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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:18

@Viviennemary

If they were your own children you would have no choice. If you feel like this you shouldn't have married a man with children. If you are very worried ask for them to be tested for Covid.

One needs testing because apparently they have symptoms.

PurpleMustang · 26/03/2021 12:18

How old are the kids, most kids are being tested twice a week. If you are going to like this I suggest you get hold of some of the quick tests if the kids are not being tested at school

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:18

@Convallaria

When you say you are vulnerable, do you mean you are shielding?

You say you have a temp, but what symptoms did the kids have? If they were just cold symptoms and not covid symptoms it makes a difference.

Wanting to gripe about catching a cold from your stepkids is one thing, but you are going to get some fairly unsympathetic replies on here, especially as It isn’t clear how your scenario lines up with the covid rules.

FWIW if my kids get ill I keep them at my home to avoid transmitting it to their other parent. But I didn’t do this for colds pre-covid, just d&v etc. My kids are teens and understand about symptoms, the age of the kids is also a factor.

I am shielding yes, as of last month.

I wasn't asked to initially but then the government asked the vulnerable (not just the ECV to shield too)

The kids - one has a cough (no temp) and the other has a runny nose (no temp)

My partner is of the opinion that it couldn't possibly be covid as neither has a temperature

I do have a temperature.

I'll take the replies on the chin anyway, I'm obviously unreasonable.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:18

@PurpleMustang

How old are the kids, most kids are being tested twice a week. If you are going to like this I suggest you get hold of some of the quick tests if the kids are not being tested at school

Those are not for children with symptoms.

Children with symptoms need to go for a PCR test.

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:19

The kids - one has a cough (no temp) and the other has a runny nose (no temp)

So the child with a cough needs a test.

FFS.

Convallaria · 26/03/2021 12:19

Hmm just see your comment about getting a test.
‘I will be doing it just to rule it out’
No you won’t. You will be doing it because you are symptomatic and anyone who has symptom should be isolating and getting a test. Including the kid with the cough.

So YANBU. One kid with a cough should mean that that household stays home and isolates, and misses seeing their other parent.

I can’t believe you needed to ask. Surely one year in, people understand the rules about symptoms and isolating.

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:20

That child with the cough could be infecting their entire class bubble.

I really hope these mysterious covid symptoms have just appeared as an attempt to gain sympathy and it isn’t actually true.

LisaStansfield · 26/03/2021 12:22

I did vote yabu op, but I can see where you're coming from, I think we're all on edge now, and you have more reason than most to not be thinking entirely rationally. I hope people go a bit easy on you now, I hope this baby sticks around and that your household is fit and well again soon

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/03/2021 12:22

You never said in your original post they had covid symptoms just that they were poorly

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 26/03/2021 12:23

If they had covid symptoms they should stay put until they’ve had a test.

D&V I’d expect them to stay put.

Firth disease, measles, I’d expect them to stay away from you.

Normal childhood sniffles and bugs are all part of the parcel and you can’t keep them away.

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:23

I've ordered a home test.

I can't force DP to have them tested but I've suggested he does, he thinks I'm being ridiculous because they don't have a temperature and are otherwise well.

One having a cough isn't concerning enough apparently.

OP posts:

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/03/2021 12:23

Also if they had covid symptoms he shouldn't be taking them to a park or macdonalds or picking them up full stop

mindutopia · 26/03/2021 12:23

If they had COVID symptoms, yes, they should have been self isolating and had a test before seeing anyone outside their household. But if they had a cold, no, he did the right thing. I'm sorry about your losses, and I've had a loss too, but it wouldn't have stopped me being around people with a cold during my pregnancy as you can't hide away from the world, even in a pandemic.

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:24

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

You never said in your original post they had covid symptoms just that they were poorly

I wrote and deleted twice before posting as I just knew I would get a ton of shitty replies.

OP posts:

Bbee29 · 26/03/2021 12:24

I’m probably in the minority but I have DS with my ex and I do not send him there when he’s poorly even before covid. Just so his dad, his partner and their kids don’t get it. I would expect my ex to do the same. If one of his younger kids were ill I wouldn’t want DS going. I only say this as DS doesn’t get ill that often but when he does get ill, he really does!

Bbee29 · 26/03/2021 12:24

Plus if was anything like covid they should have been isolating.

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:24

@PurpleDaisies

That child with the cough could be infecting their entire class bubble.

I really hope these mysterious covid symptoms have just appeared as an attempt to gain sympathy and it isn’t actually true.

Unfortunately not.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:24

Haven’t the children’s school noticed coughing and sent them home?

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:25

@LisaStansfield

Thank you very much x

OP posts:

ancientgran · 26/03/2021 12:25

People are being very judgemental.

Dad can see kids, kids with separated parents can visit both. Doesn't mean they have to go to his house though as they weren't having a sleep over.

Taking them to a drive through McDoandl's isn't risking anyone but dad in the car.

If you were their mum and were feeling a bit off nothing wrong with dad picking up kids and going for a McD's to let you rest.

I've always said I'd never be a stepmother because people always put the boot in. How right was I.

I hope you haven't got covid or anything else they were brewing and that your pregnancy goes well and he should have told you, his ex did the right thing he didn't.

Keeva2017 · 26/03/2021 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Whereso · 26/03/2021 12:26

@PurpleDaisies

Haven’t the children’s school noticed coughing and sent them home?

Not as far as I'm aware.

She was certainly coughing when she was here.

OP posts:

Psychonabike · 26/03/2021 12:27

Feel for you @Whereso. You are being raced ahead into something lots of us will get used to more gradually.

When you and your partner have your 1st child together -we all take every care in the world, worry about parvo and every other illness other people's children might bring along.

Then your second pregnancy comes along and you wouldn't dare upset precious 1st born by keeping your distance -you accept the reality of family life and just hope they don't pick up something at nursery.

You might go on to a third where you can't even notice being pregnant because the whole situation is actually pretty uncontrollable.

You are being raced ahead in this timeline, because child 1 and 2 already exist. I'm afraid that if you try to stand your ground and behave like this is child 1 for your family unit, rather than getting your head around being further down that road in practical terms, you will create a division between your child and your step-children that has a lasting impact for everyone in the situation.

PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 12:27

@Keeva2017

You are being ridiculous. The children have colds and the world doesn’t revolve around you. If this was your child with a cold you’d be totally different.

For the record I have no step parent/blended family experiences to bias me. You just come across as pretty awful.

They apparently have covid symptoms. They should be testing and isolating until the results are back.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/03/2021 12:27

I can appreciate how anxious you are if you have already had two miscarriages. I think some of the responses are a little unfair, everyone is anxious with their first child doubly so if there have been problems in the past.

There are lots of colds and sniffles around now the kids have gone back to school. Unless they are teens, it's unlikely to be Covid but if you have picked it up you, along with every other parent in the country with a sniffle will be tested. This happened in September too. You will have to get used to it I'm afraid. His ex sounds quite sensible and if she's flagging up a light cold she will be unlikely to be sending them over with a vomiting bug or a high temp.
You do need to work through with your partner as to what you two are going to do for the rest of the pregnancy. There will be other bugs, that's life

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