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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:

snugglepuff · 26/03/2021 12:38

Are you shielding because you are pregnant?

GreenSlide · 26/03/2021 12:39

If they have Covid symptoms then YANBU they should have been self isolating! It is scary being pregnant during these times but to be honest there is scarier viral stuff out there even in non covid times - CMV for example, and pregnant women rarely enough know about the risk of that. And that's leaving aside the inherent risks of pregnancy and childbirth. We do need to just go about our business and not spend too much time dwelling on what could be really. Hope your test comes back negative!

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:39

There is a bias toward step parents on mumsnet even if posters won't acknowledge that.
This is nothing to do with you being a step parent. It would be the same if you were their mum talking about contact with their ex.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 26/03/2021 12:40

As a PP pointed out taking them through a drive through is only putting DP at risk, yet if he had the windows down that risk is reduced somewhat.

Which part of it are you not getting? You absolutely should not expect your partner to take the children anywhere when they have covid symptoms. You ALL need to isolate. You're happy enough to send them here, there and everywhere, as long as they're nowhere near you! Nobody else wants to catch covid from their trip to the park or McDonald's, it's not just you you should all be thinking about. Good grief. You'd happily send them out and about just so they're away from you.

whatamess101 · 26/03/2021 12:41

@LH1987

I get where you are coming from OP, you’re vulnerable, pregnant and terrified of COVID. As for prioritising the baby over the other children, you are pregnant, it is your job to prioritise the unborn baby over anything else.

I think some pp are ignoring the fact that this would be a once off don’t come in the house as opposed to them never visiting again.

^ I agree with this. I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on here, I don't think you deserve all the step mum bashing! Look after yourself and good luck with the rest of pregnancy.

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:41

I'm struggling to keep up with the replies and can see there's alot of animosity towards me here so I will bow out now, thank you for your contributions I accept I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 26/03/2021 12:42

I care alot about the children but I'm also allowed to care about my unborn too.

You have to look at it from your DHs point of view though, these are his children and you're asking him to not bring them into their home. If the shoe was on the other foot would you tell your own children they weren't allowed home? You wouldn't. I know I wouldn't

Aimee1987 · 26/03/2021 12:42

I did once ask for DSS not to come when I was pregnant but that was because he had chickenpox which pose an increased risk to pregnant women. Also my DP has never had chicken pox so was at higher risk to get shingles. We disscussednit and decided to miss 1 contact block ( Thursday to Monday for us). DSS understood and had a couple of video calls with dad. Equally when members of his mothers house had covid symptoms he stayed put untill they got the all clear. If they are displaying covid symptoms they should be self isolating untill they get a test. DP and his ex have an agreement that if either house displays symptoms while DSS is in the house he stays put.
For your bog standard stiffly nose I dont think you can keep them away.

DeadHeadedDaisy · 26/03/2021 12:43

I can understand why you're anxious considering the circumstances, but looking after sick children is a part of parenting and I don't think the children should be excluded or have their routine changed because of illness. It's not fair on anyone to do that.

minniemoocher · 26/03/2021 12:46

If they genuinely had covid symptoms your dp should have taken them to a testing place, as their parent he could do so. They are entitled to be at their fathers home even with colds as it is also their home. They should not go to the park with a cold

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 26/03/2021 12:46

@Aimee1987

Also my DP has never had chicken pox so was at higher risk to get shingles.

Your partner isn't at an increased risk of shingles. You have to have had chicken pox to contract shingles. He was at risk from catching chicken pox though, which is extremely unpleasant in adults.

sadie9 · 26/03/2021 12:46

"If they were my children I wouldn't be sending them anywhere with covid symptoms, no."

But 'anywhere' isn't their home. Your house where their Father lives, is their other home. So they aren't 'visting' you. It's important you get that in to your head. If it's their turn to go to their Dad's they go, even if they have the flu or chicken pox or whatever and wanted to go.

You are their Step mother. You are their other mother.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 26/03/2021 12:47

I really think that doing one week a bit differently to protect or lower the risk to their unborn half sibling is something most children would do without a second thought, especially if they have a good relationship with their stepmother.

My nephew doesn't cuddle his baby brother if he has a cold because he doesn't want him to catch it. Kids aren't daft.

Just say, we're going out for McDonald's for a treat. SM is staying here this week though so her and baby don't catch your cold because she has x condition and it could be really bad for the baby if she gets sick.

Unless they're toddlers, they will understand that. Whether or not it feels like a rejection is all in the delivery.

