Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 04/05/2021 12:59

Sorry didn't see this was from March

CorianderBee · 04/05/2021 14:08

Your parents sound totally and utterly nuts btw. Well done for coping so far and your kids clearly know you're the sane one in this situation.

If SS are contacted or something then you have all the evidence on phone and email of the situation, the witness of your friend, your children know you're acting in their best interests and you've secured them a safe and happy home.....

Cant really see SS doing more than offering you some general support.

Iamaperiwinkle · 06/05/2021 19:41

A bit low today. I want a cuddle from them -although I can count on one hand the number of cuddles that I have ever had from them. Just want an apology and a cuppa and 'let't move forward' but just silence and it's deafening.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/05/2021 19:58
Thanks

You will never get that, you never have and never will Sad

Cuddle your DC and practice self care & self love. Sadly their love is poison.

Budapestdreams · 07/05/2021 16:04

I'm so sorry OP, but they don't know how to love you. It isn't healthy, they use you and want to control you.

Your children, however, do know how to love you. Spend time with them and treating yourself today, bubble bath, flowers, favourite meal. Whatever makes you feel cared for. You are doing a great job caring for yourself and your kids.

I understand you are grieving for your parents attention, but as pp says, it was always toxic. Surround yourself with healthy, caring people.
This is tough but I hope it will get easier.

BlackDaffodil · 07/05/2021 21:09

Silence goes two ways.

They will be fizzing at your audacity to disobey them.

So silence is good.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/05/2021 08:31

Completely understandable OP. From experience i can say that you will be much happier after you have managed to let go of the hope that they will become the parents you wish they were.
Take care.

Ohdobequiet · 08/05/2021 13:34

So sorry op. They’re damaged and won’t change.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread