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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 12/04/2021 05:52

Your father actually sounds deranged. I’m not surprised you feel spaced out. When you are a logical rational normal person it’s hard to grasp what’s going on with behaviour like your father’s.

I hope you manage to get your things back. And I would be definitely going no contact. For your own sanity but also to protect your children. It’s great that you have such an open dialogue with them but you do need to protect them. His behaviour is way beyond normal. It’s even way beyond just wanting to control you.

Pixxie7 · 12/04/2021 06:19

You are essentially putting in 50k into the prop and should get something in recognition. I would be wary but if you decide to go ahead insist on your name being put on the deeds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2021 07:01

Your parents have done you and your children a massive favour. Your parents are raging narcissists and should not be able to influence your children.

KihoBebiluPute · 12/04/2021 07:19

@Pixxie7 do read all the OPs updates.

@Iamaperiwinkle send back "Yes i agree not having further contact is best for all concerned but this cannot commence until you have allowed me to retrieve my property that is currently with you. If you do not allow me to retrieve it, this will become a legal matter and the police will need to be involved. Once I have collected [list of items] you need never hear from me again."

You are finding all this difficult to believe/understand because you are proceeding from the false assumption that your parents are not deranged narcissists. Reset your expectations with this in mind and their behaviour makes sense. You need to minimise future contact for your own and your children's wellbeing.

Iamaperiwinkle · 12/04/2021 20:20

Well - I went to work today to go to the work flat. It's beautiful. Electrics being finished today. I have two kids. It has two huge double bedrooms and one huge lounge. In the middle of a huge city -but the flats x3 -one is empty. One has the work caretaker in Monday -Friday and one will be ours. 2 large bedrooms, one huge lounge, one brand new kitchen, one open plan ultility with a work bench over the top of them, one bathroom, So either the kids share one room and I have one room and we have a lounge to socialise in. Or the kids have one each and I have the lounge to sleep in as well as the sofas etc -not decided on that one yet. We move in complete with blow up beds on Friday night. It's gorgeous. We are getting it for 1/2 market value -no neighbours at all -it's in an old house on the grounds of work -no neighbours around for a good 500metres in all directions -it's in a quad. No bills to pay. All included in rent. Also boss says kids can use wifi for internet and netflix etc and their computer. Hopefully move in and unload all the current bin bags over the weekend. Kids back at school for a week and then move furniture. There is also a swimming pool on site -not sure if we will be able to use this as no lifeguard on weekends. I already have a parking permit for work. So can park on the road outside.

We can see miles across the city in each direction. A children's park x2 in less than a 5 minute walk in each directions.

I texted the 3rd party yesterday asking to talk -no reply. I'm going to give it a week and then demand my stuff direct from parents and just state their 3rd party is not responding to texts.

Parents still have my tv and about 5 sacks of stuff.
We have a large van which is moving our beds, washing machine etc -next weekend (not this one -so in two weeks time nearly). Heating is fine.

Scary stuff.
Brand new kitchen installed in the last few days for us. Bathroom is 'a bit grim' as in very small but you know what it's ours. For 6 months or 2 years..............

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 12/04/2021 21:05

That's such good news about the flat, you and your children will be really happy there, without the emotional abuse from your parents. Good luck in getting your belongings

TimeQuest01 · 12/04/2021 21:31

I found this thread this morning and I’m delighted how it’s all turning out for you.

Best of luck!

Pipsquiggle · 12/04/2021 21:36

Your flat sounds lovely. This could be a real spring board for the next phase in your life.

KihoBebiluPute · 12/04/2021 21:54

That flat sounds brilliant. You are going to be ok. Breathe deep and free.

RandomMess · 12/04/2021 21:56

I think it is worth speaking to the local police domestic violence team (or equivalent) you were kicked out by abusive parents and just want to collect your belongings. They would it if it were an ex partner.

Saltyslug · 12/04/2021 22:57

Keep your address top secret op. Also save for your own flat

Saltyslug · 12/04/2021 22:59

Can’t bare wood effect.

IGiveUpalready · 12/04/2021 23:37

@Saltyslug

Can’t bare wood effect.
Trees can!
BlueDahlia69 · 13/04/2021 03:53

Wonderful news OP, things are looking up and rightly so. Be happy be free of this bollocks from your parents.

Make sure your friend attends with you, when you do eventually make an arrangement to get all your belongings back, failing that phone the police, do not go alone.

