To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

I don’t like the idea of boarding school and never in a million years would I send my own children (couldn’t afford it anyway). But I can see that in a few circumstances it could be the best option. E.g if both parents travel a lot for work, forces children, SEND provision etc. I don’t understand why people send them when they have parents at home and a happy, stable, home life though. Surely they can still have a good education coming home in the evening. I would hate to see so little of my children.

I boarded from the age of 12 - parents lived abroad. Got sick of changing schools and making new friends in different countries and fitting into different educational settings albeit private and British curriculum.
My parents were anti for various reasons but I wanted to go. We visited a few and settled on a co-ed, progressive school. No uniform, teachers called by their first names, great facilities.
Boarding school didn't fuck me up at all. Would I send my kids? No because they have the stability of living in one place.

Here's a documentary about Highfield m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6vfjWBT45o&t=307s How anyone can say it's not cruel to board very young kids is beyond me

@Ggeemerc

Some DC want to go. They're given the choice. So how would you explain that as abandonment?

Why would they want to do that?

As a PP has mentioned, a negligent parent, or a parent who won't miss their child being away from home for a significant amount of time, is unlikely to be a good and "present" parent if their child is at day school. And sadly there are plenty of parents who are neglectful 100% of the time, even with their child living in the home.

So the problem isn't boarding schools, it's parents.

(Exceptions obviously. I knew several families who had no other option, such as families working in incredibly dangerous overseas situations, where their child would have been exposed to daily gunfire etc, so was safer for child to be in boarding elsewhere. They would have a base near the school so that when they had time away from their posts, they could live "normal" lives with their children as day boarders for that period. They phoned daily, wrote often, and very much cared for their children).

XelaM

I watched that documentary. It made me cry buckets. My kids are in bed asleep but after watching that I had to sneak in their rooms to just hug each of them. Because I can. Because they live at home with me where they belong.

@XelaM do you actually know this? Have you been to one recently? As per my previous post, it’s been incredible for my DD - she went because it was the best thing for her both educationally & for her sport - at 13 she is old enough to be away from home for 3 weeks at a time, she treats it like a giant sleepover/PGL trip most of the time. Calling it an orphanage is just bollocks.

Depends on the child. One of mine really wanted to go (I think it was the Harry Potter books)! He chose the school and went at 13. I did not go to boarding school but my husband did and was against it. But the boy was really keen and got in to a very good one. He went from being an ok student to a very good one and got excellent grades and made lifelong friends. He came home quite regularly (we were the London base - lots of his friends came with him).
Kids go to boarding school for many reasons, and often because they themselves choose to.

Depends on the circumstances, army families, parents working in undesirable locations might feel that boarding school is a preferred option. Boarding schools offer an excellent education and there is a strong emphasis on the pastoral care side of things.

I moved around a lot as a kid because of my parents' work. I attended 6 different schools in 4 different countries. Would I have preferred to board than move around with my parents? No way! I'm very grateful they kept me with them.

@mildlymiffed "I think the damage for some manifests in people's 30s and 40s so be aware that children who waltz out of boarding school aged 18, all dewy eyed and fresh faced, may have issues later down the line because of the way they've been schooled."

Absolutely this. Not something I would risk for my own children.

Ps I do have every sympathy for military families and others where perhaps it's not really a choice but the sort of "least bad" of a range of options..... but still no.

My mum went herself and despite enjoying it, she didnt send us, it was never ever something she was willing to consider. I'm grateful for that.

[quote Chickenriceandpeas]@XelaM do you actually know this? Have you been to one recently? As per my previous post, it’s been incredible for my DD - she went because it was the best thing for her both educationally & for her sport - at 13 she is old enough to be away from home for 3 weeks at a time, she treats it like a giant sleepover/PGL trip most of the time. Calling it an orphanage is just bollocks.[/quote]
Exactly this!!

Do wives in these "army families" have to move with their husbands? Why can't they stay with the kids? Why can't the kids move with them?

I guess the key thing is whether it's a good fit for your child, and are they totally happy. If no to either then absolutely not. I would never send mine to BS but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for some people.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

XelaM

I watched that documentary. It made me cry buckets. My kids are in bed asleep but after watching that I had to sneak in their rooms to just hug each of them. Because I can. Because they live at home with me where they belong.

But my parents wouldn’t have hugged me after I was asleep if I had been at home.

They had 4 kids in 6 years, they barely got our names right, let alone gave us one on one time.

At boarding school, I was given help with homework every night, I had a matron who we sat and chatted with about spot treatments, periods, boys, hair. It was a happy happy place to be as a teen.
I had more mumsy chats with her in a term than I had in a year with my own mother.

What exactly was I missing by being at boarding school compared to being at home?

It feels like part of this modern cycle we’ve got into where children are treated as projects, to be turned into the most high achieving, employable adult they can be. Then they start a high pressured job, send their kids to boarding school, and the whole cycle starts again.

At the risk of sounding like the black eyes peas - where is the love? Is life just some big exercise in seeing how many achievements you have on paper?

I would trade it all in to make sure I am there if my little one had a nightmare, if they were poorly, if they have worries to share at the end of the day, if they had good news they wanted to share face to face rather than over the phone. Some things are worth more than ‘achievements’.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves why can't he leave for 7 years? He absolutely can ET whenever he wants! No return of service I've ever seen in my military career was longer than 3 years and that was for VERY expensive, very professional training. Is that his pension point do you mean?

I chose to go in year 9 and adored it. Am close with my family and love them, just really felt boarding was the right choice for me. Dbro chose not to and loved his day school. All but one of my boarding friends loved it - none have abandonment issues and all are imo well adjusted normal people. I'd send a DC if they wanted to go and we could afford it but omg I would miss them! I guess my point is it depends very much on the child, the family and the circumstances. You can't know from the outside what is right for that individual child or their siblings and parents.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Me too It's unbelievable what a high price these families are prepared to pay for their beautiful little girls to be away from home and I still cannot understand how they can justify it.

@Chickenriceandpeas I think at 13 a child is probably better equipped to make their own decisions, but boarding for under 10's should be unlawful and is a form of child cruelty

[quote CourchevelCornichon]@Aroundtheworldin80moves why can't he leave for 7 years? He absolutely can ET whenever he wants! No return of service I've ever seen in my military career was longer than 3 years and that was for VERY expensive, very professional training. Is that his pension point do you mean?[/quote]
Pension points. So he can leave...but would lose loads of his pension.

Can't speak from personal experience but a colleague once told me he hadn't lived with his parents since he was seven years old. That's how he saw boarding school.

Made me glad I'd sloped off to the local comprehensive.

You need to be very careful about kids saying they want to board. They are probably getting their ideas from books. I was desperate to go to boarding school as a child. Thankfully it wasn’t close to being an option for me. I know that I almost certainly would have had a very hard time and would almost certainly have never got over it. But as a child, I was clever, articulate and headstrong. Thank goodness we didn’t have any money.

What about if the home life is filled with two parents who should really divorce but instead it's an emotional abuse battle ground?

@Aroundtheworldin80moves Fair enough, my pension wasn't going to be worth much (new scheme) so banged out after 10 years!

But I totally get why military families do send their kids to boarding school, although it's actually quite rare now as the rules are very tight... see this case... www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-dorset-56538334

It's certainly not the case that military family = entitled to boarding school. In fact MOST don't now. I know very few that do.