Argument with husband over using public.toilets

[Mother40]

My husband has been very cautious during the pandemic (I have been cautious but I think he has been over the top). I do avoid using public toilets unless necessary, and would often go behind a busy on a walk rather than use them right now. However, it is my.period right now, so would obviously not want to go behind a bush. In the car I mentioned I might have to use the public toilets. My husband said I should.have.said this before.we.went, and should not be going a walk if I had to use the toilets. This turned into a huge argument and we ended up.only doing half the walk. I feel really angry that he would.cause a big argument over something so silly. I'm sure most people would.use public toilets right now if they had to but he is making me.feel like I'm totally In the wrong and like with most argument we.have will not back down.

We couldn't have all done this though, or cases would have been too high

What? Do you really think the pp stopping to use a motorway toilet twice a week would have spread covid?

People quite obviously need help - they have lost all rationality.

@CuthbertDibbleandGrubb

Whilst I think you should have gone before leaving the house, in the circumstances you face a public toilet was the sensible option. You could flush and perhaps turn on taps without hands being directly on them if you were concerned.

Newsflash - you can go before you leave the house and need to go again.

And the OP said she was on her period, even if you have a really strong bladder, you can't control your period flow.

Are people for real on this thread?

[quote Doyoumindfisithere]@Veterinari

On your specific points - my local supermarket must be hundreds of times bigger than the average public toilet block/room and therefore contains much much more air, not everyone washes their hands, and the cubicle partitions are not the point - going into a cubicle straight after someone else is in air terms the same as being in a room with them for a short period.

Doesn't mean I won't use them when I need to.[/quote]
Other people don't need to wash their hands to reduce your risk - you do.

All of this is besides the point though.
The point is that your assertion that toilets are a significant source of infection is patently false. In fact there's no evidence of transmission of coronavirus in toilets - see the link I posted previously.

Please do try and be more mindful when posting your opinion as fact. It isn't and when scaremongering isn't helpful.

Im so glad to be single when reading threads like this. op- do you both go to work? how does he think people manage in the world?

@poppycat10

We couldn't have all done this though, or cases would have been too high

What? Do you really think the pp stopping to use a motorway toilet twice a week would have spread covid?

People quite obviously need help - they have lost all rationality.

NO - you misunderstand! Not the toilets specifically!

Surely you understand - there were fewer people around which meant more space for those who did have to work outside the home?

That is what lockdown did.

If everyone had carried on working outside the home, cases would have been higher.

He sounds delightful

For our family, public toilets are a rare last resort these days. We wouldn’t casually plan a walk that required the use of one. So I can understand his upset at you casually springing it on him.

We have good reason to be operating on these policies and they are all calmly discussed as a family. Anyone, especially children is allowed to bring up concerns or proposed changes. We also as a family decide that an activity is worth a bit of risk and plan ahead to make it as safe as possible.
The key is that all the decisions are made together.

It's really very simple. No adult should need permission to use the toilet. Why does he even think he gets to have a say??

@Veterinari

You keep making things up - when you say The point is that your assertion that toilets are a significant source of infection is patently false I never said that. I never used the phrase 'significant source of infection'.

I said they were an area of concern. They were and are an area of concern. Unlike, for example, being outside.

You don't seem to read the words other people use, just make things up and then falsely claim it is scaremongering.

@Mother40

He said it wasn't that he wouldn't let me use the toilet.but I should.have told him that's what I intended to do.before we went as he would not have gone. I didn't tell.him as I did not expect him to react like that! According to him, it is me keeping something from him as I would know he would not want me to use the toilet.

This is fucking insane on numerous levels.

• it’s not up to him to “let you use the toilet”
• I don’t know about you, but I don’t go anywhere with the intention of visiting a public toilet. It happens because my bladder is full and I need a piss. It’s not called the call of nature for nothing.
• “According to him it is me keeping something from him” is he always so irrational, and / or does he always want to know all your thoughts? If the answer to either of these is yes, that’s very worrying.

My ex husband was like this, we both drive but he would always insist on driving and tbh he was such an awful critical passenger that l went along with it. On motorways if l wanted to stop at some point for a pee he wouldn't stop and we'd go sailing past the next service station and the next saying he 'didn't like that service station' or he 'forgot' or whatever. I used to be in actual pain and nearly in tears sometimes it was awful. I learned the tactic over the years of never telling him l needed the loo on the motorway or even saying no l was fine if he asked because l knew he would pull this stunt. It was reverse psychology - If he didn't think l wanted to go he would stop at a service station every so often and then l would get to go to the loo on a 'while lm here' basis.
He's an ex for that and many other reasons. It's a control thing OP. LTB.

Doyoumind the BBC article from June 2020 discusses a theoretical risk. Meanwhile the actual science Venturi linked to makes it clear that it hasn't happened.

I'm sorry, because you sound worried by this, but it isn't rational.

Health isn't merely the absence of disease it is being physically and mentally healthy. Going out when you can and using toilets normally is part of normal health.

@dementedpixie

Does he really think you'd catch covid in the toilets? They are not a hotbed of infection!

