is controlling, and I would say that even if you don't leave, you at the very least need to be involved in your own household finances!!!
I was surprised because he doesn’t usually say yes to anything like that. He’s not keen on buying things for the house but very happy to be the big man at the pub buying pints for his friends. I can see what’s in the accounts but he has a better handle on cash flow than I do because he knows more about when he will get paid etc. I have my own account but as I mentioned it has very little in it each month as I don’t have a highly paid job anymore.

On another note if we split I am almost certain I will be painted by others as a total cow in this. People will assume I’ve left him for superficial reasons and think I’m shallow

OP posts:
Nowstrong · 29/03/2021 10:32

Who cares what others think! I think (not that you should care) that you would be much better without him. Have a long hard think about what would be best for YOU. Take care.

Ohpulltheotherone · 29/03/2021 10:35

Who cares what anyone else thinks OP.

You may well be surprised, people aren’t generally as gullible as you think. Your husband isn’t an evil genius who’s intelligently superior to everyone else - it will probably be well known that he’s actually a total cunt. But the people in the pub accepting pints from him either think that it’s none of their business or they are cunts too.

Read that again - he is NOT an evil genius. He is a sad little cunt who uses abuse to make himself feel better because deep deep down he has zero value for himself. He is truly flawed. But it is not up to you to save him or wait for him to become a better person.

Your kids aren’t little, they will cope.

You can have a better life, a happy life, one which isn’t controlled and dictated by a cruel little man, who gets enjoyment out of inflicting pain.

Do you realise how absolutely fucked up that is? He gets ENJOYMENT out of your pain.

Please please please make arrangements to leave. Women’s aid is a good place to start.

Regularsizedrudy · 29/03/2021 10:37

“ To try to explain a little; he’s a monster yes but he’s also a funny, clever and engaging person.”

So was ted bundy.

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