To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@Runway

And missing out on 50% of time - I think that applies to most men of most families I know where they work late and get home after bedtime for most of the week. Are they ‘cruel’ as well..

This is one of the most sexist comments I’ve ever read on Mumsnet

@Chickenriceandpeas interesting that you rate your daughters’ education (and sport?!?!) over emotional well-being. I think adults are happiest in life when emotionally stable rather than highly educated. Plus you can get good education at private schools that are non boarding too. Not sure why boarding would make it better?

How is it sexist?

Most (over 50%) of the families I know have at least one parents in a pretty high flying job where it absolutely the norm for them to be working late for several nights a week and therefore home after bedtime.

They don’t see their children for at least half the week, every week.

It’s not sexist, it’s fact. It would apply to my family as well, where it not for home working meaning that DH is around a lot more.
When offices go back, he will be back to leaving at 6:15am and being back sometime around 7pm on a normal day
That doesn’t make him cruel

I would have loved it. From age 13 due to family dynamics and no one having much time for me, I'd have been better off.. I asked but flat no.

It's only the fact that it was my own stupid idea in the first place that means it hasn't particularly affected my otherwise good relationship with my parents too much

You were a child. It was not your idea that you had to stick with even though you hated it. I’m sorry 💐

@GappyValley

In many cases men (or women!) don’t choose to work late, but must do so to pay the mortgage and keep food on the table etc.

That’s very different to choosing to see your child every few weeks, and instead let them be raised by teachers and staff, when there are other options.

@GappyValley because plenty of mums work too and not all men are absent parents??????? Mind boggles

Boarded for 5 years and hated it. Pretty much from the second day I was there.

Bullying was rife, the housemasters didn’t have a clue and it was very much a suck it up, buttercup, establishment. There were two matrons in the boarding house, neither of them remotely maternal or particularly interested in anything but having the quietest day possible. The whole place was like a badly written sequel to Lord of the Flies.

What it taught me was that privacy isn’t a right, that your property (if not nailed down) was fair game for anyone, that lying to teachers was the expected behaviour and that shit (or at least shitty behaviour) rolls downhill.

It made me very stand offish with my parents too.

Also I’m in a pretty high flying job as is my child’s dad. In this day and age it’s manageable to do a role and be there for your children too. And if it’s not, don’t do the fucking job.’

Why would they want to do that?

I was at a day school that had a very few boarders. I thought it looked great and it took me about a year to persuade my parents, who weren't keen. I started at 9.

Then I went to a mostly boarding school at 13 that had a few day pupils and was there until 18

I did move out of home immediately at 18 though but as I said earlier I've always been close to my family regardless. Never really given it a thought until now that I haven't lived at home since I was 9 though

Extra what? I just don’t get it. Is the ‘it’ more important than spending your childhood with your family?

So would you ban children from taking up swimming or ballet or gymnastics or any other sport that requires daily training for hours at a time?

Because that is the ‘it’ that eats into family time.

As a child, I wasn’t spending time as a family. I was being driven to training, and training, and being driven home, and sleeping and eating and planning my competition schedule

We didn’t sit around as a family doing jigsaws and chatting!

By going to boarding school, my training schedule stayed the same but I had a 5 min walk to training instead of a 30 min drive.

No I didn’t make it as a world class athlete in my sport but I loved it and would have been far less happy being told at 13 that I had to give it up and stay living at home, than being offered the option to go to boarding school and keep it up

YABU

It's not inherently cruel and depends on so many different factors.

The school itself, the personality of the child, the reasons why boarding is the best option.

I've no stake in the game (I didn't board nor did my children or any other family member).

However I know some people who did and they have incredibly positive memories of that time in their lives.

For children of forces personnel boarding can be vital in providing educational and social stability as opposed to moving schools/new friends every couple of years.

Specialist boarding can be a game changer (for both parents and children) when SEN's are a factor.

They can enable gifted children from economically challenged backgrounds to attend a school (with bursaries) and gain an education they could not otherwise have revived and thus flourish.

Of course it's not for everyone (the cost for most people is prohibitive) but I don't buy into this myth for a minute that it's cruel or the sign of lazy/selfish parenting.

I would have loved to go to boarding school. I was a lonely child.
Surely it depends on individual circumstances, and has both pros and cons for the pupils.

I went to boarding school, I wouldn't send my children in a million years. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it, and frankly I'd have got a better education in the local state school. I understand why my parents sent me - they lived abroad till I was 11 and didn't really have a chance to research the alternatives, plus they were going to move house anyway so I guess they thought it would give more stability. Therefore I didn't feel abandoned because of that, though I did because they were pretty useless when it came to taking me out and attending events at school - so from that point of view I would certainly have been better off in a day school.

