Argument with husband over using public.toilets

[Mother40]

My husband has been very cautious during the pandemic (I have been cautious but I think he has been over the top). I do avoid using public toilets unless necessary, and would often go behind a busy on a walk rather than use them right now. However, it is my.period right now, so would obviously not want to go behind a bush. In the car I mentioned I might have to use the public toilets. My husband said I should.have.said this before.we.went, and should not be going a walk if I had to use the toilets. This turned into a huge argument and we ended up.only doing half the walk. I feel really angry that he would.cause a big argument over something so silly. I'm sure most people would.use public toilets right now if they had to but he is making me.feel like I'm totally In the wrong and like with most argument we.have will not back down.

@Rainbowsandstorms you seem to have missed part of the opening of that article:

may spread infection, such as coronavirus

It's very much well yeah could do, best to be aware and on the safe side.

But you do let him dictate if "He turned round and as we were in the same.car there was no persuading him to.stop (something he has done in.the past)."
So he turned his back on your and stormed off in a huff?
Then you have to run after him like a child trying to catch up with her angry Dad otherwise he'd drive off without her?
This needs addressing.

YANBU and if you have to do something because of your period, he shouldn't deny you that basic dignity or argue about it. You can't help it if you need to do something. It's humiliating and controlling.

You don't have to tell him every detail about how you intend to deal with your period or whatever unless you for some reason want to (a lot of women wouldn't.)

I didn't back down and only do half the walk. He turned round and as we were in the same.car there was no persuading him to.stop (something he has done in the past).

This is controlling.

Bristol university then goes on to say there’s no clear link but they support the study.

I guess if you were unlucky enough to be on the toilet directly after someone who had covid but hadn’t flushed, and you breathed in the droplets as you flushed, then there’s a MINISCULE chance (as presumably there is with other bacteria and viruses too) but really, worrying about that is no way to go on living your life.

Walk yourself. Why are you peeing in the bushes? That’s hardly sanitary either

But you do let him dictate if "He turned round and as we were in the same.car there was no persuading him to.stop (something he has done in.the past)." So he turned his back on your and stormed off in a huff? Then you have to run after him like a child trying to catch up with her angry Dad otherwise he'd drive off without her? This needs addressing.

@sadie9 This isn't 'letting' him dictate, he left her with no alternative and she didn't know he was going to do it. I don't know how rural the area was, but if it was quite rural there'dve been nothing she could do. Less rural and she could've made sure she had a taxi fare with her if possible, in case her husband drove off without her in a strop. But who does that, with their husband?

He rarely/never apologises for anything? Why do you put up with this? Why are you with him? He is a pos! You should DEMAND an apology from him and DON'T LET GO UNTIL YOU GET IT! He needs to be put in his place, and you need to tell him his attitude is unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable and you will not stand for it, and you will go to the public toilets when on a walk, and if he doesn't like it, you will go for a walk on your own.

Also, I don't think squatting in the bush is very hygienic, even if it's just a male peeing, so he's a bit of a hypocrite.

And, he needs therapy for some serious obsessive hygiene issues AND controlling issues.

I wouldn't put up with his misogynist and controlling behaviour for a minute longer. You either take a stand now, or you never do.

@SmidgenofaPigeon Hospital toilets on a ward for instance have been shown to be very contagious if people have it. Not just from surface contamination, but if someone has covid their bowel movement creates an aerosol of it.

But there's a lul in Corona right now, so it's less of a worry.

@Mother40 How many women do you think are weeing behind a bush when they could use a loo? He is controlling you and depriving you of your human dignity. If you want to do it then fair enough I guess, but most people aren't feeling they have to do that on most walks.

I was pregnant during much of the pandemic and when retail was open previously, I happily used public toilets. Prior to that I was limited to how far my swollen legs and small bladder could take me. My partner never tried to control that- and I was carrying his child. Yours is being unreasonable.

Might sound crazy, but I wouldn't use a public toilet at the moment either. I plan my walks locally so I can come home when I need to.

@me4real I honestly thought people were starting to develop critical thinking skills and not be terrified covid is going to leap out onto their faces and infect them and every turn, but then I read some of the posts on a thread like this and I think, oh dear, maybe not.

If it helps-
Ive been travelling to work via tube/bus every day since the start of the pandemic, as a nanny for two school children.
I’ve been in shops, hairdressers, pubs, restaurants, on a plane, in a cinema, in a hospital, in a billion other places depending on what was allowed at the time, and I’ve never caught covid.