RUOKHon · 26/03/2021 12:48

I’m with you OP. DH’s ex sent DSC to us when I was pregnant and they had the first signs of chickenpox. She just didn’t mention it and so while they were with us we realised that they must have had it and she knew about it. I was furious.

Also, there have been two occasions where DSC had norovirus and she sent them to us anyway - again without mentioning it - and all of us, including the baby caught it.

So selfish and unnecessary. You’re not saying for them to never to come again, but especially in these times and with you being pregnant it makes sense to avoid spreading germs around if it can be avoided.

Given my past experiences I don’t think step-children’s right to be at their NRP’s home trumps the health of the other people who live in it.

minniemoocher · 26/03/2021 12:48

BTW only the cev have been asked to shield, 2 of our DD's are clinically vulnerable and no shielding required despite getting vaccinated weeks ago

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 26/03/2021 12:50

@catinbootsx

The regularity of these threads is so, so depressing.

These poor kids.

Agree. I really feel for all these children. And let’s face it, children are intuitive, they know.

CharlotteRose90 · 26/03/2021 12:51

I get why you are concerned. Having 2 losses and being in the first trimester is scary enough. But you have over 6 months left atleast you can’t ask your DP to see them outside of the house for that time. Shielding in the uk ends April 1st I believe so you will have to mix then anyway. Also children pick up all colds going so it’s unfair to say that every time they get a sniffle they can’t come to the house. Covid is going to be around for atleast another year if not more and when the pubs and restaurants etc open up it’s likely to spread like wildfire again. Take the test and when it comes back negative try and relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 26/03/2021 12:53

@sadie9

"If they were my children I wouldn't be sending them anywhere with covid symptoms, no."

You are their Step mother. You are their other mother.

Yes this 100%. Your home is supposed to be their home too. And being able to be at home with their dad should never have any conditions on it, imagine what a message that send out.

tenlittlecygnets · 26/03/2021 12:53

AFAIK Covid-19 carries no increased risk of miscarriage: see second paragraph: www.gov.uk/government/publications/safety-of-covid-19-vaccines-when-given-in-pregnancy/the-safety-of-covid-19-vaccines-when-given-in-pregnancy

I can understand that you're very worried, given your other losses, but I don't think you need to worry about this. Also, why are you shielding? See www.rcog.org.uk/en/guidelines-research-services/guidelines/coronavirus-pregnancy/covid-19-virus-infection-and-pregnancy/#c19 for more info on Covid risks in pregnancy.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy.

BloodyHellAudrey · 26/03/2021 12:53

OP, With kindness, YABU, but I understand the anxiety.

Can you please link your source for miscarriages being caused by Covid. Or stop making things up.
If OP is in the baby loss community because of her miscarriages then she may have seen several posts from women who have lost babies (at various stages) during /after having covid, I know I have.

LaBellina · 26/03/2021 12:55

Some of the comments here are very harsh.
I remember how vulnerable I felt when I was pregnant (without any history of losses before) so I can completely understand and sympathize that you are being extra careful in your situation. FWIW if your partner spends time with his kids they might pass on something to him if they’re ill irregardless of spending time at your home or at MC Donald’s. I do think if they’re not sure if the children have COVID it is very unreasonable to let them go out of the house but that’s even if you weren’t pregnant.

Relax OP, stress is probably going to do the most harm so try to not to worry too much.
for you

Branleuse · 26/03/2021 12:56

i hope its not covid OP.
as for the kids thing, frustrating, but doesnt seem like you have any choice here except maybe isolate in a seperate part of the house

peboh · 26/03/2021 12:56

So the kids have covid symptoms, and you'd rather your partner take them outside instead of isolating inside with them as per the guidelines? Or do they only now have covid symptoms because for your narrative to work and you not come across as 'that stepmum' a bog standard cold doesn't work.

Spidey66 · 26/03/2021 12:56

If the kids were yours, and the pregnancy was your 3rd, you'd have no option.

Yabu, sorry. Being a parent isn't just for the fun bits.

Aimee1987 · 26/03/2021 12:57

[quote Beseigedbykillersquirrels]@Aimee1987

Also my DP has never had chicken pox so was at higher risk to get shingles.

Your partner isn't at an increased risk of shingles. You have to have had chicken pox to contract shingles. He was at risk from catching chicken pox though, which is extremely unpleasant in adults.[/quote]
Yes but if you get chickenpox when your older it increases your risk of developing shingles. Hence why I said he had a higher risk.
Either way the pregnancy and chickenpox risk was the bigger one as far as we were concerned.

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