To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

Whether the cough is concerning depends on whether it is new and persistent.

So either:
A) Child has a new, persistent cough (in which case both his parents are failing to follow the most basic civil rules and school have also chosen to ignore a child potentially spreading covid, and you are also suggesting a child with a civil symptoms goes to the park and McDonald's)
B) Child doesn't have a new, persistent cough (in which case you're talking up an occasional cough to try and change the replies here)

Taking them to a drive through McDoandl's isn't risking anyone but dad in the car.
And if it is covid and he catches it then its risk to OP
If any chance of covid should be testing , if school age and coughing School would send home etc

*covid rules

I can see why you're annoyed. They should have had a test before they went anywhere. Your partner is being ridiculous with saying a cough isn't enough for a test. What does he think covid is??

If it had been a small sniffle I would have said that YABU (gently) but one of them has a cough, in this time the parents really ought to know that a cough is a covid symptom and warrants a test/ isolation.

Hmm. So they have covid symptoms but nobody's thought of getting them tested or isolating. You don't want them around you, yet you'd be happy for your husband to spend time in a car with them, take them to McDonald's and to a park, then come home to you? You, your husband, the children and everyone in their other house have to isolate and get tests. Or, as I and many others strongly suspect, you just didn't want the kids to come to yours with a cold. Too many inconsistencies here I'm afraid.

@ancientgran

People are being very judgemental.

Dad can see kids, kids with separated parents can visit both. Doesn't mean they have to go to his house though as they weren't having a sleep over.

Taking them to a drive through McDoandl's isn't risking anyone but dad in the car.

If you were their mum and were feeling a bit off nothing wrong with dad picking up kids and going for a McD's to let you rest.

I've always said I'd never be a stepmother because people always put the boot in. How right was I.

I hope you haven't got covid or anything else they were brewing and that your pregnancy goes well and he should have told you, his ex did the right thing he didn't.

Thank you for this

Yes I can't fault his ex.

She doesn't know about the baby yet as we're not announcing until we're past 12 weeks, yet she let him know in advance what the situation was.

He knows about the baby and how worried I am yet chose to omit that information because, I assume, he couldn't be arsed with me panicking.

@Whereso
If you are not CEV you wouldn’t have been asked to shield ..... clinically vulnerable were NOT asked to shield..... do you have other health conditions which make you extremely clinically vulnerable?

I have been exactly where you are OP, and looking back I was being totally unreasonable. When I was pregnant with my 1st my dh went to collect his kids and one of them had a stomach bug, dh called me to tell me before leaving their house and I kicked up a fuss, DS’s was told he could not come over. To be fair he was quite poorly and I don’t think he wanted to come over anyway, he was sick several more times that day and should have been in bed but me making a fuss possibly made him feel like I was prioritising my unborn child over him and feel bad for that.

I do understand that you are worried about covid etc but when your child arrives you realise that kids always have snotty noses, colds, coughs and upset stomachs, you can’t get away from it, once they start school they will be constantly snotty. You wouldn’t refuse to go near your child because they have a cold so why should your dh not have his kids when they have a cold?

Of course if a child has covid symptoms they should be tested before going anywhere but a snotty nose is not a covid symptom and most kids that have covid are showing no symptoms at all, are you going to stop them coming over just incase they are carrying covid?

You can fault his ex if the child has covid symptoms and not testing
As you now have symptoms your partner also needs to isolate as well until you get your result , and he won't be able to see the kids go to work , so assume he is now home with you

I’m in the minority but I think yanbu as being pregnant and vulnerable as well as having a history of miscarriage I can understand why you wouldn’t want to be near sick kids.

Granted your partner could have passed it on to you but it would be less likely if he’s healthier than you.

Being a parent dosent stop when they are ill, when they misbehave, when it's inconvenient, when you feel ill, when you need a nap, etc etc insert long list. You don't get to pick and choose the times you parent, get used to it.

