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AIBU?

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Original poster

Argument with husband over using public.toilets

233 replies

Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:00

My husband has been very cautious during the pandemic (I have been cautious but I think he has been over the top). I do avoid using public toilets unless necessary, and would often go behind a busy on a walk rather than use them right now. However, it is my.period right now, so would obviously not want to go behind a bush. In the car I mentioned I might have to use the public toilets. My husband said I should.have.said this before.we.went, and should not be going a walk if I had to use the toilets. This turned into a huge argument and we ended up.only doing half the walk. I feel really angry that he would.cause a big argument over something so silly. I'm sure most people would.use public toilets right now if they had to but he is making me.feel like I'm totally In the wrong and like with most argument we.have will not back down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:22

I'm normally happy to pee behind a bush as we go walks in the countryside (and would prefer to fight now) where often no toilets, but obviously would not.go on a.walk like that if was time of the month!

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 28/03/2021 12:23

When he walked off I would have just shouted that I was finishing my walk... If he had gone when I got back I'd take a taxi home .. Far more risky than using a toilet...
... And I'd do it...

BeakyWinder · 28/03/2021 12:33

It never crossed my mind that when I see normal looking couples on walks, one of them might be desperate for the loo but not allowed to use a toilet. That is absolutely baffling to me, and I dread to think how you got to a point that you accept this.

Chewbecca · 28/03/2021 12:33

How long are your walks?

Original poster
Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:37

He said it wasn't that he wouldn't let me use the toilet.but I should.have told him that's what I intended to do.before we went as he would not have gone. I didn't tell.him as I did not expect him to react like that! According to him, it is me keeping something from him as I would know he would not want me to use the toilet.

OP posts:
Worriedaboutitall · 28/03/2021 12:38

@Mother40

He said it wasn't that he wouldn't let me use the toilet.but I should.have told him that's what I intended to do.before we went as he would not have gone. I didn't tell.him as I did not expect him to react like that! According to him, it is me keeping something from him as I would know he would not want me to use the toilet.
Can you see how insane this is? Confused
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/03/2021 12:38

"My husband said I should.have.said this before.we.went, and should not be going a walk if I had to use the toilets."

Is he like this in other aspects of your life?

Original poster
Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:38

Our walks are normally several hours (8+ miles) so quite likely will need the toilet at some point!

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 28/03/2021 12:39

Oh my god I could not be doing with this level of a) drama and b) control.

Original poster
Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:43

He can be moody.and arguamentative but I don't usually let him dictate! He does.always.think he's in the right and rarely.apologies for anything which has really.annoyed me over the years.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 28/03/2021 12:45

I should.have told him that's what I intended to do.before we went as he would not have gone.

That makes no sense. He was happy for you to go on the walk and use the toilets alone but not if he was waiting outside? Surely if you caught something from the loos you would bring it home with you anyway, so it makes no difference if you use them when he is on the walk with you or not. Confused Or did he more realistically think if you told him and he said he wasn’t going in that case then you would also say you wouldn’t go or wouldn’t use them? Because, that’s controlling and manipulative, knowing you wouldn’t want to piss him off and him be in a huff with you so you change your behaviour to keep the peace.

I have not stopped using public loos when out regardless of Covid. I just wash my hands thoroughly, limit touching of surfaces and use anti bac gel when I leave.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/03/2021 12:46

@Mother40

He said it wasn't that he wouldn't let me use the toilet.but I should.have told him that's what I intended to do.before we went as he would not have gone. I didn't tell.him as I did not expect him to react like that! According to him, it is me keeping something from him as I would know he would not want me to use the toilet.
This doesn't make any sense OP. What difference does it make if he is there or not?
Tessateacup · 28/03/2021 12:47

Ugh! Control freakery and belittling. Unless the toilet's v busy, i doubt there'd be much risk. He's being extremely unreasonable. Maybe he should go out on a long walk by himself?

Aalvarino · 28/03/2021 12:48

He is coming up with post hoc explanations for his totally unreasonable behaviour. I bet he isn't moody and argumentative with work colleagues

BeakyWinder · 28/03/2021 12:48

Righto Hmm he must be amazing in bed to put up with this drama.

Original poster
Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:49

I told him I went for a walk with my mum in the week I had used the toilet then. He was not happy about that either and said he didn't know I was using them, so it doesn't make any difference if he was there or not!

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 28/03/2021 12:49

What does he think medical staff, teachers, retail workers do every single day? And everybody else who continues to work a full day/ night out of the home? They have to use shared/ public toilet facilities. They can’t go before they leave and hold it! They have to use shared/ public toilet facilities. With good hand hygiene the risk is negligible.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/03/2021 12:50

@Mother40

I told him I went for a walk with my mum in the week I had used the toilet then. He was not happy about that either and said he didn't know I was using them, so it doesn't make any difference if he was there or not!
Exactly. Which is why turning the car around was about control.
Original poster
Mother40 · 28/03/2021 12:52

I don't know how to get through this when he won't back down and is still convinced he.is.right, and i'm definitely not going to back down. Will be a great Easter holiday.

OP posts:
Sansaplans · 28/03/2021 12:53

What in earth, if you need the toilet then you need the toilet. I know some people are 'grossed out' about public toilets in general, but to not let you use one is so controlling and weird. I have a weak bladder and often on long car journeys (well, pre covid as haven't been on one in a year!) I need to stop to use the services or whatever. I know it irks DH a bit as it would me probably if it was the other way around- but he is never cruel about it and always stops. If he didn't I would not think very much of him at all to be honest, it's a normal bodily function and they are there for use. Assuming you aren't licking the seat or not washing your hands (could sanitise after touching the handle to get out if being extra careful as well), he needs to learn to deal with his anxiety around it and not use it as a way of controlling.

whatswithtodaytoday · 28/03/2021 12:54

The problem with public toilets is that the virus spreads in the air, and they tend to be a small, enclosed space. Dryers blow the air around more, and a open flushing toilet will throw virus particles up into the air. So yes, they are a risk.

However, I think it's a very low risk, especially as rates are low at the moment. Personally I've tried to only use toilets with an open door to outside for better airflow (National Trust ones are good for this) but when you've got to go you've got to go.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2021 12:54

Use of an open public toilet is a human right. Your DH is totally unreasonable and it's verging on abusive.

"I everyone just going to ignore the peeing behind a bush thing? That’s one of the strangest things I’ve heard confused"

Have you never been on a country walk? That's what everyone has to do when out walking in the countryside.
I would personally never choose a bush if a public toilet is open and available, but then I'm not going to live my life being constantly terrified of Covid - following the rules is enough.

Pyewackect · 28/03/2021 12:55

Didn't realize puplic toilets were open. The very few anywhere near where I live are boarded-up. The same went for Styarbucks the other day. Their toilets were locked.

Fallsballs · 28/03/2021 12:56

No one should be controlling where you piss OP.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/03/2021 12:58

"So yes, they are a risk."

Stats for this?
If you look at any stats of where the virus is transmitted, public toilets don't come into it. It's transmitted by sharing the same air as contaminated people for a sustained period of time eg. at home, school, work.

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