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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 02/05/2021 18:47

I feel like you would be better off having them as a guarantor on your own mortgage.

PrincessTuna · 02/05/2021 18:59

Filming you collect your stuff?! Absolutely batshit. It's a sad state of affairs but I think your life will be easier now youve detached from that headfuck x

DonutsAllRound · 02/05/2021 19:00

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed

I feel like you would be better off having them as a guarantor on your own mortgage.

I take it you haven't read the thread!

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 02/05/2021 19:04

@DonutsAllRound

I’ve just finished reading all of OP’s posts Grin

I retract my statement.

Good luck to you and your family OP, minus the parents. Good riddens to them!

GreenDahlia · 02/05/2021 21:03

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed

I feel like you would be better off having them as a guarantor on your own mortgage.

seriously 🙄 RTFT

MrsSchulman · 02/05/2021 21:52

I’ve just finished reading all of OP’s posts Grin

Oh well, congratulations. 🙄

This is a thread with over five hundred messages, but you go ahead and throw your pearls of wisdom before the rest of us, mere swine, to let us know what should be done after reading just the opening post.

Just swan on in with your daft advice and then add a nice grinning face on a serious and sensitive thread.

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/05/2021 22:31

@MrsSchulman

I’ve just finished reading all of OP’s posts Grin

Oh well, congratulations. 🙄

This is a thread with over five hundred messages, but you go ahead and throw your pearls of wisdom before the rest of us, mere swine, to let us know what should be done after reading just the opening post.

Just swan on in with your daft advice and then add a nice grinning face on a serious and sensitive thread.

No need for all this, was there?
Iamaperiwinkle · 03/05/2021 08:44

FM has just contacted me to say

'Have spoken to your parents. They are so upset about the TV & paperwork they had forgotten in the loft. They are really upset. So they again have kindly offered to bring it to you if you let us know your address. Or you can again to go and collect it'.

I'm still reeling. Note the language 'they are upset' not any apology to me. Not an apology for the FM and their messages saying 'This is why you needed to list your items'.

Part of me wants to let rip, send them pictures of the kids stuff all chucked in bags, pictures of my hair (all fallen out in clumps) and send a text explaining that we asked for the TV specifically, how dare they 'be upset' it is me that arranged to come and get it and me that was filmed collected my stuff peacefully. How fucking dare they. The other part of me, after the sale of my house goes through in a few weeks I could just change my number. They would still have my email etc. But is blocking them going to work -I'd have to block myself from all family though as my family would just pass it on -and we could be contact on SM etc. ARGH!!! I'm SO angry.

I don't want to arrange the whole the thing again -and they is NO APOLOGY.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 03/05/2021 08:52

I wouldn't worry about apologies, this is not a fight you are going to ever be able to win. They are never ever going to think they are wrong.

It doesn't matter how they packed the items. They did that to hurt you.

You've got to decide whether getting this last bit of stuff back is worth the drama.

Donotgogentle · 03/05/2021 08:55

Can you live without the TV and outstanding paperwork? Then live without it, take your power back and say they can dispose of it as they wish.

I don’t know whether your parents are likely to harass you going forward but it shouldn’t be necessary to change your number and block all family to go NC. If family do send messages you could thank them but say you’re not in touch with your parents at the moment so please don’t forward messages. Rinse and repeat and ignore.

Best of luck op.

Yawnthisway · 03/05/2021 09:09

@MrsSchulman

I’ve just finished reading all of OP’s posts Grin

Oh well, congratulations. 🙄

This is a thread with over five hundred messages, but you go ahead and throw your pearls of wisdom before the rest of us, mere swine, to let us know what should be done after reading just the opening post.

Just swan on in with your daft advice and then add a nice grinning face on a serious and sensitive thread.

Fucking hell. It’s just a forum.
RandomMess · 03/05/2021 09:15

They deliberately withheld the TV etc to continue the drama and you being in contact.

They want you back apologising to them, begging forgiveness, bolstering their position as being in control.

If you absolutely need the rest of the stuff send a list and time and day you will collect from the end of the drive.

If you don't then just reply "they can dispose of it as they see fit"

You can block them for now and make a decision about changing phone number etc in the future. Your sanity comes first which may been disconnecting from your wider family too.

Thanks
Budapestdreams · 03/05/2021 09:34

They are awful to you OP. I am so glad you didn't accept the house offer, you would have been tied to them and their manipulative drama for years.

Lollypop4 · 03/05/2021 10:32

Awful situation you and Dc have been put through.

