Teacher asked my daughter if she needs a butler because she is doing the 11 plus

[Scubadivinginabox]

We live in an area where there is no 11 plus and thinking of moving to a more rural location near family. Because it's the grammar system there we signed my daughter up for some online classes to work towards the 11 plus. If she gets in great. If not, we'll move there anyway and she can go to the local comp.
No-one where we live has any concept of what the 11 plus involves or the amount of prep work. We haven't told many people that she's doing it because we don't know if she's going to pass and everyone asking how she did is not going to make her feel better if she doesn't get in.
We told my daughter's teacher in confidence at a phone call parents evening. Since then he has mentioned it to the class several times (I overheard on zoom a couple of times) and today he asked my daughter if she needed a butler because she was getting private tuition. WTF?
He is known for his edgy smart alec comments but I feel this time he's just gone too far. Surely as her teacher he should be supporting one of his pupils who is working hard? AIBU?

Follow up re the teacher.

But people are private enough about their tuition in London let alone trying to help some low income families in on the 11 plus way!

Thats the kind of remark I might have expected my (working class) parents to come out with in the 1950s. They had no appreciation of the role of education in a young person being able to improve their prospects. It is unforgivable in a modern day teacher and I would definitely report it to the head teacher.

JiveDive: So, yes, I understand that teacher.
.......
You are surely not saying he was right to make such remarks?

What an odd comment for a teacher to say, I think when kids are in secondary school the conversations between pupil and teacher can maybe have a more jokey tone so if this type of thing was said it could be replied to in a cheeky manner. However to a 10/11 year old it seems far more condescending/mean.

Over the past few months I've really had my eyes opened about the 11+ exam after reading posts on MN. So many people hire tutors , the children do extra classes, there are learning guides etc available to buy. It all seems so pressured nowadays (that makes me sound really old , I'm 39!)

I honestly think it is best to keep things like private tuition strictly private; other people don't need to know what you and your children do. It's not unusual anyway, at all stages of education, not just 11+. If it helps, go for it as long as child is happy to do it and doesn't feel overly pressurised.

Some schools organise extra lessons after school. I remember my school implementing Saturday morning school during the term before 11+ - I was unimpressed with that as I enjoyed my weekends. My parents made me go and, boy, was I disgruntled. Oh the joys!

Son had no 'extras' but we were pretty good at giving him encouragement, discussing things and helping him where necessary - (when he felt like it). His entire class passed 11+.

once = misplaced banter. repeatedly = complain to the head. I'd say he's got a chip on his shoulder or thinks he's funny (or both) but it's too far for a teacher.

Even my kids had a tutor and we are poor. At their primary half the class did it was normal to have one. Why is the teacher trying to make her feel bad for having a tutor. Its like he's making out she thinks she is above everyone else. Quite nasty of him.

That is horrendous. He should be squashed, and promptly. What a dreadful, 'know your place' culture your DD is learning in. Well done for trying to get her out of it.

@Daphnise

You are going to have to develop a thicker skin if she fails the exam...

Only because the teacher has made it public.

YANBU for not liking how the teacher has behaved, but YABU for saying the 11+ is such hard work. If it is, maybe they shouldn't be taking it.

What sort of insecure, shitty teacher behaves that way? He is a dick. Tell him to stop.

It's a good idea to get hold of some past papers for 11+.

A couple or more years ago there was a programme on TV about grammar schools and what was required for entry; it showed many families who paid for tuition, at great expense. Some of the kids felt pressurised because their parents gave up so much to help them. Very few passed the exam.

I have to say the primary school teachers were not impressive.

I decided I'd have a go at doing the 11+ again, just as an experiment. I found papers on the internet and timed myself. Not exactly 'exam conditions' but I was on my own, it was quiet (and I didn't cheat). It was difficult to think myself back in to a 10 year old's head, style of writing, vocabulary and experiences are so different when you are a child, but I tried.

The hardest bit was the non verbal reasoning. I ran out of time there so didn't quite complete that section but managed to scrape through it. The rest of it was fine, I enjoyed doing it.