And if I had, I’d assume it was from sustained contact with an infected person, not from having to flush someone’s piss down the loo.

Honestly. We are all going to have to get back out there you know, you need to find a way to do that without worrying covid might leap up from the u- bend and shake your hand.

Public toilets are thought to be a route of transmission purely because of the virus being carried in faeces so when it is flushed there is a risk of areosolisation. However, I would think as long as the toilets are ventilated etc the risk is tiny and If you need to use them then you need to use them. He’s worrying a bit much.

@dementedpixie

Does he really think you'd catch covid in the toilets? They are not a hotbed of infection!

Communal toilets are a particular area of concern wrt the virus.

However, whilst I would not use a public toilet if avoidable, his reaction is a) very extreme and b) controlling.

Who takes a big lungful off toilet-flush with the lid open and leaves a public toilet without washing their hands anyway?

It’s very much a COULD be a risk (tiny if any) risk of transmission when if you deliberately breathed in the droplets as you flushed.

I went into my office on Friday for the first time all month - most of the time I am wfh. As I left for the day, there's a bloke opposite my office door, pissing into a corner. Just an ordinary bloke, not drunk, not obviously homeless. He was a bit sheepish when I said "OH FOR GODSAKE" on seeing him, but I've no doubt he will do it again.

Your DH doesn't really understand your needs as he - like most other men out there - is used to pissing where and when he wants, no public toilets needed. So he can feck off and you can make your own decisions.

Honestly. We are all going to have to get back out there you know, you need to find a way to do that without worrying covid might leap up from the u- bend and shake your hand.

@SmidgenofaPigeon I'm not personally going overboard, I'm just saying I can see why someone might do that particular thing, playing devil's advocate. What I said is accurate.

I've tried to mostly stick to the rules to stop people dying, and also because I care for someone who is CEV. But I'm very much looking forward to restrictions lifting and will have absolutely no problems going to pubs or whatever again- can't wait.

"Covid is spread when you flush a loo? What? confusedhmm

Unfortunately yes here’s a link to a reputable news source www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-53047819"

That reputable news source gives NO examples of anyone catching coronavirus from a flushing toilet. It's hypothetical. Flushing toilets with no lid disperses tiny bits of poo all over the room as well, but life goes on.

@me4real fair enough. Some definitely do go totally overboard though and I struggle to see how they’ll live their lives without anxiety ever again.

Your DH is being ridiculous.
If you wear a mask and wash your hands properly, then the risk is minimal as far as I know. With that attitude he better lock himself in an isolated cleanroom until the pandemic is over .

But this seems to be part of a bigger issue.
He is a huge fucking twat over trying to forbid an adult woman to use the toilet when she needs to. Last time I checked, that is controlling and a huge red flag. If my DH tried this with me I would read him the riot act and make sure he would never try to treat me like that again or there would be consequences. This really isn’t normal and actually very abusive. Is he this controlling about other things in your life as well?

"Who takes a big lungful off toilet-flush with the lid open "

Public toilets often don't have lids, but, yes, this is not a big risk.

I need the toilet all the time when I go out so this level of drama over using toilets would be untenable for me. I have to go, I have to go urgently, and I hate Covid-19 which means most are shut. My husband would be irrelevant in this situation. I would think he had gone mad if he started to tell me I couldn't use a public toilet.

"Communal toilets are a particular area of concern wrt the virus."

Evidence that it's a 'hotbed of transmission'?

OP why do you keep using full stops in the middle of sentences?

He's being ridiculous and worryingly controlling op.

As an aside I'm very jealous that you have public toilets available! All the ones in my area have been closed for a year now.

I would normally prefer to go behind a bush right now and don't think its unhygeinic in the countryside, but if necessary to use a toilet, as it is now, am prepared to take that tiny risk. We do have children, who were there whilst we were having this discussion/arguament. I do worry what effect these kinds.of things will have on them, especially when my 8 year old copies him by.saying "yes mummy you shouldn't be.using public toilets"! God knows why my husband thinks its ok at school. I think of it wasn't for the children I would be having serious thoughts about this marriage, but its hard as a SAHM with children and do feel.a bit stuck in the situation at the moment. It makes it harder as these kinds of.things only happen occasionally, its not like we are.always arguing.