To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

@sausagerollcake

What about if the home life is filled with two parents who should really divorce but instead it's an emotional abuse battle ground?

Boarding school probably is better than an abusive home life, but it’s a sad yardstick to measure anything by.

My late dh and me both went to boarding school. He hated it and it properly fucked him up (csa is rife in boys schools*, but it's kept quiet in the main. Shortly after starting prep school dh started to hear voices which culminated in schizophrenia and bi-polar then took his own life when he couldn't bear it anymore.

I had a better time at school - my home life was awful so being away from there benefitted me I feel. I've struggled with addiction and poor MH for as long as I can remember though. Less so now.

Theres a really good book about this subject called The Making Of Them. Also one call Hot House Flowers by Royston Lambert. Boarding school does fuck with one's ability to form secure attachments.

*Prep school he attended was closed following accusations of paedophilia against staff.

I went to boarding school. My parents weren't happy with the state day school I was in (to be fair in hindsight it was atrocious) but I didn't want to move and leave my friends. I was really into riding at the time and when I happened to stumble across a school that offered lessons - a boarding school - it was actually me that suggested I go there. I think my parents had misgivings from the start, but they were do desperate to get me out of the bad school (I really think they thought it would ruin my future) that they sent me there.

I hated it right from the off. A miserable place full of miserable kids, and there was nothing like as much opportunity to ride as the I'd expected. After one year (year 8) I came out and went into a private day school near home. No riding lessons, but it was lovely.

Boarding schools do have a place, mostly for children who would otherwise have to move schools every term, but I really, really don't think they're ideal. I don't blame my parents for sending me but we all now agree it was a mistake, and I could imagine it's very damaging to children who are sent there longterm. I wouldn't send my own children.

Of course there are also specialist facilities for children too violent to stay at home, but I'm not talking about those.

@GeidiPrimes

My late dh and me both went to boarding school. He hated it and it properly fucked him up (csa is rife in boys schools*, but it's kept quiet in the main. Shortly after starting prep school dh started to hear voices which culminated in schizophrenia and bi-polar then took his own life when he couldn't bear it anymore.

I had a better time at school - my home life was awful so being away from there benefitted me I feel. I've struggled with addiction and poor MH for as long as I can remember though. Less so now.

Theres a really good book about this subject called The Making Of Them. Also one call Hot House Flowers by Royston Lambert. Boarding school does fuck with one's ability to form secure attachments.

*Prep school he attended was closed following accusations of paedophilia against staff.

Oh my God that’s awful, I am sorry. That’s another reason - you just don’t know how the kids are treated. I acknowledge this will be less of a problem now than it was probably 30 years ago, but still.

Completely agree with mildlymiffed.

I went at 11, filled with Enid Blyton-inspired ideas of what it would be like. I hated it and was relentlessly bullied. I could never confide in my parents because they wanted (probably needed) to think it was all fine. The real damage didn't catch up with me until my children went to secondary school. I would never send a child to boarding school.

I don’t think there are loads of under 10s who go tbf. Certainly at my DD’s school there are less than 10 children in year 6 & under - I agree that below 10 is too young.

I'm really sorry spare change but it saddens me even more that you feel you got more from the school matron than you would have from your mum & dad. Not all families and homes would be like that.

I went to 2 different nurseries, had 2 nannies, 3 primary schools, and 3 secondary schools
Boarding school would have given me a lot more consistency, moving so much is hard

Not always. I used to work in a. Boarding school some had sick parents, some had parents that worked away , some just wanted to go. It gave many students stability and a "family" that they didn't always have

@maddy68

Not always. I used to work in a. Boarding school some had sick parents, some had parents that worked away , some just wanted to go. It gave many students stability and a "family" that they didn't always have

I do acknowledge it is probably better than an abusive or very unstable home life, but that’s not really saying much is it

DP was sent to boarding school aged 11. The circumstances were such that I’m sure it wrecked his family relationships although he made some good and lasting friendships. Interestingly of his close friendship group of four one committed suicide and one has had significant addiction issues. All four boarded at a school that they could have attended as day boys (due to geography) but their parents sent them to board.....

I had a previous relationship with someone who boarded from 11. He had loved it but definitely struggled with adult relationships. His brother had been sent to board from 7 and had cut off his parents in adulthood due to this decision.