I don't really understand the animosity towards you on this thread. There seems to be a lot of "evil stepmother" projection going on and I'm not sure why! Is it because everything is supposed to revolve around kids nowadays, and the adults don't matter so much?

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy. X

Well, he sounds a bit shit doesn't he?

Yes you are being very unreasonable

So not true about him catching whatever they have. I have three kids 9, 7 and 15 months. I have only caught something from them rarely. Like literally can count on one hand if that. My husband manages to avoid it as well. So he could have seen them out to avoid you catching it. However; that being said they are his kids so....

And what will you do if you have a second child? Your first will get sick and you can’t avoid it.

But that being said, if my kids were sick I would have kept them home and not let my partner take them out. ESP w covid they should not be going out unless site it’s not Covid. Irresponsible

Would you be happy for his ex to do the same and refuse to have them when they are ill? They are both parents and being a father doesn't mean refusing to do the crappy bits like looking after kids who are unwell.

Granted your partner could have passed it on to you but it would be less likely if he’s healthier than you.

Why? He could pick up the infection mildly and asymptomatically but pass it on. If the kids had covid symptoms, the op shouldn’t have wanted him near them, especially given the new revelation that she is shielding...

I wasn't asked to initially but then the government asked the vulnerable (not just the ECV to shield too)

No they didn't! They changed a FEW of us who had been classified as CV originally to being CEV. letters were sent re shielding etc.

Can you please link your source for miscarriages being caused by Covid. Or stop making things up.

I get where you are coming from OP, you’re vulnerable, pregnant and terrified of COVID. As for prioritising the baby over the other children, you are pregnant, it is your job to prioritise the unborn baby over anything else.

I think some pp are ignoring the fact that this would be a once off don’t come in the house as opposed to them never visiting again.

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

Hmm. So they have covid symptoms but nobody's thought of getting them tested or isolating. You don't want them around you, yet you'd be happy for your husband to spend time in a car with them, take them to McDonald's and to a park, then come home to you? You, your husband, the children and everyone in their other house have to isolate and get tests. Or, as I and many others strongly suspect, you just didn't want the kids to come to yours with a cold. Too many inconsistencies here I'm afraid.

As a PP pointed out taking them through a drive through is only putting DP at risk, yet if he had the windows down that risk is reduced somewhat.

My cousin took her DM to the hospital in her car with her windows down and didn't catch covid.

The above is still considerably less risky to me than bringing them here.

Of course YANBU. But you won’t hear that in this thread. Hope you are OK.

I don't understand - you're happy with your partner still seeing them, even though chances are he'd catch whatever it is and give it to you anyway? I think YABVU, chances of it being covid are infinitesimal, you could have avoided them while there, being pregnant doesn't make you any more vulnerable until late third trimester (and data on that is still very murky), kids get sick all the time...

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

You can fault his ex if the child has covid symptoms and not testing As you now have symptoms your partner also needs to isolate as well until you get your result , and he won't be able to see the kids go to work , so assume he is now home with you

Well she was a damn sight more considerate than he was, don't you think?

She told him what was wrong with them (one has a cough and the other has a runny nose) and he decided that was fine and he still wanted to take them.

I assume she was of the impression he had told me and I had no issue with it either.

I do believe the one with the cough should be tested and I've said that to DP, but I can't force the matter.

As for whether it's a new continuous cough.. it's definitely a new cough, continuous or not would be up for debate but from my experience of being in her company she definitely had several bouts of coughing over the 4 hours she was here.

What you going to do with your child when they are ill ?

@Alcemeg

I don't really understand the animosity towards you on this thread. There seems to be a lot of "evil stepmother" projection going on and I'm not sure why! Is it because everything is supposed to revolve around kids nowadays, and the adults don't matter so much?

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy. X

Thanks so much

I did expect such replies sadly.

There is a bias toward step parents on mumsnet even if posters won't acknowledge that.

I care alot about the children but I'm also allowed to care about my unborn too.