Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher asked my daughter if she needs a butler because she is doing the 11 plus

203 replies

Scubadivinginabox · 25/03/2021 20:05

We live in an area where there is no 11 plus and thinking of moving to a more rural location near family. Because it's the grammar system there we signed my daughter up for some online classes to work towards the 11 plus. If she gets in great. If not, we'll move there anyway and she can go to the local comp.
No-one where we live has any concept of what the 11 plus involves or the amount of prep work. We haven't told many people that she's doing it because we don't know if she's going to pass and everyone asking how she did is not going to make her feel better if she doesn't get in.
We told my daughter's teacher in confidence at a phone call parents evening. Since then he has mentioned it to the class several times (I overheard on zoom a couple of times) and today he asked my daughter if she needed a butler because she was getting private tuition. WTF?
He is known for his edgy smart alec comments but I feel this time he's just gone too far. Surely as her teacher he should be supporting one of his pupils who is working hard? AIBU?

OP posts:
ChristinaXYZ · 25/03/2021 21:03

Seriously. Complain. He has no right to belittle your child and no right to repeat what was told him at parents' eve. Remember schools are data controllers too these days. He is way out of line. Have a chat with the head and point out that if any other child/parent/teacher finds out you've complained you'll put in formal complaint about the handling of your child's personal data and escalate to the information commissioner if necessary. Ask who is in charge of data and how to contact them so the head knows you mean business.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 25/03/2021 21:03

If I heard that shit over Teams I would be unmuting and commenting myself. Twat.

Tinty · 25/03/2021 21:04

If she needs online lessons and tutoring perhaps a grammar school is not for her.

After all maybe all the 'bright WC kids' parents can't compete with that financially.

Always one, isn’t there Hmm

I would complain to the headmaster, as others have said, he is bullying your Dd.

In certain areas almost all dc have tutoring.

Whether your Dd passes the 11 plus or not she will benefit from the tutoring. So ignore the nasty comments on here. Wink

Anydreamwilldo12 · 25/03/2021 21:04

What a twat. Definitely take it further.

Nanny0gg · 25/03/2021 21:04

@OwlBeThere

Did he know it was some kind of secret? You don’t mention if your daughter is upset by his comment? I think it was probably just a joke. If your daughter is likely to be so upset if she doesn’t pass and is upset at it being brought up I think you are being really unfair to put her through it tbh.
Failing an exam which you are notified about at home, so doesn't need to be broadcast is very different from having the piss taken out of you in front of your classmates

Very unprofessional

Strangekindofwoman · 25/03/2021 21:10

It's unbelievable really.

Original poster
Scubadivinginabox · 25/03/2021 21:10

Thanks so much for all your comments and support. This 11 plus thing is difficult enough without his 'funny' comments. I won't involve the head just yet but see what he says.
I think maybe he does have a chip on his shoulder or thinks it's a private school she's going to. We're not paying for the tuition, her granddad is. We can't afford it. Or a butler's wages come to that.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 25/03/2021 21:13

With a twit like that as a teacher a potential Mensa member would need tutoring.

Completely unacceptable. I'd write formally to the head. I would also require an apology from the teacher and some tutoring from one of the school's better teachers for injury to feelings. I think too I would expect the HT to arrangecwith the LA for some bullying and harassment training sessions to be rolled out to the big, mature, grown up men on the staff.

And if none of that happened I'd write to the Chair of Governors.

And if that doesn't work I'd let the excuse for a man know you'll send your butler round to polish his a'hole

Lalliella · 25/03/2021 21:14

That’s awful. He breached confidentiality and he’s a bully. Definitely complain.

Nightbear · 25/03/2021 21:15

‘I think maybe he does have a chip on his shoulder’

It sounds like it.

maddiemookins16mum · 25/03/2021 21:16

@MrsBertBibby

He needs to go meet some 11+ kids from Kent, or even better, Medway.

They are truly not posh.

What a twat.

He’d not last long down here in Kent at all.
OwlBeThere · 25/03/2021 21:18

@Nanny0gg I don’t think a joke is necessarily taking the piss, it very much depends on context, but my point is OP said she didn’t want people to know in case she didn’t pass and I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that to a child. I’m sure in Mumsnet land where people go bankrupt just to get kids into the ‘right’ school that’s not going to be a popular view, but it’s how I feel. If she’s capable she will do just fine at a comprehensive without all this extra stress.

tenlittlecygnets · 25/03/2021 21:20

What an unprofessional bellend that teacher is! He should be impressed that your dd is aspirational and working hard. Bad enough getting comments from her peers, never mind from a teacher...

