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AIBU?

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Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
78percentLindt · 01/05/2021 18:49

"You may wish to reflect on why I do not want my parents to have my address." With or without either "i am not prepared to accept their controlling behaviour anymore" or "it's not my mental health you should be concerned with"
Hopefully you can take your friend and please make sure you are not followed by anyone. A few double backs or circuitous route back may be in order.

FFSFFSFFS · 01/05/2021 19:06

Christ almighty. This is why I live on the other side of the world and am No Contact from my family.

They have deliberately created a full blown drama and will just keep continuing it on. I'm so so so sorry.

I totally get re schools etc - and this is not possible short term - but certainly long term the only solution really is to get as far away from them as possible. Until you can do that its just a matter of soldiering on and trying to limit the impact on your children.

You really will get through this.

Fuck me they're god awful. I think you're like me in that you just cant understand how and why people behave like this. I am the only one in my family who is not an insane abusive manipulative nutter and I genuinely don't understand how they can be like they are. But they won't change.

In some ways it long term is probably good its gone so tits up because I think you are now finally released. I didnt go NC until I was 40 because they finally just went too far. And they still don't really believe and I get waify messages every now and then. I think your parents are in for a big ol shock when they realise they've finally done it!

Donotgogentle · 01/05/2021 19:17

Jesus - read the thread.

Donotgogentle · 01/05/2021 19:25

This thread is a very upsetting read op. Also very familiar to me in the manipulation, control, blame and bullying from your parents.

I went NC with my DM nearly 30 years ago after an apparently generous offer of help was withdrawn at the last minute. It left me in a real mess and they blamed me for it. I have never, ever regretted going NC as it would have been impossible to build a happy life with my DM in it.

Have one last go at getting your stuff back then just walk away. You’re giving them power and they’re abusing it, work will have to treat the laptop as stolen by them if necessary.

The best revenge is to live well. Go forward and build a good life with your dc.

Iamaperiwinkle · 01/05/2021 19:52

I have just texted and said I'm going at x time to their drive -I expect my stuff to be there. If it isn't I will phone the police but I will not be ringing them etc.

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 19:58

@Iamaperiwinkle

I have just texted and said I'm going at x time to their drive -I expect my stuff to be there. If it isn't I will phone the police but I will not be ringing them etc.

Good... the Police is your only option now 🌼

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/05/2021 22:46

I agree with other PP

Get your boss to report the laptop as stolen

Don't even engage with them any further. Ring the police and ask for advice regarding getting your stuff back but be prepared to write it off.

They are using it to control you. Let them keep it.

NC is the only way with these lunatics. Sorry OP

DonutsAllRound · 01/05/2021 22:48

@Iamaperiwinkle

I have just texted and said I'm going at x time to their drive -I expect my stuff to be there. If it isn't I will phone the police but I will not be ringing them etc.

Well done. Thanks
You are doing brilliantly.

SteveArnottsCodeine · 01/05/2021 23:59

Just read all of this OP. Lots of it reminded me of a very similar story a friend of mine has with her parents. She is totally non contact now (and lives 300 miles away!) and doesn’t miss them, says she feels lighter for being free. That will be you too. I hope you get your stuff back tomorrow.

Roadtohades · 02/05/2021 08:13

Thinking of you Flowers

PrincessTuna · 02/05/2021 08:42

I've read all of your posts OP you are doing so well while having all this shit thrown at you. They obviously see your belongings as the last bit of control they have over you, I hope you get it all back. Flowers

Yawnthisway · 02/05/2021 08:59

The work laptop kind of takes the decision to write stuff of out of your hands doesn’t it? If it gets reported stolen your company will need to file a police report for insurance. I know police don’t usually bother to investigate theft but that might put the fear into your parents .

Iamaperiwinkle · 02/05/2021 11:38

The flying monkey has sent me a text saying they have ‘caved’ to my demands and will put my stuff on their drive way at 2 pm for me to collect.

OP posts:
Malbecfan · 02/05/2021 12:11

Good luck OP. I hope it is as stress-free as possible.

Newestname001 · 02/05/2021 12:39

Fingers crossed, OP. 🌹

ChunkyBird · 02/05/2021 12:45

Caved to your demands. Hmm

FFS, they're absolute gaslighting wankers.

You just want your property back.

I'd absolutely phone the police if it's not all there waiting for you.

ArnoJambonsBike · 02/05/2021 12:49

Caved? Aye, right.

The verminous cunts are shit scared of the police turning up at their door.

RandomMess · 02/05/2021 13:19

I hope everything is there and undamaged Thanks

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 02/05/2021 14:49

I hope you got your stuff. What awful people you and children are far better having no contact with these idiots. Did you ever hear back from your uncle? Hopefully there is some support there.

LoudestCat14 · 02/05/2021 15:53

Hope you got your stuff back and you're okay, OP.

Iamaperiwinkle · 02/05/2021 17:26

Right so the update.

Was there shitting myself with friend at a few minutes before appointed time. Both of us professional women in their 40s. Their house is set back from the drive and they have a balcony overlooking the drive from their bedroom. I pulled up with friend. I didn't look but I clocked them on the balcony. My Mum was videoing us with a camcorder. Took less than 2 minutes to load the cars up. It was farcical seeing my Mother video us with what sounded like a commentary. WTF??

Their next door neighbours were outside and they waved at us (?) we waved back.

Work laptop -tick. Some paperwork (not all -just one box ) tick. But no brand new TV. The brand new TV was confiscated back in December -as 'we all watch programs together and we weren't allowed it in our rooms' and they hid it in the loft.

Texted FM to say 'have been and picked up the stuff they put outside, but x,y and missing'

Got a text a few minutes later saying 'This is why caving to your demands doesn't work we asked for an itemised list' - I referred FM to my text of a certain date in april requesting among other items 'my work laptop, all boxes of paperwork including those they put in the loft, and my brand new TV' -I pointed out the items listed had only be partly returned -this was 3 hours ago and I have not yet had a reply.
I also pointed out to FM that if you leave your house and shut the door and someone asks you to write a list -you can't list EVERYTHING you have left behind that is ridiculous.

Had a good heart to heart with old school friend and we are going to move and rent in the village -they can just avoid us.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/05/2021 17:31

The not giving you everything is a way of keeping you hooked into communicating with them.

Donotgogentle · 02/05/2021 17:33

Yeah well, they have your TV. You have your freedom and your sanity.

Well done and sorry this has happened to you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/05/2021 17:49

I would hate to have done this with my parents, their batshit too.

Write off the tv, they can shove it.

iknowimcoming · 02/05/2021 18:34

Well done in getting your stuff, unless your parents have anything you absolutely can't live without, I'd change your phone number and cease all contact now, permanently, including the FM go between. No good will come of this relationship- ever. I also wouldn't rush into any other big decisions right now tho, particularly moving since you've got such a good deal on your work flat, stay put and take time to focus on you and the dc's mental well-being. Consider it a fresh start Thanks