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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

219 replies

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 28/03/2021 17:53

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 28/03/2021 18:38

((HUG)).

Come on. You're strong enough to get yourself out of this 'relationship'.

Are you renting?
Do you work?
Do you have family/friends near by?

You and the kids deserve so much more than this.

tiredybear · 28/03/2021 18:38

What a controlling cruel prick.
Really, you know you need to leave. You deserve much better than this. Start today. Call women's aid. Tell a friend.

Whythesadface · 28/03/2021 18:41

Keep your funiture,
I so want you to tell him he is going NOT the furniture.
Do you work? Children?
As I think you need MN to help you get rid of your problem,,,
HIM

Otterspotterspocket · 28/03/2021 18:42

This reminds me of something that happened to me. My DH, who worked in the textile industry supplying high end fashion houses, took me out to a middle range women's wear shop (not in the UK but think Ted Baker price range). Spent ages choosing a beautiful, coordinated outfit for me. Dress, coat accessories; had the assistants fawning over him. He was your archetypal charming man. Then at the end it he demanded they give him a massive discount because he knew what the cost price of the items would have been. I was mortified and slipped out and off home. Needless to say he is old history.

StarCat2020 · 28/03/2021 18:45

He’s just called me through to the bedroom
I call my cat in from the garden when it is time to come in.

Who the fucking hell does he think he is to call you into anywhere?

Greenrubber · 28/03/2021 18:45

He sounds like a bit of a dick!

Otterspotterspocket · 28/03/2021 18:46

He is a sadistic prick and will only get worse. Get out before he gets handsy.

Alcemeg · 28/03/2021 18:47

Ouf. You know the answer, OP.

They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain.

You don't have to explain anything. Find somewhere safe to go, and go. As fast as you can. Good luck. X

Doyoumindfisithere · 28/03/2021 19:01

Oh that sounds horrible Flowers
Do you think you could get out? I know it isn;t easy to leave and it is so daunting but it sounds like you know you'd be better off on your own?

YoniAndGuy · 28/03/2021 19:01

Get out. Use this to inspire you.

You want to be at the end of your one shot at life still looking at his pathetic nasty smirking little toad's face?

Leave him in the dirt.

Stovetopespresso · 28/03/2021 19:01

I get its hard to leave, eastly for all to say ltb.
But in stages, what would happen if you calmly said something like 'nope, I'm keeping them actually
cue tantrum from him
"we'll just have to I've on less for a few weeks, I'm fed up of house looking unloved"
.... more tantrum, how can we do that etc
"how about we cut back on alcohol? that's got to be £x a week so will only take x weeks to pay off.'
cue discussion about genuine priorities, his and yours.

sorry op this shouldn't be relevant but to you have your own income you earn at the moment?

Sexnotgender · 28/03/2021 19:02

He’s a cunt. Leave him.

Lindy2 · 28/03/2021 19:05

Oh OP. I'm so sorry but that is no way to live. You sound so sad.

You deserve better than this. If you can get out of this relationship please do.

Cocomarine · 28/03/2021 19:06

Cancel him.

That was a really nasty, quite deliberate thing he did to set you up there, wasn’t it?

Who cares what other people think of him?

Plan your exit. Get help from CAB, Women’s Aid, on here... it doesn’t sound like you have financial independence if he’s “allowing” the furniture, so work on that and what support you would have without him. If you were my daughter or sister, I’d help you out of there.

No amount of nice furniture is going to make your home bearable whilst he’s still in it 😢

YouKnowItsTrue · 28/03/2021 19:07

He’s enjoying this isn’t he. Sadly l he will always be like this. Do you want to leave?

Jubaju · 28/03/2021 19:09

The furniture would be the last thing on my mind. ☹️

Twoforthree · 28/03/2021 19:11

Well hopefully this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's so blatantly cruel.

How difficult are the practicalities in leaving him? Do you have kids?

katy1213 · 28/03/2021 19:11

He's plenty of money for drink.
Don't cancel. You'll need new furniture for your new place when you wipe that smirk off his face and leave him.

karala · 28/03/2021 19:11

I almost never say LTB but I'm shouting it out here

longwayoff · 28/03/2021 19:12

I can't imagine living with someone so vile. What does he do for fun? Torture kittens? Please OP, summon up your strength and leave before he sucks the last of your spirit out of you. At which point he'll leave you anyway. Go first and go now.

Perlea · 28/03/2021 19:15

Fuck me if there was ever good cause to say LTB this is it

Tomorrowmustbebrighter · 28/03/2021 19:15

Thanks all of you for your kind support. It means a lot am very appreciative. A pp asked why I was worried he’d get wind of this post. Yes he does and has track messages, emails etc is very jealous and suspicious. I rarely went out before lockdown on evenings out without him. On the rare occasion I did I’d be plagued with messages all night and calls. On my return home I’d be treated to a cold shoulder for a couple of days and looks of utter disgust. He doesn’t take care of himself and drinks loads at weekends which we argue about constantly. Yes I’m worried about leaving as he has a much better paid job than me. I gave up my career as he would never help out with school runs or kids’ appointments so I had to take something to fit in with the kids . Another thing that stops me is the youngest is extremely attached to him and seems to have a close bond. Just worries me how he’d be. I need the make the leap though so agree. I need to at least try to get some happiness

OP posts:
S111n20 · 28/03/2021 19:16

Are you in a position to leave op ? He’s sounds horrid. It’s so upsetting the way your treated.

SwedishK · 28/03/2021 19:16

Oh, this is so sad. What a shitty thing to do and he is clearly gaslighting you, pretending he never said you could spend the money.

Do you need help getting out? There are lots of people on here who have left abusive relationships like yours and they have lots of tips.

Please let this be your final straw! He won't change.

ekidmxcl · 28/03/2021 19:17

Smirking sounds minor, but it’s classic bullying. It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks he’s nice. You can leave if that’s what you want. He sounds useless, try to leave.