I too would write off left items.
I wish you and Dc well in your new home and so pleased you don't have to deal with your awful parentd any longer

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/05/2021 10:47

Fucking hell. It’s just a forum.

Except that this is someone’s real life and it’s clearly a serious problem that’s being discussed. It’s not hard to just read the OP’s posts if necessary, so as to not tack on a comment that is as insensitive as it is thoughtless for the sale of posting. If a thread is hundreds of pages long, it’s probably moved on from the original post.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 03/05/2021 14:20

@Iamaperiwinkle

FM has just contacted me to say

'Have spoken to your parents. They are so upset about the TV & paperwork they had forgotten in the loft. They are really upset. So they again have kindly offered to bring it to you if you let us know your address. Or you can again to go and collect it'.

I'm still reeling. Note the language 'they are upset' not any apology to me. Not an apology for the FM and their messages saying 'This is why you needed to list your items'.

Part of me wants to let rip, send them pictures of the kids stuff all chucked in bags, pictures of my hair (all fallen out in clumps) and send a text explaining that we asked for the TV specifically, how dare they 'be upset' it is me that arranged to come and get it and me that was filmed collected my stuff peacefully. How fucking dare they. The other part of me, after the sale of my house goes through in a few weeks I could just change my number. They would still have my email etc. But is blocking them going to work -I'd have to block myself from all family though as my family would just pass it on -and we could be contact on SM etc. ARGH!!! I'm SO angry.

I don't want to arrange the whole the thing again -and they is NO APOLOGY.

They've 'forgotten' bits and packed it crappily to get to you

Don't give them the satisfaction!

If you arrange another time they will 'forget' something else and it extends the dialogue

Block them and FM and engage no further, and go and live your life free from them and all the stress they bring.

They can only affect you if you let them.

CaptainAwkward · 03/05/2021 14:36

Grey rock the bastards until you go NC.
If you’re worried about family passing on your details perhaps set up a new sim/number/email/PO Box to deal with them?
This is like the last bit in a film where the baddies are clinging on to the heroine and she has to pry them off.
You’re the heroine of your own life @Iamaperiwinkle, get rid of the baddies Flowers

Iamaperiwinkle · 03/05/2021 14:43

@CaptainAwkward

Grey rock the bastards until you go NC. If you’re worried about family passing on your details perhaps set up a new sim/number/email/PO Box to deal with them? This is like the last bit in a film where the baddies are clinging on to the heroine and she has to pry them off. You’re the heroine of your own life *@Iamaperiwinkle*, get rid of the baddies Flowers
At the moment I can't reply and can't decide what to say. So I will leave it.

When house sale and other stuff completes -I'll upgrade my and her phone and change our numbers. Then rent somewhere local. I work with their next door neighbour -so it is easy for them to get in touch.

It's pouring down here and to be honest I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of putting my nice TV out in the pouring rain. The kids were so looking forward to big TV in the big bedroom and netflix though. Never mind. I can't do much at the moment. I've been in PJ all day and the kids have been on their kindles. I just really feel bad for the them. The flat is temporary -would be fab if my house completes in the next 4 weeks as we can then look at a lovely house near their schools and plan to rent for a year or more there.

OP posts:
Fieldsofstars · 03/05/2021 19:18

They clearly kept the tv and other bits to try and get your address.
Please don’t move close to them, they actually sound potentially dangerous.
Hopefully you can keep them away from you and your children from now on.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 03/05/2021 21:08

'I work with their next door neighbour -so it is easy for them to get in touch'

Only if you accept messages from them via their neighbour or tell them where you live. If they try and pass message via neighbour refuse to acknowledge it or just accept and nod then file it in the bin.

GreenDahlia · 03/05/2021 21:18

Their response to you was designed to find out your new address.

They think they're clever they're plain embarrassing.

Pipsquiggle · 03/05/2021 21:35

Sorry OP about your batshit crazy parents. As previous posts have said they are trying to find out your address by blatantly keeping hold of stuff they know you need.

Well done for not responding when you know you're not in the right frame of mind.

You are doing really well, keep on keeping on. Things can and are so difficult in the moment but time brings perspective. We are all rooting for you x

Saltyslug · 03/05/2021 23:11

This will all be history and behind you soon. They have dragged things on which has made things so much worse. Once you have a proper break from them you’ll start to feel stronger. It might take a while but you’ll get there

CarpeVitam · 03/05/2021 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CorianderBee · 04/05/2021 12:45

It's not a gift if your names not on it. They're renting it out to you and if they need long term private care then they could be forced to sell it out from under you to pay for care.

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