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AIBU?

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Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 01/05/2021 14:23

I have a female friend I was going to go with to their drive tomorrow. We were going to leave the kids at her house (local to them) and then go with both cars to get the stuff.

OP posts:
DonutsAllRound · 01/05/2021 14:24

It doesn't matter what some twat thinks about your mental health. Don't let this third party upset you. He says he's attached a picture and he hasn't attached a picture. That's not because there is something wrong with you, it's because he's a dick.

All things considered, you are doing very well. You've come a long way.

I don't know what you should do about this stuff you want back. It's easy for us on the outside of the situation to think that nothing is worth this!

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/05/2021 14:52

I think you need to write your belongings off. They’ll use this as stick to beat you with for as long as they can.

Block FM.

78percentLindt · 01/05/2021 14:57

I don't know what to say, but you are being gaslighted (gaslit) .
Can you afford a solicitors letter stating your parents are withholding your and your children's Property and stating that you wish to collect It undamaged without seeing them or their nominee . They are abusing you need using the property to control you.

78percentLindt · 01/05/2021 15:09

Sorry the need in the last sentence should be and. Damned predictive text.
Ignore the comments about your MH, he or she has been fed lies, but did you expect different? You have stood up to your manipulative parents and so there must be something wrong with you.Hmm
I would suggest they might heed help with using their phone as they haven't sent you a voice mail or attached a photo, but it is probably incendiary.
I think a call for non urgent advice from the police may not be a bad thing as it is a record of your difficulties

Newestname001 · 01/05/2021 15:18

@Fluffycloudland77

I think you need to write your belongings off.

I think one of the things the OP's "parents" are holding hostage is her work computer? 🌹

RandomMess · 01/05/2021 15:33

Why don't you nominate someone to talk to their nominated person?

Say yes to meeting at their choosing etc. Just take people with you for moral support.

If they insist on bringing the DC say yes and then on the day "they refused to come"?

TBH you need to speak to your local domestic violence police team and ask if they will accompany you I really think they will, it's no different to leaving an abusive partner and they will accompany you then to collect belongings.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/05/2021 15:43

Work could report the pc as stolen if the parents won’t return it?.

Chloemol · 01/05/2021 16:23

Say yes to the meeting, take someone with you, record the meeting. If they refuse to hand over your stuff report to the police as stolen and insist they do something

Nanny2many · 01/05/2021 16:39

@Fluffycloudland77

Work could report the pc as stolen if the parents won’t return it?.
That’s what I thought!
usedtobealawyer · 01/05/2021 16:50

Are they borrowing the money or do they have the cash.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. This is potentially a great deal for you enabling you to be in a better house than you can otherwise afford. You just need to work out the detail. It seems to me that you have form (in your parents eyes no judgment from me) for bad financial decisions.

What about a private mortgage so your parents have first charge over the house. You could then inherit their interest in the property which would wipe off any debt remaining in due course. In many ways they would be better off with this than just being your landlord and they should be worried about IHT really and this would be a tax neutral way of them getting the money back. Won't work if they need to mortgage the money.

usedtobealawyer · 01/05/2021 17:00

Sorry should have read the thread. It's hard on the app.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 01/05/2021 17:12

Just a huge, massive no.

Gazelda · 01/05/2021 17:17

I think it's time to get the police involved. They are withholding property that doesn't belong to them.

I really wouldn't agree to meet up with FM or parents. They will only want to lecture you again and try to make you believe you are at fault. Which you are NOT.

HoldThatThoughtNow · 01/05/2021 17:19

I honestly think you need to involve the police. They are withholding your possessions. You have given them ample opportunity to give them back.

Ring 101 and see what they say. Maybe they can send an officer with you to make them play ball.

Sorry it's got to this. But think how free you'll be when they won't have this hold over you Thanks

ButtonMoonLoon · 01/05/2021 17:29

If I’ve remembered correctly one of the items is a work laptop?
In that case I would TELL rather than ask them when you will be collecting. Tell them a time you will be there to collect items from outside their house, and that if anything is missing you will be involving the police and that given some items are owned by your employer, that they too will be involving the police and taking legal action.

TommyShelby · 01/05/2021 17:49

Good god Op, this is terrible. I’m really sorry you’re being put through this. They are vile to treat you and your children this way Flowers

DowntonCrabby · 01/05/2021 18:01

How awful for you OP.

It is absolutely your right to have your possessions, of course it is. This is the only control they have remaining over you now, they absolutely will not let go of that. FM is as bad and not to be trusted as a mediator/negotiator of times/days. FM is clearly firmly in their pocket too.

At this point I’d cut all ties to all of them, FM included, block him too and walk away from the “stuff” unless a call to 101 would result in the police going to collect the stuff for you, which is worth a try.

I’d be going NC for good.

Budapestdreams · 01/05/2021 18:23

OP, you have been so strong and have stood up to them and protected your children.
You have been fantastic and I just wanted to offer my support and say that I hope your life will settle down soon and that they stay out of your life for good

Iamaperiwinkle · 01/05/2021 18:29

After a good cry. I have texted FM to say I am going to pick up my stuff at x time from the bottom of the drive. If it isn't there I have said I will not approach the house but phone the police.

They don't want the neighbours seeing it and knowing what has happened.

FM said I'm being difficult and he can't understand why I don't want them to have my address and drop it off as it will be easier for me.

OP posts:
HoldThatThoughtNow · 01/05/2021 18:34

Well done.

Don't engage. It's not a negotiation. They have your stuff and you want it back. Hell would freeze over before I gave them my address. The harassment would never stop.

I would seriously ring 101 for advice. Plus keep all the texts for evidence

Newestname001 · 01/05/2021 18:34

FM said I'm being difficult and he can't understand why I don't want them to have my address and drop it off as it will be easier for me.

I wouldn't want these people, nor any of their "flying monkeys" know where my children and I lived. They would never leave you alone - and you'd never know if they would turn up at your new home to continue their harassment. 🌹

Harryo · 01/05/2021 18:42

Ask your boss to report the laptop as stolen and just repkace the rest as and when you can OP.

Then change your number and go NC with them.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/05/2021 18:47

I think they are trying to help you and also potentially mitigate any inheritance tax you may have to pay one day. There will be a way to do this that protects all of you. So long as you are happy with the 10 year plan.

I would involve a financial advisor and have a proper contract drawn up, so all investments are protected. Perhaps something that gradually transfers ownership to you. You have a lot to gain from it (saving £1000 / mth rent alone). I wouldn't worry about keeping £50k cash, its not ideal - I strongly suspect we are about to have serious inflation, cash is a bad investment, just have £10k on the side for emergencies, and make sure your investment is in your name.

Perhaps offer to pay them a greater income, £1000/month instead (still less than your rent) but your name on the deeds as well - basically taking a mortgage from them rather than the bank. A properly drawn up legal document can protect all of you and allow them to help you which I do think is their intention.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/05/2021 18:49

Oops sorry I didnt realise there were so many posts after!

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