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Original poster

To think boarding school is cruel?

1000 replies

MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:33

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

OP posts:
Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:53

@Houdinismum

I don’t have an outdated image in my head. I had a look round some boarding schools when my parents were deciding where to send me. I was always going to be a day girl but they gave me a tour of the boarding facilities as well. They were very homely. I’m not criticising the schools themselves, I’m sure they do the best they can, it’s more the parents being happy to send their kids away for 80% of their childhood.

OP posts:
Lochmorlich · 27/03/2021 21:55

I was a day girl at boarding school. Would have loved to be a boarder.
From discussing boarding with friends it seems to suit girls better than boys.
Two of my friend's have dp's who both hated boarding.
Its like a lot of things, it depends on the dc.

Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:55

@notanothertakeaway

Interesting. ...most MN threads are quite anti boarding school. This time, it seems more positive

My parents both went to boarding school. Mum loved it. Dad didn't. Horses for courses, perhaps, but there is a school of thought that some children who go to boarding school have similar attachment issues to children who grow up in care

Weirdly my last thread (before it got deleted) was much more against boarding, by something like 85%. Even though I started this one ten minutes later it’s getting different replies!
OP posts:
GappyValley · 27/03/2021 21:56

[quote MinnieMous3]@Houdinismum

I don’t have an outdated image in my head. I had a look round some boarding schools when my parents were deciding where to send me. I was always going to be a day girl but they gave me a tour of the boarding facilities as well. They were very homely. I’m not criticising the schools themselves, I’m sure they do the best they can, it’s more the parents being happy to send their kids away for 80% of their childhood.[/quote]
It’s not 80% of a childhood though

That sort of exaggeration shows you’re clearly trying to misrepresent it and get hysterical about it

At the very least, boarding schools have 1 month off at Christmas and Easter, 2 months off for summer, 3 half terms and a couple of long exeats
So that’s 5 months of holidays, plus weekends at home etc
So it’s around 50% of the year, for part of childhood

Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:57

4 years old Sad that’s so sad. Imagine a 4 year old not having a cuddle front mum or dad before bed.

OP posts:
Chanjer · 27/03/2021 21:57

You're just gonna get this one binned as well

SameToo · 27/03/2021 21:58

My DH went to boarding school. He loved it. But it sure as shit pisses me off when his parents try to give me parenting advice. It’s easy to always be your best with your children when they’re barely ever there Hmm

mildlymiffed · 27/03/2021 21:58

Yup, was keen enough! Parents overseas. Boarding school pretty aspirational and many of their friend's were doing the same with their children. At 11 it was sold to me as being fun, so I went in with a sense of adventure if I recall!

I was an outgoing, self confident child so probably took to it more naturally than some others. It was such a huge shift from my "old" life though. Obviously freedom stripped away (had come from a country where I'd been allowed to live pretty free range), my parents thousands of miles away, as was my family home. However the damage has been quite striking in my adult life. Difficulty in trusting in relationships, and a constant fear of being abandoned...

Now, it may be that I would have these experiences regardless, but there is a lot to be said to having a really secure childhood, surrounded by people who inherently love you, as opposed to those paid to care for you due to their "business model".

Original poster
MinnieMous3 · 27/03/2021 21:58

@GappyValley some stay over the holidays. At least that was the case at my sister’s school (she was a day girl). And 50% is still a huge amount of time to miss out on.

OP posts:
Missdread · 27/03/2021 21:59

Most boarding schools don't allow children to board until Year 3 (7-8 years old) at the earliest. This is very goady imo!

Runway · 27/03/2021 21:59

I know 3 former boarders (men know) and they all have significant issues - addiction and with being able to form relationships.....it’s sad

SameToo · 27/03/2021 21:59

@GappyValley but the children can choose to stay at school rather than go home. My DH generally chose to stay at school.

Runway · 27/03/2021 22:03

I whimsically always thought boarding school sounded a fab idea and wished I’d gone and I could send my own child. Since having children I literally can’t imagine a world in which I’d send them away. And I’m not a child obsessed person.....but why would I not want to be with them? I don’t get it.

GappyValley · 27/03/2021 22:03

[quote MinnieMous3]@GappyValley some stay over the holidays. At least that was the case at my sister’s school (she was a day girl). And 50% is still a huge amount of time to miss out on.[/quote]
I don’t know if a single boarding school that has children staying in the holidays, and I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time researching schools, and discussing schools with friends.

There was the occasional oversees student at my school who stayed for weekends if they didn’t have a local guardian, but they don’t have children hanging around all summer.

There seems to be a lot of hyperbole in your posts, and you’ve had a warning from MN about your last thread on the exact same topic being zapped a few mins ago

Have you got a bit of an axe to grind here, OP?

DarkMatterA2Z · 27/03/2021 22:04

Depends on the child. I think most children would probably prefer to be at home with their parents if possible. But all children are different. There are some children who are very secure in themselves and throw themselves into life with such confidence and spirit of adventure that, actually, they don't suffer all that much from being separated from their parents. I imagine boarding has a lot to offer such children.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 27/03/2021 22:04

I think that if the parents are disengaged enough to want to send children to boarding school because they aren't particularly interested in being parents present all the time or one parent/step parent wants shot of them (which definitely isn't the case all the time, but it does happen), then it's probably better for the child to be boarding school than at home. I know I would have far preferred to the abusive homelife I had (but then again, I used to fantasise about becoming an orphan so I didn't have to live there anymore from the age of about 6).

An ex was sent to one at the age of 7 because his father couldn't be doing with two children at once. He had real issues with women because his Mum chose his father over him.

His sister then pushed for boarding school as a teenager after he'd left and come back (briefly) so she could get away from the fucked up dynamic at home.

In addition, the way starting there was done was horrendous 'come and look at this great place. Looks fun, doesn't it? We've just got to go and talk to the teacher whilst you play for a bit' - the next thing he saw through the window was the car going down the driveway without him. So whilst he hated boarding school, I don't think being at home with a man who clearly didn't want the child he'd brought into the world would have been any healthier for him.

GappyValley · 27/03/2021 22:05

And missing out on 50% of time - I think that applies to most men of most families I know where they work late and get home after bedtime for most of the week

Are they ‘cruel’ as well..?

Chickenriceandpeas · 27/03/2021 22:05

My dd2 goes and it’s been the making of her. She has a far better balance of school & training (she is on a sports scholarship, used to spend every night driving to and from training - we live rurally, training was 30 min drive each way) so she’s far less tired & now gets the best of both worlds. She loves her friends, comes home every 3 weeks, and is thriving.
I couldn’t recommend it more highly but appreciate its not for every child. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve heard it’s changed a lot since the 80s/90s when I was growing up.

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2021 22:05

I think in all but a very few cases it’s done for the convenience of the parents rather than the child.
I went to a school that offered boarding (I was a day pupil) and people were desperate to come home with me at weekends for some “normal” family time. I also have a young relative who comes here as often as possible from her boarding school.
I think it does change the relationship between parents and child, how could it not? And as for children asking to go ? I would be questioning how I got into a situation where my child wanted to not live with me
I would never sent my dc to one

burningfire · 27/03/2021 22:07

I could never do it. Assuming someone is to live a long life, childhood is just a small part of it. I couldn't imagine sending my children away for half of the little time I'd have with them. Each to their own but it's never a decision I'd make.

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2021 22:07

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

DH is in the Army. DDs will shortly start their fourth Primary School. They are Yr3&5. Lots of Military children go to Boarding School for secondary so they don't have to change schools constantly. We've gone for the other option... DH will be weekly commuting. But other people chose to keep the family together by choosing Boarding School. Neither option is perfect. Both our compromises.

And no... Its not easy to just leave the Army. DH can't for another seven years....

If DH was in the army that’s what I would do. I appreciate military people have to move frequently but their spouses don’t
LuaDipa · 27/03/2021 22:07

[quote MinnieMous3]@GappyValley some stay over the holidays. At least that was the case at my sister’s school (she was a day girl). And 50% is still a huge amount of time to miss out on.[/quote]
I don’t particularly like the idea of boarding for young dc, but at my dc’s school (mine are day) kids aren’t usually permitted to stay at school during the holidays. Although allowances have been made this year for international children.

Ggeemerc · 27/03/2021 22:08

Some DC want to go. They're given the choice. So how would you explain that as abandonment?

MrsTreglowan · 27/03/2021 22:09

I went to boarding school from 11-18 but went home at weekends and holidays, I loved it there and think it made me the independent person I've become.

XelaM · 27/03/2021 22:10

Boarding schools are just expensive fancy orphanages

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