To think boarding school is cruel?

[MinnieMous3]

I really can’t understand why anyone would send a child under 16 to boarding school (unless, say, they had such challenging behaviour the family could no longer manage it).

I feel like even if the child enjoys it, it won’t sit right with them in future that their parents were happy to optionally spend so little time with them.

There were also a lot of interesting posts on the previous thread from partners of people who went to boarding school, and how it impacts their lives today.

There's a book written about boarding school called boarding school syndrome explaining some of the difficulties of relationships and communication and intimacy that people who went to boarding school suffer from. I went to boarding school very young, and it definitely impacted my ability to trust and to love, although to the outside world I might have looked confident, happy and successful. Boarding school certainly has its advantages but I think whether you enjoy it or not - and there are fun aspects to being with your mates all the time - being removed from home is a big schism in a child's life and does have an impact on their ability to love, and to trust. People I know who went to boarding school a little later, even at 13, don't have quite the same impact as those who went at, say 7, as I did. I think it's just a hugely sensitive subject as its thought of as being a privilege, parents pay for it as a privilege, and even the children who go might not feel able to explore its impact on them because it can be very painful, and better let buried. Friends of mine have sent their kids to boarding school, even as young as 8, and I wouldn't judge them for it because they were doing their best for them, but I could see the sadness in their children's eyes when they come home for the first time after being sent.

@Missdread

I'll tell you the funniest part of all this. That OP, the perfect parent, has been online for a full 24 HOURS goading on this thread for reasons unknown.... Who has been looking after your DD ?!

Except that the majority of her posts came at nighttime when her child is in bed, and no child needs even the most perfect parent's undivided attention throughout their waking hours. Defensive, much?

@mildlymiffed

Regardless of what people think of the op's wording, I would say that this has actually been a thought provoking thread- with a variety of opinions from ex-boarders, spouses of ex-boarders, parents with children currently boarding and those who have strong opinions for and against boarding.

So even though it has been a bit of a bum fight at times, I for one have really welcomed reading the range and breadth of experiences on here.

I agree

This wasn't about us meddling, this was about ISIS ideology. They hate the Yazaidi people. Educate yourself, you're being disrespectul to the Yazidi people.

The Yazidi Massacre

40,000 or more Yazidis were trapped in the Sinjar Mountains and mostly surrounded by ISIL forces who were firing on them.They were largely without food, water or medical care and facing starvation and dehydration.

On 5 August 2014, Iraqi military helicopters reportedly dropped some food and water for the Yazidis in the mountains. The US began their own supply drops on 7 August and the UK participated 3 days later

Me too and I had no idea how difficult it is for military families.. I still think I'd have liked it as I had no separation problems as a teen, my friends were everything and I remember being away for a month at 14 and it was no problem but.. I was the 4th child so perhaps a bit more independent/used to looking after myself a bit. Who knows. Definitely not for everyone and the crying in the dorms image is heartbreaking.

Individual operations may have been well intentioned but the overall impact of the military has been one of devastation, particularly in the last 30 years.

But you're not answering my question. This thread is coming to an end anyway, so I shall just say I think it's barbaric you'd let women and children die. The Yazidi people are some of the most persecuted in the World.

@CourchevelCornichon

But you're not answering my question. This thread is coming to an end anyway, so I shall just say I think it's barbaric you'd let women and children die. The Yazidi people are some of the most persecuted in the World.

Of course I wouldn’t. You know that.

@MinnieMous3

No, genuine question. Does it mean I’ve asked a controversial question?

No that’s what it means, goady equals wind up.

Why is sharing my opinion winding people up?

@RevolvingPivot

Was the documentary only filmed last year?

It seemed very dated. I'm assumed late 90s early 2000. I know just because it was uploaded last year it doesn't mean it was filmed then.

I was going to say it would be interesting to hear how Amber got on and whether they took her out of the school.

Do any of the army families know anyone that was on it?

It is old, I used to work with one of the mums who sent her son there, one of her sons.

I was an international boarder, parents live abroad. I loved it and it really taught me independence and some really valuable life skills which set me up well for living independently at university and beyond

I found I was more mature and responsible in first year uni than many students who has never lived away from home, prior to starting university

I wanted to go to boarding school and I thrived

Be very careful

My Dh absolutely loved boarding school.