Lots board because they need or want a specialist education - such as those on the government music and dance scheme. These are all boarding schools.

@Runway

Also I’m in a pretty high flying job as is my child’s dad. In this day and age it’s manageable to do a role and be there for your children too. And if it’s not, don’t do the fucking job.’

That’s great for you both. For people with careers in law, financial services, consulting and medicine and a whole lot of other industries, it’s a lot less easy to just bail out at 6pm, and it’s also quite inconvenient to just ‘not do the job’ because that tends to lead to being sacked

I simply cannot get past a parent choosing to let staff parent their child more than they do, and not seeing them for weeks at a time. It doesn’t matter what great facilities the school has, or what a jolly time they have there, I just couldn’t sleep at night knowing my child was so far away from me.

Love the idea that if you don't think boarding school is the best, that you're jealous. Not jealous at all, personally. Even if i was a millionaire i wouldn't send my children to live apart from their family.

What's the point in having children if you're going to outsource them for a huge part of their childhood.

My DH often tells me he wants both dd to go to secondary boarding school.

His job pays 90% of the fees. I've told him no. Eldest starts year 7 in September so luckily it's too late.

@Runway because her emotional needs are already met, in so far as we are a loving, happy family and she is a lovely, well adjusted girl. She comes home every 3 weeks and knows I would be there like a shot if she called & needed me (she doesn’t - she rarely calls as she’s too busy having fun) She is really happy doing her sport/school without the hassle of spending up to 2 hours a day travelling to and from school/training, and she’s getting to hang out with her friends every night. It’s not a case of putting eduction/sport ABOVE her emotional needs - both can be met equally, and at 13, I don’t think she needs to be with us every single evening (& neither does she!) She’s really happy, and I’m happy with our/her decision for her to go there.

@daisypond

Lots board because they need or want a specialist education - such as those on the government music and dance scheme. These are all boarding schools.

There’s no obligation to board, obviously your parents would need to live nearby though

Agee OP.

My Dad was a boarder from 7 and it really messed him up- he's very closed emotionally and doesn't have a good handle on his emotions.

So this is another one of those threads where an OP says ‘I can’t comprehend a view or approach other than my own therefore views or approaches other than my own shouldn’t exist’.

Smashing. We haven’t had enough of those recently.

I’ve only got a couple of friends who boarded. And neither of them would say that they hated it, though they definitely remember the homesickness. But from the outside you can see it. They really struggle to form attachments, their parenting is all over the place. Either too controlling over ridiculous things or else letting the kids make too many important decisions. They hadn’t had the experience of daily life as teens with parents setting boundaries so they don’t know how to do it.

Only parenting your child during holidays is nothing like being with them for school and homework and friendship dramas and all the other stuff that happens. It’s like being a Disneyland dad and just leaving all the hard stuff for someone else to do.

A family friend did the gap year program where she lived in the boarding house with the youngest boys. When they were sick in the night or having trouble at school and they would cry and cry she said it just broke her heart that it was a random 18 year old comforting them and not their mum or dad. I do think that is cruel.

I can see that people think they are giving the child the best education, I just don’t see those kids turning out any better or happier than kids who live at home. The opposite in fact.

My dad went to boarding school from the age of 6. It screwed him up for sure. He's an emotionally fragile wreck to this day, to be honest.

At University every person I met that went to boarding school was heavily into drugs and deeply strange/insecure. Those I knew well said they had hated boarding school.

I don't see how sending kids to boarding school can be anything but cruel. There's no way they can have attached relationships with parents. OK - it's better than some situations - but that's setting the bar very low.

@PaterPower

Boarded for 5 years and hated it. Pretty much from the second day I was there.

Bullying was rife, the housemasters didn’t have a clue and it was very much a suck it up, buttercup, establishment. There were two matrons in the boarding house, neither of them remotely maternal or particularly interested in anything but having the quietest day possible. The whole place was like a badly written sequel to Lord of the Flies.

What it taught me was that privacy isn’t a right, that your property (if not nailed down) was fair game for anyone, that lying to teachers was the expected behaviour and that shit (or at least shitty behaviour) rolls downhill.

It made me very stand offish with my parents too.

Sounds like my shitty high school and home life, to be honest.

My nearest boarding school (I'm friends with one of the teachers) ended up with a significant number of overseas students stranded over Covid. The staff put everything they could into supporting those unintentional summer residents.

@Runway

It's only the fact that it was my own stupid idea in the first place that means it hasn't particularly affected my otherwise good relationship with my parents too much

You were a child. It was not your idea that you had to stick with even though you hated it. I’m sorry 💐

Thank you. Sad that even kind words about it can still make me cry.

Maybe one day that time will lose it's hold over me, but even then it will never erase the impact it's had on my life since I escaped school.