Dd sat the 11 plus from just outside county and got in. She's now in sixth form, still at the grammar. She has met lovely, lovely girls and has fabulous teachers - it was a good choice for her.

Good luck to your dd.

phlebasconsidered · 25/03/2021 21:20

Bit different though- areas with grammars as normal like Portsmouth etc are completely different to others. The school I teach in our nearest grammar is 25 miles away and yes: it is the utter preserve of parents who can pay for tuition and have money. Absolutely.

Lalliella · 25/03/2021 21:21

@Strangekindofwoman

If she needs online lessons and tutoring perhaps a grammar school is not for her.

After all maybe all the 'bright WC kids' parents can't compete with that financially.

@Strangekindofwoman we’re in a grammar school area and it’s pretty much impossible to pass without either expensive tutoring or parents giving intensive help to their kids. The stuff on the test isn’t allowed to be taught in state schools. Hence the grammar schools are stuffed to the gills with middle class kids. Social mobility is pretty much non-existent in the system.
ByTheStarryNight · 25/03/2021 21:22

Look up the school's complaints procedure on the website and follow the steps. Hopefully step 1 will fix things. Don't go straight to the governors as suggested above, that's the action to take if the school don't respond adequately to your complaint.

thecatsthecats · 25/03/2021 21:29

I was on the receiving end of similar comments from my Y6 teacher, and if it's any consolation, my friends HATED her for it. She lost the respect of half the class for making snarky comments at me, because they're hitting that age where pleasing adults is becoming uncool.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2021 21:30

@Strangekindofwoman

If she needs online lessons and tutoring perhaps a grammar school is not for her.

After all maybe all the 'bright WC kids' parents can't compete with that financially.

That’s a ridiculous thing to say considering she’s not being prepared for it at school. She would be at a complete disadvantage against every child within that schooling system, let alone the hot housed or privately educated kids.
Leeds2 · 25/03/2021 21:31

I suspect the teacher failed the 11+ himself.

I don't agree with the 11+ system, but this teacher should absolutely not be making fun of your daughter, and breaching his duty of confidentiality in order to raise a laugh with her classmates. I would certainly advise the Head, and I would expect an apology from him.

Lauren15 · 25/03/2021 21:32

When I was 11, my dps moved to a more upmarket area so I could get into a better secondary school. I stayed at my primary school as my dps didn’t think it was worth moving schools. I had five months of my class teacher, the HT and the deputy HT making snide or belittling remarks. I didn’t enjoy it but even as a child, I could see how pathetic it was for grown ups to do that to a child. I’m now a teacher and I can’t imagine treating one of my pupils like that. It’s shocking.

phlebasconsidered · 25/03/2021 21:32

Usually in every year group there's an average kid who will get into grammar because the parents pay for tutoring. And two or three who are head and shoulders above that kid who won't because they can't tutor to the very specific test, the kid is entirely responsible for themselves because their parents are shiftworkers/ EAL/ not interested/ can't spare the time because they are flat out/ dealing with social service/immigration/housing etc etc etc.

So yes, I understand that teacher. Utterly. I have taught many amazing, brilliant, truly deserving kids in my 2 decade career and none of them have "benefitted" from a grammar school.

DailyCandy · 25/03/2021 21:35

Sounds jealous

partyatthepalace · 25/03/2021 21:36

I think you have to talk to the head and then to him direct. He’s clearly got a chip on his shoulder but bullying your daughter is not Ok. Be clear you asked him to keep it quiet for her benefit and he’s done the opposite - and the class-warrior non joke

babbaloushka · 25/03/2021 21:37

Take it to the head, that's appalling! Sometimes I think teachers can be ridiculously prejudiced. DD had a secondary school teacher at a state grammar, who, before she went for her Oxbridge interview, told her to "Show those poncies how we do it". Obviously not the same as wasn't aimed at her but was still a bit Hmm at him bringing his personal views into the classroom so blatantly.

Leftturnstraightahead · 25/03/2021 21:38

Does this have GDPR implications? - Personal information given to professionals is not for them to publish as they wish.