To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@XelaM my husband is a colour sergeant in the marines. He can take full pension in 3 years. That will take him to 22 years service. I was given the option of sending the kids to boarding school. Moving ever 5 years or staying put and seeing him 2 weekends a month.

@Runway also, in answer to your question as to why board instead of day private, it’s the type of school that specialises in her sport & there aren’t any local schools which do it.

[quote Chickenriceandpeas]@Runway because her emotional needs are already met, in so far as we are a loving, happy family and she is a lovely, well adjusted girl. She comes home every 3 weeks and knows I would be there like a shot if she called & needed me (she doesn’t - she rarely calls as she’s too busy having fun) She is really happy doing her sport/school without the hassle of spending up to 2 hours a day travelling to and from school/training, and she’s getting to hang out with her friends every night. It’s not a case of putting eduction/sport ABOVE her emotional needs - both can be met equally, and at 13, I don’t think she needs to be with us every single evening (& neither does she!) She’s really happy, and I’m happy with our/her decision for her to go there.[/quote]
Not being with you every evening is not the same as only coming home every three weeks! I think spending 19 days out of 21 away from home is way too much for a 13 year old. As for never calling, you seem to take pride in saying how little she sees/contacts you is obviously a sign she’s enjoying herself do you not see an issue in a 13 year old having such sporadic contact with their family?

Sparechange

Honestly? Nope I would not allow a child so young to have such a grueling training schedule and would discourage any hobby that demanded it.

I went to boarding school and it suited me ok at the time. But that misses the point. Even if a child loves it there is still an impact on emotional development and at the age that I went (11) it is a brutal breaking of attachments, even worse for younger children. The personality develops to adapt to the environment and to cope with the loss of parental figures and often people become emotionally cut off, unwilling to acknowledge or communicate about distress and have relationship difficulties as adults. I think I'm ok, after shedloads of therapy. And I am not saying it isn't ok for some people. But psychologically it can be really really damaging.

It depends on the school and the parents. I can think of one girl, friend of my son, who went to boarding school for two years. She was a weekly boarder and came home most weekends. She had a wonderful time there and made friends with people whom she would not have ordinarily met. Her parents fretted about it more than her but they chose the school because of its good reputation in teaching dyslexic children. She went on to get an English degree and works in the literary world.

Other kids too who seemed to enjoy and get on OK. My husband's cousins on one side all boarded because dad was an army officer and posted abroad in various places. They were fine, liked it and had a very close relationship with their parents.

I couldn't imagine mine going to a boarding school but he had no special educational needs and we didn't travel the world for work so the need did not arise. I liked having him around anyway.

The important thing is that children are happy. If they are happy at their school, fine; if not, take them away from the school and find another one.

I too boarded for two years but it was a nightmare, dreadful place. Enough said about that.

Sending a child who doesn't want to go vs sending a child who really does and has strong reasons to (e.g. sport, academics) are very different things indeed. I wouldn't personally send a child under 10 but after that, if there was a reason for them to go and they wanted to go then I'd let them if I could afford it!

I know two people who went to boarding school. Their parents are both from the UK & moved to a very small country where the schooling options after the age of about 11 were not especially good. So their choices were to send their children to another country for school & get an excellent education or send them to (quite frankly) terrible schools & get a less than good education. Moving to another country wasn't an option for a lot of reasons so the kids went to school in the UK. Neither of them have any problems stemming from that or deep seated resentment towards their parents. The parents made what they felt was the best decision to give their kids the best chance to get a really good education & it's paid off wonderfully. So I'd never say boarding school was inherently cruel, there will always be children who don't thrive there and then it WOULD be cruel. But equally there are children who will love it.

I think this is a bit of a loaded question, but the idea of sending my daughter away for an extended period is unthinkable to me (though she is only 4 now).

Recently she misunderstood something I said and thought I meant that she would have to live somewhere away from me. Her eyes filled with utter terror. Perhaps her feelings will change as she gets older, but I can't imagine this happening anytime soon

I miss my kids when they're at school 9-3. I just can't imagine it.

@MinnieMous3 nope, not really - she’s really happy. I genuinely have no concerns at all - she’s home for huge amounts of time as they have long holidays, and like I’ve said before, we spent so much time driving about every evening and at her training that it’s not that much different!
She asked to go, really loves it, and is a very independent person. I was the same at her age (didn’t board but could have/would have if I’d had the chance) - not everyone feels the need to speak to their mum daily, even at 13. Different strokes for different folks & all that. I can’t understand why everyone assumes everyone thinks the same as them?! It’s definitely not for every child, but it’s perfect for ours & we’re really happy with that decision.

