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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I really need to worry too much about contraception at 39?

294 replies

Estasala · 27/03/2021 02:56

I have a nearly 2 year old and another older DC. NO desire to have any more. Recently stopped breastfeeding so the contraception issue has arisen. For the past 10 years or so DH and I have only used withdrawal as a baby wouldn't have been the end of the world, or we were actively trying. The last DC was hard to come by - a couple of years of trying and a couple of miscarriages in between.

DH is willing to have the snip, but he has some other health issues and I'm just thinking ... really, do we really need to? It feels like doing something permanent to his body when realistically there is very little chance of me getting pregnant and even less as a couple more years go by, if we use withdrawal. I have never got pregnant whilst using withdrawal before now.

OP posts:
Tempusfudgeit · 27/03/2021 11:20

I got pregnant with my first aged 39 on the second month of trying. Then had my second at 40. Then my third at 43!

Original poster
Estasala · 27/03/2021 11:20

@user7593927274859

Plenty of women with fertility struggles in their late 30s would be quite upset reading the title of your thread.
I wouldn't want to upset anyone. I would wish for everyone to have the children they long for. They'll be doing all the things they can to increase their chances, as I was, not taking steps to avoid it, as I am now. So it's a different situation. There are many stories of conception at older ages on here so it certainly can happen.
OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 27/03/2021 11:22

[quote TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet]@CounsellorTroi no I don’t think that, and I would never say that myself. I have a fertility issue, so I know how hard it is waiting time after time.

However, in a healthy population of women with no previous fertility issues, studies show that pre menopausal women do have a surge in fertility and that for healthy women with no fertility issues, the age of 35 isn’t the fertility cliff that has been suggested in the past.

I’m hoping personally that as I age that fertility surge will help me to get and stay pregnant![/quote]
Well I had no known fertility issue. But there must have been something wrong as I never got pregnant. I started ttc at 29. I continued to have periods until I was 50. Anyway I hope you do get pregnant.

Kn1ghtSky · 27/03/2021 11:23

You can potentially get pregnant

If you still have periods

Until 1 or 2 years after your last period, so this could be into your mid 50s

Not 30s
Not 40s
50s

BrownEyedGirl80 · 27/03/2021 11:25

I'm 41 and still scared of getting pregnant I wouldn't risk it if you really don't want another baby.

ClarkeGriffin · 27/03/2021 11:35

@Estasala

https://www.fpv.org.au/for-you/i-dont-want-to-get-pregnant/contraception-without-hormones/withdrawal-method-pulling-out

Correct withdrawal is 96% effective according to this family planning clinic!

Er up to 96% effective. It could be 80%. If you're happy taking the risk, go for it, but as I say don't complain about another baby and don't call it an accident. You know the likelihood, you're just not willing to prevent it.
Original poster
Estasala · 27/03/2021 11:42

It says 96% if used correctly. We're doing it correctly. 80% is for incorrect use.

Interestingly, those figures are better than for the female condom!

OP posts:
Original poster
Estasala · 27/03/2021 11:48

Also when I looked up it said your chances of conceiving each month at 40 are 5%, reducing to almost zero by 44. Presumably that's if you're actually trying.

So if I'm then reducing that small chance by 96% by using withdrawal, I don't think I'm completely mad to think that it is a very small risk.

However, the consequences would be severe, so still some things to discuss with DH!

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 27/03/2021 11:49

My BFF has children aged 39 to 12. The 12 yo was conceived when BFF was 48 and thought she was menopausal. Unless you are happy with another D.C. I wouldn't take chances.

Unanananana · 27/03/2021 11:50

I can't believe some people risk bringing clearly unwanted children into the world like they are disposable. Its sad and insulting to those who struggke with fertility.

Use real (non-hormonal) contraception like condoms or the copper coil if you don't want a baby. Not sure why you even posted? Anecdotes about so many women getting pregnant and you clearly haven't changed your mind about withdrawal 'method'.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 27/03/2021 11:54

@CounsellorTroi ok, it’s not a competition and also it clearly doesn’t apply to you if you have some sort of fertility issue. All fertility issues are unknown until you start trying to get pregnant unless it’s a medical condition you’ve always know about. What I’ve said still stands, it’s been studied.

Twinkie01 · 27/03/2021 11:55

My seven year old is sitting next to me, I'm 46. Of course you need to use something.

VanGoghsDog · 27/03/2021 11:56

I do wonder about those years where you are still young enough to get pregnant but perhaps the age where you don’t want babies anymore, I dont know why but the idea of contraception at 45-50 seems strange shock it’s not something we really talk about is it?

Yes, we do talk about it. No, it's not strange. I'm 52 and I talk about contraception with friends and obviously partners or potential partners.

I guess if you're not yet 45 it might appear strange. Maybe you also think 45 year olds don't have sex?
I'm about to have my coil replaced, it will be my fourth one.

I think the OP should consider her dp having the snip in a year or so, and finding something else in the meantime.

Original poster
Estasala · 27/03/2021 12:03

@Unanananana

I can't believe some people risk bringing clearly unwanted children into the world like they are disposable. Its sad and insulting to those who struggke with fertility.

Use real (non-hormonal) contraception like condoms or the copper coil if you don't want a baby. Not sure why you even posted? Anecdotes about so many women getting pregnant and you clearly haven't changed your mind about withdrawal 'method'.

No method of contraception is 100%, except abstinence. Everyone who has piv sex is taking some risk of bringing a child into the world.

It's really sad and unfair that some people don't get the DC they would love and that others become pregnant when they would rather not be. I understand the pain of that, honestly. My friend had a termination when I was miscarrying.

However I don't see that this is insulting. These things are not casually linked and I'm not judging the choices anyone else makes.

I am very grateful for all the comments and have found them extremely helpful. It's good to look at the statistical facts as well as anecdotes though.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/03/2021 12:10

Condoms? Or he could discuss the snip with doctor. Usually very safe...

AnneElliott · 27/03/2021 12:11

I think as you get older it can a bit more risky. A friend of mine hadn't used contraception in the 29 years she was with her Ladner - and no results. Then pregnant at the age of 45! She was pleased luckily but couldn't understand why it hadn't happened in her 20s and 30s!

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 27/03/2021 13:40

I had my last period at 47, which would explain why my GP told me two years.

HaveringWavering · 27/03/2021 14:46

How is withdrawal actually enjoyable for either of you?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 27/03/2021 14:50

I got pregnant on the very first try at age 30, 36 and 43.
Actually, one of those wasn't really trying as it wasn't even penetrative sex. Sperm travels happily on hands.

So - yes, you need to take contraception seriously and no withdrawal is not a reliable method.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 27/03/2021 14:51

Statistics mean nothing when you are the 4% or 1% or whatever.

Someone has to be that small %.

If you don't want it to be you, make sure it isn't.

CMOTDibbler · 27/03/2021 14:54

My colleagues sister is currently pregnant and is 51. She has a late teenager and had wanted another but it never happened. Until she had a very big surprise when it turned out her menopause wasn't quite what she thought

toconclude · 27/03/2021 15:13

@Estasala
My sister had all her three kids after the age of 39. No intervention of any kind required. Use contraception.

isadorapolly · 27/03/2021 15:48

@VanGoghsDog

I do wonder about those years where you are still young enough to get pregnant but perhaps the age where you don’t want babies anymore, I dont know why but the idea of contraception at 45-50 seems strange shock it’s not something we really talk about is it?

Yes, we do talk about it. No, it's not strange. I'm 52 and I talk about contraception with friends and obviously partners or potential partners.

I guess if you're not yet 45 it might appear strange. Maybe you also think 45 year olds don't have sex?
I'm about to have my coil replaced, it will be my fourth one.

I think the OP should consider her dp having the snip in a year or so, and finding something else in the meantime.

Who is we? You and your mates? Smile

Sorry should have said “strange to me” is that better?

I’m not 45 yet no, In fact ive got another decade to go, I guess just the idea that one day I will be too old to have kids but also young enough to still get pregnant is odd and also bloody annoying! It’s just something I haven’t thought about much.

Walkaround · 27/03/2021 16:25

@Estasala

Also when I looked up it said your chances of conceiving each month at 40 are 5%, reducing to almost zero by 44. Presumably that's if you're actually trying.

So if I'm then reducing that small chance by 96% by using withdrawal, I don't think I'm completely mad to think that it is a very small risk.

However, the consequences would be severe, so still some things to discuss with DH!

Well exactly - the consequences would be severe. 100% of people using the withdrawal method are trying to avoid pregnancy. A 96% success rate for the method is ludicrously optimistic as a figure, as it is likely that close to 0% of people use the method correctly 100% of the time. Accordingly, the 80% success rate over the course of a year is, actually, the average success rate for all people using the method (of all ages), not the average success rate of people who aren’t doing it properly (as if you aren’t using the withdrawal method properly, you’re basically just having unprotected sex...). In addition, it is utterly silly to think you are reducing a 5% chance of pregnancy by 96%, given the fact nobody has a 100% chance of pregnancy, so the 96% “success rate” doesn’t actually mean it stops 96% of pregnancies happening in any event, it actually means 4 in 100 people using the method absolutely perfectly 100% of the time will still end up pregnant after a year (which as already pointed out, is ludicrously optimistic, hence the reality being 20 people in 100 using the method will end up pregnant after a year).
blowinahoolie · 27/03/2021 16:58

DH got the snip without any hesitation when the youngest was born prematurely. I was 34, but after having 4 DC it really wasn't a difficult decision. Neither of us want any more children and it is a relief to know I will never be pregnant again. Even if DH got hit by a bus tomorrow, and I met a new partner there's no way I would want more children and would even book myself in for sterilisation if need be. You just know, you know! DH said he would not want any more children either if he met a new partner. He is 48. Imagine going through sleepless nights at this age!

Unlike many couples though, we made sure to use condoms until he had submitted three samples to outpatients to be given the all clear after the vasectomy. It's a very fast operation, done under LA. Recovery fairly quick if in good health.

Probably best to get something sooner rather than later, OP.