I have a good friend who boarded (Army parent) and is an absolutely lovely, well rounded person who is successful in work and home life.

I think, like many things, it depends upon the child. It may be right for some dc in certain circumstances but I think that it’s pretty high stakes in terms of a parenting choice.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I'm really sorry spare change but it saddens me even more that you feel you got more from the school matron than you would have from your mum & dad. Not all families and homes would be like that.

No, of course they aren’t all like that The life I’m making for my DC isn’t.

But it’s ridiculously simplistic to paint this as perfect home life vs evil boarding school.

You only have to have a quick glance at the relationship boards here to see how dysfunctional so many families are.
Being at boarding school can be a lovely happy time for lots of kids where they get the attention and time they need.

My parents probably thought they were great parents which is why they churned out so many kids, but they didn’t give me anything close to the attention I got from school

Ps to be clear I think theres a huge huge difference between teens of 14/15 or so and up, vs younger children.

I think it must make an enormous difference whether the child wants to go, is of an age to make that decision and that they feel that they can return home if they are not happy. I do know a number of adults who have been negatively affected but I don’t think any of them actually had a free choice. It’s not a new thing either for many families it’s traditional to send children (especially sons) to a particular boarding school.
I do think boarding schools are much nicer places these days too so maybe comparing modern boarding and people who went 30 plus years ago isn’t the best comparison. Some of the behaviours accepted in the not too distant past were deplorable

I went from 11 and I always say in response to this question that it depends on why you’re there and what you’ve left behind

I was already separated from my parents as my mother left when I was 6 and my father sent me 100 miles away to live with relatives when I was 9. When Boarding I could feel the palpable difference in peers who had a regular happy family home to go back to.

My sister and I went. We hated it.

And missing out on 50% of time - I think that applies to most men of most families I know where they work late and get home after bedtime for most of the week. Are they ‘cruel’ as well..

This is one of the most sexist comments I’ve ever read on Mumsnet

@Chickenriceandpeas interesting that you rate your daughters’ education (and sport?!?!) over emotional well-being. I think adults are happiest in life when emotionally stable rather than highly educated. Plus you can get good education at private schools that are non boarding too. Not sure why boarding would make it better?

I'd definitely consider sending DS to board (DD bit young to say)

Think he'd thrive and reach his potential more than in mainstream

Sparechange I'm one of four too. I got plenty of attention at home but I understand you that obviously home lives vary hugely.

As someone said upthread, dysfunctional home lives are a poor yardstick to measure against.

I think what people struggle with is seemingly happy, secure families opting for it for young children when their child is hating it and crying every night there. I find that really hard to understand. I also found it difficult watching the documentary linked up thread that basically to help children "settle" isnt really about the child genuinely starting to love it in its own right & stopping being homesick etc but developing rather sad coping strategies to try and handle it - avoiding going home, limiting parental contact, keeping very very busy constantly so you forget you are missing mum& dad.

@grassisjeweled

I'd definitely consider sending DS to board (DD bit young to say)

Think he'd thrive and reach his potential more than in mainstream

Why not private or grammar as a day pupil?

I would have loved to have boarded rather than attending the shitty, rough as arses comp I went to. Emotional well being can be had by boarding. I'd have foregone time with my parents in order to reach my potential.

Definitely a consideration, Minnie. I think DS would be particularly suited to boarding as he's incredibly social and independent. Boarding might give him that bit extra.

According to research girls tend to do much better at boarding school than boys.

I'd of bloody loved to go.

Went to boarding school (mostly my own choice) and initially enjoyed it, but then ended up hating it for various reasons. By that point my parents had got used to not having me around and were reluctant to change anything, so I was stuck with it for years and I still have nightmares about it over 30 years later.

Unless a child really wants to go and you're willing to let them change their mind at any point, then yes - it's an awful thing to do to them. It's only the fact that it was my own stupid idea in the first place that means it hasn't particularly affected my otherwise good relationship with my parents too much.

@grassisjeweled

Definitely a consideration, Minnie. I think DS would be particularly suited to boarding as he's incredibly social and independent. Boarding might give him that bit extra.

Extra what? I just don’t get it. Is the ‘it’ more important than spending your childhood with your family?