Hee hee, it probably sounds like a silly thing to have done but the TV programme was so interesting and really drew me in. If I'd still had a child of the age to be preparing for the exam it would have been extremely useful so I definitely recommend it. It's good to know what they are up against and the areas in which they need practice.

Interviews practice is also important.

YANBU it's humiliation. Definitely report it. Plus you told him that in confidence.

YANBU for not liking how the teacher has behaved, but YABU for saying the 11+ is such hard work. If it is, maybe they shouldn't be taking it.

@rosiejaune Is encouraging ambition bad? I'm sure if OP thought her daughter was not capable of passing it she would not be entering her for it. Or, it's 'just' a thing I suppose. Whether the girl feels pressured by it might depend partly on how the parents approach it. Most of us go to comps, so if she ends up going to the comp it's no big deal. If she gets into the grammar it's just a bonus.

Having said that, my parents made me do the MENSA test at 9 or something. I had to go to the test in person in a different town that I didn't know at all. I didn't pass it and it was disappointing/obvious my parents were disappointed. They read out the results to their friends in front of me (it was a good result, just not good enough.) I don't think they should have made a thing of it like they did. They didn't need to announce the fail in the way they did. They probably were still somewhat proud of my result though.

I would contact him & tell him to stop his smart comments & try supporting his student. Tell the head if you feel so inclined. And to sidetrack a little, fine to keep it on downlow if your daughter doesn't want people asking but if the idea of secrecy & not telling in case she fails is coming from you then you may be instilling the notion in her mind that trying of itself is not good enough & only success is worthy of acknowledgement & praise.

You should get her one. It might help. You'll kick yourself if you don't and she doesn't get in and a butler might have made all the difference. Plus you will get your newspapers ironed.

I would speak to the head if this was said.
My lad goes to a grammar that is very popular and over-subscribed every year. He got in by sitting two aptitude tests - both of which he ended up in the top 10% in
I was a single parent at the time and we were living in a damp and private rented with his younger brother. Money still tight really but we do OK.
Definitely didn't have a butler. Some weeks in the early days I went without much food so I could sort the kids.
Three years on he remains in the top 30 achieving in his year group of hundreds so he's not doing too badly. He works very hard so he has to take the credit here, love him.
I still feel sometimes there is a bit of surprise when staff from the school email dear Mrs X and I inform them I'm Miss Y. And more than happy to be so!!

@Scubadivinginabox The teacher sounds jealous and threatened. Some of them ARE if the children are in danger of knowing more than them, and being smarter than them.

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness

You should get her one. It might help. You'll kick yourself if you don't and she doesn't get in and a butler might have made all the difference. Plus you will get your newspapers ironed.

He could be made to dress up as a butler and serve cocktails at the op's all women party as a penance for his nasty sarcasm.

rosiejaune, it isn't about the 11+ being too hard as such, it's more that children are not nowadays taught certain techniques/skills which are necessary for that exam. Here are some examples:

www.how2become.com/blog/11-plus-non-verbal-reasoning-the-ultimate-guide/

www.elevenplusexams.co.uk/assets/189/CGP11+VerbalReasoningSampleTest.pdf

I, and I'm sure you, routinely did such things in primary. It was quite enjoyable and good exercise for the brain/mind to work things out accurately as quickly as possible; however regular practice is essential. Imagine how difficult it would be if you had never done anything like that before. I can envisage blind panic.

Please complain to the head in the strongest terms and put a stop to that, at once. That’s bullying. I had similar situations at school with teachers mocking me in front of the class, and of course, everyone felt free to join in. It was very damaging to my self confidence for years.

I came on here to say yabu. I had teachers at school who would joke and banter with us all and assumed it was that kind of thing. In the context you describe, and knowing he was told in confidence, yanbu and it's most definitely unacceptable.

He sounds vile. Maybe he failed his 11+ and has a chip on his shoulder about it?
Definitely complain. Even if your daughter has taken in all in her stride, I'm sure the school would want to know.

Why aren’t you taking it to the head. They need to know what a bully and unprofessional man he is.

I honestly think it is best to keep things like private tuition strictly private; other people don't need to know what you and your children do GCSE Maths teacher asked for a show of hands on how many kids were receiving private Maths tuition - about two thirds according to dd!