To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

@PurpleDaisies

This is part of being with someone who has children from a previous relationship.

Don’t be that stepmother.

Ummm no.

In the same vain we have kept DSS at our house because his Mother was a Covid contact to keep him safe. She kept him when I was self isolating. Works both ways.

Hmm OP, covid symptoms OH? Yet, right there in you opening post, you would have been fine with him taking them to ybd park or Macdonalds?

I'm with you OP. Only on mumsnet does common sense go out the window in order to paint someone as the evil stepmother.
I hope your partners stupidity doesn't cost your health. Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy

@PurpleDaisies

There is a bias toward step parents on mumsnet even if posters won't acknowledge that. This is nothing to do with you being a step parent. It would be the same if you were their mum talking about contact with their ex.

would it fuck.

Isn't the problem here that the kids' symptoms are really on the line for whether they are just colds or should be tested and isolate?

It's a judgement call that every parent has made the past year and no clear correct answer.

But in this case the mum and dad have made it, with the SM out of the loop. And she feels like she might have made a different call, and feels like if they are wrong, it could be putting her pregnancy at risk.

I likely would have made the same call as the mum and dad, I think halting everything for what seem like normal cold symptoms - a runny nose and cough caused by runny nose - is not all that practical. But I totally get why the OP might feel less sure about that.

But 'anywhere' isn't their home. Your house where their Father lives, is their other home. So they aren't 'visting' you. It's important you get that in to your head. If it's their turn to go to their Dad's they go, even if they have the flu or chicken pox or whatever and wanted to go

Utter crap

If these kids turn out to have Covid than DP has been irresponsible with OP and anywhere else he’s taken them. That’s on him.

No wonder it’s spreading if people can’t use some common sense instead of ‘yeah but ...’

@PurpleDaisies

You didn’t say they had covid symptoms before. If that’s true they needed to he isolating so wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere outdoors.

Does everything need to be spelled out? OP did say 'Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.'

It sounds like the Mum here actually gave OP’s OH the heads up so presumably. At that point her OH could have said “do you mind if they stay with you, OP is feeling anxious re Covid”

There’s nothing wrong with that. As I said upthread both households have shuffled contact around because of risks that have transpired in either house.

If my DS has Covid symptoms I won’t send him to Grandparents. He’s had a cold, I kept him home beginning of the week (I’m lucky I shuffled my working week around). I’ve ordered some lateral flow tests, tested him and now he’s with grandparents so I can catch up on work. It’s just courtesy and sensible not to spread bugs if it’s avoidable.

Thanks so much

I did expect such replies sadly.

There is a bias toward step parents on mumsnet even if posters won't acknowledge that.

I care alot about the children but I'm also allowed to care about my unborn too.

I'm not a SM, but I'm continually surprised about the shit they get on MN.

If they had covid symptoms then they shouldn't be going anywhere. Certainly not to mcdonalds or a park! If not covid symptoms then they should go between both homes if they feel well enough to move.

Does everything need to be spelled out? OP did say 'Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.'

In that case, yes-it massively changes the situation. Children just having runny noses, fine. Child with new cough, really not.

I agree with you OP

OP I wouldn’t have bothered coming on to mumsnet for advice, step mums tend to get blasted one here whatever they say (and I’m not a step mum myself) You’re pregnant and you’re worried about your unborn baby being exposed to avoidable risk, perfectly normal and understandable. Out of every one involved in this whole situation the unborn child is the most clinically vulnerable, so it’s a natural instinct to protect your child. I wouldn’t fall out with your partner about this though, try not to get stressed, be glad that he seems to be a decent dad to his children and when the time is right just mention that whilst you’re pregnant and Covid is still rife you’re worried about the risks to the baby of passing stuff on. I would also seek advice from your midwife as to the risks etc and how best to manage them. Don’t listen to some of the dragons on here 😆

Dc due to be with their father should be with their father unless he’s useless. A good caring dad would be perfectly capable of looking after ill dc and shouldn’t priorities new baby over existing dc. If it’s just tea then you could have surely waved from a distance and gone upstairs out of the way for a few hours. Dc get ill all the time. Right now it’s more of a pain with needing to get tested but that’s parenting in 2021 for you. Maybe the mum has plans and keeping ill dc wasn’t convenient when there’s a perfectly good parent able to give them tea/give her a break from ill dc. Don’t be the bitter selfish stepmum.

If they had covid symptoms they should be isolating impending test results so YANBU if that’s the case.

If it’s another bug or a cold then YABU, kids get sick constantly and as a PP rightly said he doesn’t get to cop out of being their Father every time they get sick.

@m0therofdragons

Dc due to be with their father should be with their father unless he’s useless. A good caring dad would be perfectly capable of looking after ill dc and shouldn’t priorities new baby over existing dc. If it’s just tea then you could have surely waved from a distance and gone upstairs out of the way for a few hours. Dc get ill all the time. Right now it’s more of a pain with needing to get tested but that’s parenting in 2021 for you. Maybe the mum has plans and keeping ill dc wasn’t convenient when there’s a perfectly good parent able to give them tea/give her a break from ill dc. Don’t be the bitter selfish stepmum.

yeah, i mean, fuck ops health right? fuck the unborn baby..... who cares about their health.

There is a bias toward step parents on mumsnet even if posters won't acknowledge that.

I actually think it’s more concern over the dc feelings which often seem to be secondary to the step parent.

@Whereso

Thank you for the replies.

I'm unreasonable then.

I'll accept that, but I will say it's not coming from a place of spite but one of worry.

I've had two recent-ish losses and I'm doing all I can to avoid getting sick, especially as there is a link to miscarrying from covid.

I always put the children first but clearly my trepidation about the pregnancy has made me selfish on this occasion.

DP and his ex think it's just a common cold and it's not unusual to get a cough with a cold, that's easy to gloss over when you're not in my position.

They have no idea. If they have a new cough then they are supposed to get a covid test not assume it isn't covid and carry on as normal!

@m0therofdragons

There is a bias toward step parents on mumsnet even if posters won't acknowledge that.

I actually think it’s more concern over the dc feelings which often seem to be secondary to the step parent.

yes, step mums dont have feelings. they just have a black hole where their heart used to be. didnt you know?

@TrustTheGeneGenie when I was pregnant with high risk pregnancy I didn’t make my older dc move out or stay away because that would be cruel. The dc don’t have slapped cheek or measles and op could have stayed in a different room. It’s not about not caring for the baby it’s about balancing the well-being of all involved. If dc were fine to go to McDonald’s then they are fine to be in their fathers house!

@PurpleDaisies

This is part of being with someone who has children from a previous relationship.

Don’t be that stepmother.

100%!

[quote m0therofdragons]@TrustTheGeneGenie when I was pregnant with high risk pregnancy I didn’t make my older dc move out or stay away because that would be cruel. The dc don’t have slapped cheek or measles and op could have stayed in a different room. It’s not about not caring for the baby it’s about balancing the well-being of all involved. If dc were fine to go to McDonald’s then they are fine to be in their fathers house![/quote]
Yes, the difference is those were your actual children. These children are not op's - do you see the difference?

Thing is, if the parents aren’t separated, you have to put up with older DC having bugs when you’re pregnant. You get on with it.

That’s what irks people.

It doesn’t set a good precedent now if only one parent deals with sick kid situations because the SM doesn’t want children’s germs.

Just wanted to say, on the NHS website it states there is NO evidence that covid causes miscarriage or any effects to the development 🤷🤷‍♀️

(However, if they have Covid symptoms, as many PP have said, they should be testing and isolating)