[quote Chickenriceandpeas]@MinnieMous3 nope, not really - she’s really happy. I genuinely have no concerns at all - she’s home for huge amounts of time as they have long holidays, and like I’ve said before, we spent so much time driving about every evening and at her training that it’s not that much different!
She asked to go, really loves it, and is a very independent person. I was the same at her age (didn’t board but could have/would have if I’d had the chance) - not everyone feels the need to speak to their mum daily, even at 13. Different strokes for different folks & all that. I can’t understand why everyone assumes everyone thinks the same as them?! It’s definitely not for every child, but it’s perfect for ours & we’re really happy with that decision.[/quote]
I guess I just assumed that as a parent you want to spend as much time as possible with your child 🤷🏼‍♀️ Really not much more to it than that. I don’t think sports etc should take priority over a proper family life, childhood is simply too short & I want to savour every moment.

Chickenriceandpeas

I think most people on the thread are more talking about situations like in the documentary someone linked to up thread, where you had an 8 year old girl who was simply miserable, crying daily and just wanted to go home.

People think its cruel to send a young child (not a teen) who doesn't want to be there.

@littleloopylou

I think this is a bit of a loaded question, but the idea of sending my daughter away for an extended period is unthinkable to me (though she is only 4 now).

Recently she misunderstood something I said and thought I meant that she would have to live somewhere away from me. Her eyes filled with utter terror. Perhaps her feelings will change as she gets older, but I can't imagine this happening anytime soon

I’m trying to push out of my mind the idea of 4 year olds having to spend their first night somewhere where they don’t know anyone and don’t have any real concept of when they’re going home. It breaks my heart.

Given the sheer number of shitty family setups described on here and in real life I actually suspect a lot of kids are better off at boarding school.

I’m pregnant with my first and we plan on 1-2 more and we already know our children will go to boarding school. OH is an officer in the army and we move every 2-3 years.

Of course we would rather tuck our children into bed every night. But is it fair to inflict a school change every few years and take them away from their friends because we’d miss them if they weren’t with us? I’d see that as actually being very selfish on our part as parents. Better that the child has stability even if that is away from home.

@buckingmad why do you have to move

@buckingmad

I’m pregnant with my first and we plan on 1-2 more and we already know our children will go to boarding school. OH is an officer in the army and we move every 2-3 years.

Of course we would rather tuck our children into bed every night. But is it fair to inflict a school change every few years and take them away from their friends because we’d miss them if they weren’t with us? I’d see that as actually being very selfish on our part as parents. Better that the child has stability even if that is away from home.

Why doesn’t your husband get a regular job? Why does the man’s career always come before a proper family life? Otherwise couldn’t you stay in one place with the children, and he could visit you? There’s always a choice, I don’t understand this ‘I have no choice but to send my child away’.

“Boarding school syndrome” is a condition treated by therapists.

I couldn't send my DC. My FIL had long term issues from being at boarding school from a young age, he couldn't even talk about the experience.
But I recognize that for some DC under some circumstances it works and is right for that family.

@GappyValley
Obviously it's true that in families where one or both parents work long hours and / or commute, they are not spending all of their time together. But the hours when the child is actively in class don't count as they cannot be family time unless you home educate. Even if you only see your child for an hour or two each day due to work/commute, you are seeing them and interacting with them daily, compared to not seeing them at all for weeks at a time. Also, in most families at least one parent is home after school, even if not until 6 pm there are still several hours of time to be spent together.

I accept that there are times when boarding school is best or the least worst, but I genuinely can't imagine being willing to not see and hug my kids every day. Even if we don't always spend 'quality time' together we interact every day and I am involved in their life, their extra-curricular activities etc. I do wonder if people who are perfectly happy for their child to live so separately from them really have as close a relationship with their child. (And yes I don't literally mean every single day, they go on residential trips etc and I miss them like crazy when they do).

But is it fair to inflict a school change every few years and take them away from their friends because we’d miss them if they weren’t with us? I’d see that as actually being very selfish on our part as parents. Better that the child has stability even if that is away from home.

You could home educate your children ...

True stability is about emotional stability which comes from attachment to carers/parent figures - not friends.

I know a lot of people who went to boarding school. A few of them hated it and openly admit it ruined their relationships with their parents and has affected them for life.

But the majority all state it was amazing, they had a great time, they have a fantastic relationship with their parents, it was a wonderful opportunity etc.

Yet each and every one of them is fucked up and lack the self awareness to realise it! They may be successful, confident and well educated, but they all lack empathy and struggle to form normal relationships.

Yes. Boarding school is a lottery. Some children cope, most don't.I am left with issues am and now in my 50s

I guess I just assumed that as a parent you want to spend as much time as possible with your child 🤷🏼‍♀️ Really not much more to it than that. I don’t think sports etc should take priority over a proper family life, childhood is simply too short & I want to savour every moment

That is the most passive aggressive comment I’ve read!

Do you say the same thing to divorced parents? Seeing a child every other weekend is a much lower % of time than boarding.

Parents who send their kids to day schools with a long commute. Are they not ‘savouring’ their children enough?

It’s fine to say it wouldn’t work for you. I very much doubt my DC will board either, but why be so belligerent towards everyone explaining how and why it works for them?
You’re not automatically a better parent because you can’t bare to be apart from your DC