Made him so independent.
He was just about ok in his 30s but 40s and having children showed how much he was affected by BS.
He wanted to send dc as he enjoyed it so much.
I would never inflict that long term damage onto my children.

The independence you talk of becomes like a mental illness. It doesn’t sit well with family life. He had no idea how to look after his children. He just couldn’t relate to them. was constantly telling them as they grew up how at their age what he was expected to do . How at 7/9/11 years old he lived on his own and was expected to change his bedding and look after himself and I did too much for them when I was just being a parent.

Long term I don’t think BS did him any good. His brother it affected him so much more, he hated boarding school. He has a really unhappy life.
I am considering a divorce because of his problems with being independent and for all the high powered 6 figure salary jobs he has had he will end up with nothing.

I find the boading school debate fascinating, i change my mind all the time. Well for 14 years plus not lower. Part of the early years development is around social and emotional learning. And a child not having a parent around and yes paid staff r there but they are not a substitute for a parent. Im not surprised children who went at young age have lot of problems later on in life. What i also find difficult is if ur parents are paying such a huge amount of money to send u to a school surely its not easy on child to explain their true feelings, on the impact on it, so when a child tells their parents they love it, like really do they love it or are they just keeping their parents happy. Also another thing to add , when a poster said theu will send them to board and they hadnt even had the baby yet i find crazy. As a mother u get certain hormones and feelings so noone has no idea what they would do untill that baby is here

I also find the justification on why people have said they send their children quite weak. Ultimately education isnt everything, i do get that if ur only seeing ur child every 3 weeks or so then that time when u do see them becomes more special , but then your not spending the rest of the time giving them that non special time parenting, the teenager working through all the typical teenager stuff. I honestly dont belive their is any justification for sending a child of 7 to board.

I went to boarding school at8
Loved it
But now as a mum myself am aghast at how much of my childhood I missed out on

YANBU OP

I wouldn't describe it as 'cruel', as sometimes families are left with no choice. But I wouldn't have enjoyed boarding and I wouldn't send my children to boarding school either.

Ultimately education isnt everything

The irony of this in the middle of a total typo/spelling mistake/grammar nightmare post is magical

Most of the girls that went to my sister’s very prestigious school do the same sort of jobs as the girls do that went to my state school. I don’t think you can rely on just marrying a rich husband at 23 and being a lady of leisure in the way they used to.

@Sparechange

Ultimately education isnt everything

The irony of this in the middle of a total typo/spelling mistake/grammar nightmare post is magical

Im dyslexic, thats why there was bad grammar and possibly spelling mistakes. So don't really show ur point

I went to a part boarding and part day school. If it was so great why did most of the boarders want to come to my house at weekends. Your children are perhaps not as happy as they seem!

As for ‘education isn’t everything’, of course it isn’t. I do think private schools probably secure the best outcome possible for that particular child, but in the same way all parents think their kids are the most beautiful, they all seem to believe their child is very ‘bright’ as well. Half of kids will be ‘below average’ in intelligence, yet the number of posts on here saying their child is ‘frighteningly bright’ far outweighs people who believe their child is average and has strengths in other areas instead. But I think paying through the nose for a private school is a mistake for a child who probably isn’t overly ambitious by nature, or isn’t so interested in academia. Yes the facilities are brilliant but sports are very hard to make a living from professionally. I think for such children it would be more useful to save the money to help them get on the housing ladder instead.

@MinnieMous3 I don’t think that is quite right, I didn’t go to any sort of private school. I got onto my degree though hard work with very little support from any of the five high schools I attended.

The other people on my degree were for the most part from boarding school, the rest from private schools. A lot of them weren’t particularly naturally smart but had got good grades through a huge amount of support from their schools. They struggled a lot more at uni but got there. Children of the same intelligence levels from my state school didn’t do A Levels.

.

I went to boarding school late 80s/90s and I hated every single second. We lived abroad. I resent my parents deeply and have a fractured relationship with them for outsourcing what should have been their responsibility. It was rife with underage sex, drugs and alcohol and this was a top 30 public school. Smaller children were bullied mercilessly. There was depression, anxiety, self harm and substance abuses. I think they’ve since changed and got lots better but also depends on the child. I have a very attached, sensitive daughter and if I sent her it would destroy her. My youngest is sociable and resilient and would fare better. They’d have to really want to go for me to look at it. I’ve struggled with addiction and depression from the experience now in recovery and life is great but took a very long time.