This! ^

@MixedUpFiles

For our family, public toilets are a rare last resort these days. We wouldn’t casually plan a walk that required the use of one. So I can understand his upset at you casually springing it on him. We have good reason to be operating on these policies and they are all calmly discussed as a family. Anyone, especially children is allowed to bring up concerns or proposed changes. We also as a family decide that an activity is worth a bit of risk and plan ahead to make it as safe as possible. The key is that all the decisions are made together.

You decide as a family if it's worth the risk of going to the loo or not?

@PurpleWh1teGreen

Doyoumind the BBC article from June 2020 discusses a theoretical risk. Meanwhile the actual science Venturi linked to makes it clear that it hasn't happened.

I'm sorry, because you sound worried by this, but it isn't rational.

Health isn't merely the absence of disease it is being physically and mentally healthy. Going out when you can and using toilets normally is part of normal health.

I am not worried, I use the loos at work

I just think it is pretty likely there will be some transmission in public toilets.

@PurpleWh1teGreen sorry, just to add - I think it is important to remember that people can think something happens without being worried about it.

I think some people have caught covid in the supermarket. I went yesterday and was not worried.

The narrative that if you think it is possible to catch covid somewhere it means you are worried is a nonsense.

@Mother40

I would normally prefer to go behind a bush right now and don't think its unhygeinic in the countryside, but if necessary to use a toilet, as it is now, am prepared to take that tiny risk. We do have children, who were there whilst we were having this discussion/arguament. I do worry what effect these kinds.of things will have on them, especially when my 8 year old copies him by.saying "yes mummy you shouldn't be.using public toilets"! God knows why my husband thinks its ok at school. I think of it wasn't for the children I would be having serious thoughts about this marriage, but its hard as a SAHM with children and do feel.a bit stuck in the situation at the moment. It makes it harder as these kinds of.things only happen occasionally, its not like we are.always arguing.

It's clear, from your 8 year old copying him, that your relationship is already having an adverse affect on the children.

It's not happening occasionally, the comments from your H to you must be more often as your children are picking up on his attitude and copying him.

You may be a SAHM, but you need to take a serious look at this relationship. You need to counteract his behaviour in order to model respect for other people to your DC.

Or LTB, as I did. Ex and I didn't argue much, no need as he steamrolled over me all the time anyway. But it was still an abusive relationship.

I think of it wasn't for the children I would be having serious thoughts about this marriage, but its hard as a SAHM with children and do feel.a bit stuck in the situation at the moment. It makes it harder as these kinds of.things only happen occasionally, its not like we are.always arguing

He has you where he wants - trapped with children, financially and second guessing.

There are some bonkers replies on here. Sitting down as a family to risk assess a walk?!

What a control freak! I wouldn't be able to tolerate that.

Nobody gets to dictate to me when and where I can use the toilet. I'd almost certainly have simply told him that I was going to use the toilet and tried not to engage further.

Him turning the car around because of it though would have been a red flag I could not have got past. That's far too OTT and controlling. If he didn't get help to stop that malarkey he'd be history.

Yep, my DH is the same. And he's not controlling, he's just super paranoid about Covid. We've had similar arguments, and in fact don't go for long walks at all, only in range of the house so we can get back.

@Horizons83 Ok you are taking short walks, but if they had something longer planned and she needed/wanted certain facilities as she had her period, that is her right as a human who should have basic dignity and comfort. Assuming you both were doing something other than short walks so you were in OP's situation, I assume your husband wouldn't get funny (wherever you are in life really) about something you have to do because of your period?

If he would, as men know nothing about what it entails really and should let us do what we need in any event when it comes to our bodily functions, you should consider your position, as OP should.

If a man does that, they are demeaning and controlling, whether that is their motive or not. They shouldn't be doing it.

So keep your mask on & wash hands well. You're fine! He's being ridiculous, sulky and very controlling. I suggest if you have any money at all he seeks counselling for his health anxiety. It's bad when its ruining your day like this.

[quote Doyoumindfisithere]@Veterinari

You keep making things up - when you say The point is that your assertion that toilets are a significant source of infection is patently false I never said that. I never used the phrase 'significant source of infection'.

I said they were an area of concern. They were and are an area of concern. Unlike, for example, being outside.

You don't seem to read the words other people use, just make things up and then falsely claim it is scaremongering.[/quote]
@Doyoumindfisithere

You said
'a particular area of concern' as it is often the only indoor bit of a day trip out/visit to venue and thought that is where a significant number caught it'

You can argue the semantics all you like.

The truth is that there is no evidence that a significant number of people have caught coronavirus from using public toilets.

Your opinion is not fact.
Your opinion is quite clearly scaremongering bollocks.

I just think it is pretty likely there will be some transmission in public toilets.

Why though @Doyoumindfisithere? How close are you going to get to anyone else in a public toilet? If you're worried about surfaces, surely you would wash your hands properly after using the toilet CoVID or no CoVID. You could even sanitise your hands again when you get outside.

If my DH didn’t want to go for long walks because he didn’t want to use public toilets then that would be up to him, but if he tried to stop me doing it that would not be okay. Especially if he was influencing the children to think they had a say in my bodily functions. I’d be fucking furious at that!