So happy for you 🌸

Berthatydfil · 13/04/2021 07:48

If you call to the non emergency police number and tell them you have been a victim of emotional abuse and coercive control but have left that accommodation but need to collect your and your children’s belongings as this is being refused so you are concerned for your safety and there may be a disturbance or breach of the peace

longwayoff · 13/04/2021 07:53

This isn't buying you a home at all. Don't do it and get some proper legal advice.

longwayoff · 13/04/2021 08:08

Oh. Bit late with the obvious comment, apologies, your parents sound utterly deranged but your new home sounds delightful. Good luck with it and take the advice above. Don't, ever, trust them in financial matters. They are not on your side.

FlamingoQueen · 13/04/2021 09:00

Wow! I’ve read all of your post this morning and am so pleased that you are moving into your new home, it sounds lovely. I’m so sorry re your parents - I just don’t understand people behaving like this. Your 14 yr old sounds amazing. You are obviously a strong person and deserve some happiness and good luck. Good luck.

ArtemisiaGentle · 13/04/2021 11:37

You've had a tough time but you are strong, and lots of people care about you. Your new flat sounds lovely, and as others have said, a good springboard to even better things. I hope you get your stuff back. Your parents tried to scam you and control you and when it didn't go their way they lashed out at you. But you saw through it. You are awesome. I wish you the very best Flowers

FartleBarfle · 13/04/2021 14:42

Wow. That was a journey. You've been to hell and back and will all have a lot of healing to do. Give yourselves time. I hope life gets better for you now. You'll be glad you did it alone.

Keep us posted on your progress as you settle in!

PuggyMum · 13/04/2021 15:10

I've been following the thread but nothing to add other than you've had a lucky escape with your parents and the house.

The new flat sounds perfect!

If you're in a city and the bathroom is lacking, I'd use the cheap rent as an excuse to join a gym/spa in a nice hotel! With dcs that are a little older too I'm sure they'd love it!

Iamaperiwinkle · 13/04/2021 17:25

A bit of a hold up. Boss phoned today and said they have hit a snag with some of the electrics but will be done for next Friday -so another week to wait or actually 10 days.

I think a new flying monkey has been put in the mix -their new POA rang me at midday (I was working) and I didn't pick up. No voice mail left.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 15/04/2021 18:05

so calculating and dangerously manipulative OP, do not answer any unknown numbers.

10 days isn't too long, stay strong Lady, you're doing great. Flowers

ButtonMoonLoon · 26/04/2021 13:14

@Iamaperiwinkle

A bit of a hold up. Boss phoned today and said they have hit a snag with some of the electrics but will be done for next Friday -so another week to wait or actually 10 days.

I think a new flying monkey has been put in the mix -their new POA rang me at midday (I was working) and I didn't pick up. No voice mail left.

Iamamperiwinkle how are you?
Iamaperiwinkle · 28/04/2021 20:03

We have just moved into the flat. Kids have been majorly up and down and eldest says she never wants to see parents again. I'm feeling very down and lonely.

It's feels surreal. I haven't seen them for 4 weeks.And we saw them daily before.

I last spoke to them 3 weeks ago. My Dad was shaking with rage and told me to never contact them again and said X had power of attorney and to contact them if I wanted to contact them.

So I sent them a text and tried to ring and got a phone call back but no message. I left it a couple of weeks and then tried again. Contacting the family member and just want my stuff back.
We spoke on the phone at the weekend it was surreal. As predicted they have listened to my parents and a different narrative (I'm highly ungrateful and they are elderly etc), but then the person went on to ask where I was living, and lots of personal information (I refused to give this information). They then said I could write an itemised list and then went on to ask about the children and wanted to know if I had referred myself to social services (?!!) and that they 'only wanted to help'. I was like -what the fuck? This is a family member who hasn't spoken to me for 30 years and said 'Periwinkle we all love you and want to support you as a mum and help you' -so I asked 'what exactly are you offering to do to 'help me and support me' because I only want my stuff back please' -they said they would see what they could do . They tried to ring me back at 10.30 pm - I was asleep. Even their calls seem controlling eg. I texted and said I could talk Sunday, Tuesday or Wednesday at 7pm and they then texted Monday morning and said 'Ring tonight' -so I'm like WTF? So I've still not got my stuff back.

They clearly have told this family member a different story but I'm on my guard massively. The comment about social services was so unexpected. They asked after the children -but have never ever acknowledged the birth of any of my kids and yet he was saying 'I love them and just want to help you and them' -I'm worried.

OP posts: