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AIBU?

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Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
Dogfan · 28/04/2021 20:10

Speak to a solicitor about how you could structure this to protect you both. Anything is possible and you're right to want to make sure everything is documented. People always fall out over money, even though they say they want and it's the sensible thing to do to avoid any issues longer term. Maybe your parents don't realise how grateful you are so perhaps make that clear but also that it is in all of your interests to document this legally so there can be no misunderstanding down the line. Who can argue with that!?

bathsh3ba · 28/04/2021 20:12

I live in a house my parents bought outright for us but it was done through a family Trust and so it is an investment in my children's future, which is how I look at it. I'm a 'permitted occupier' and we have an occupancy agreement. I'm currently a full time student so pay only a token rent but I will increase it once I am earning properly. I feel very grateful but the Trust situation does make it feel more like a business arrangement. I was very involved in choosing the house though and they have a hands off approach, use a maintenance company for repairs etc. Could you consider a Trust situation?

tobedtoMNandfart · 28/04/2021 20:50

Good grief RTFT people!

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through. These are 2 very disordered people. Stick with your boundaries to protect yourself & your children. Whatever their motivations were/are it certainly was never in your best interests.

RandomMess · 28/04/2021 22:46

So glad you are in the flat!

Keep going one step in front of the other.

Thanks
BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 23:26

Read the flippin Thread 🙄

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 23:29

@Iamaperiwinkle

So glad you and the kids are in the flat.

I would ask the Police on 101 to be present when you are able to arrange the collection of your belongings.

good luck 🌸

FartleBarfle · 29/04/2021 08:01

I am glad you are in the flat. Having experienced this via my in laws I know there is a period of grief and shock you go through. These people aren't who you need them to be at all, they are toxic and highly abusive. Your recent decisions have been amazing considering a lot of people might have given in for an 'easier life'. Although I don't see how it's easy when you are controlled like this. Keep grieving and know it will take time, even years before you come to terms with what they have done. Try not to go back to them please. They are running a smear campaign now to try to turn your family against you. This happened to my husband when he tried to set a boundary with his parents, he now has two siblings that won't talk to him which baffles me as they all used to be really close. It's crazy how easily people can be manipulated, but you have to draw on your secure and trusted network which it sounds like you have around you. Don't worry about social services rubbish, heard it all before and they won't be interested in this sort of crap. Good luck and keep us all posted.

Dogfan · 29/04/2021 11:31

OP I don't know how you are putting up with this nonsense. I would be tempted to speak to a solicitor about your rights to get any last items back from them and maybe a restraining order as they seem hell bent on finding out where you live. It might all blow over of course but as you say this isn't the first time they have behaved like this...I don't really have any thoughts except you're a hero for putting up with it!

Iamaperiwinkle · 29/04/2021 17:40

@Dogfan

OP I don't know how you are putting up with this nonsense. I would be tempted to speak to a solicitor about your rights to get any last items back from them and maybe a restraining order as they seem hell bent on finding out where you live. It might all blow over of course but as you say this isn't the first time they have behaved like this...I don't really have any thoughts except you're a hero for putting up with it!
I know from bitter experience with the ex that restraining orders cost £thousands and are rarely effective unfortunately.

I also know from bitter experience that the police will do VERY little to help me get my things back.

My Dad wanted eldest to 'write' a list of her items missing -which seems to be the narrative from the family member. She is on a waiting list for emergency counselling and they have said a maximum of 3 months -probably nearer 2 -4 weeks.

I'm just so upset. I look at my lovely house now sold and awaiting exchange and think WTF did I do -moving hundreds of miles back to them? We can't go back we now have a court order letting us live locally and the kids are in outstanding schools. I just feel my parents have fucked us over big time.

I'm just what to do about my stuff. I texted yesterday (to their 'nominated person' saying I offered to talk to arrange picking up my stuff on 3 different days and they chose the only day this week I couldn't do. I have no idea if they will phone tonight or not -I'm sick and tired of everything.

I felt very very low this morning. I've moved away from friends, support,jobs and schools to be close to them and they have just behaved like this.

I'm very low (GP is aware).

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 29/04/2021 18:27

OP you are safe you have a roof over your head and your kids around you, you have your job and your freedom.

You are in a good place.

Throckmorton · 29/04/2021 19:07

God, I'm so sorry. What utter utter bastards they are. They don't deserve to ever hear from any of you again.

ChaToilLeam · 29/04/2021 19:28

I hope you can get your belongings, OP. You might need to go down a legal route for that. Enjoy your new flat, and once you have your stuff back, you need never have anything to do with your parents or their flying monkeys ever again. They sound truly twisted and evil.

LoudestCat14 · 29/04/2021 19:48

Bloody hell, OP, your parents are POISON. The way they've tried to manipulate you and your kids, the demands they make, the emotional blackmail – I'm amazed you haven't had a breakdown dealing with them. I mean, they wanted you to pay them your entire wages!!!!

I'm not surprised you're feeling low right now, but you have what sounds like a beautiful flat to live in, your children are healthy and loved and they love you, so you have a lot to be grateful for. Write a formal letter asking them one final time to return you and your children's belongings or you'll seek legal advice and send it by recorded delivery so you have a receipt of it being delivered. Hopefully that might jolt them into giving the items back.

Then, once you have got your stuff back, BLOCK.

notapizzaeater · 29/04/2021 20:21

Could the relative arrange to get the stuff and you collect from there ? They sound bat shit crazy tbh.

Iamaperiwinkle · 29/04/2021 20:31

I think I am on the verge of a breakdown if not already there. The kids keep fighting and I had an epic meltdown tonight as I just can't do it anymore. There was no 'flying monkey' phone call tonight. So I guess the fact I said I can do Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or Thursday at 7pm for a phone call and the fact they offered Wednesday at 7pm, was designed to piss me off.

The text I am poised to send is

'Further to your lack of response to my texts and my availability to talk not being suitable by you -I am hereby informing you that I would like you to tell Mother and Father that I will be coming to pick up ALL my possessions and paperwork from their driveway at 14:00 on Sunday afternoon. The reason for this time and date is that it is the only time showing as not expecting rain. If it rains or is looking like rain I might need to cancel. They do not need to be in. I do not need a conversation. I would simply like all my paperwork, TV and the items (they previously mentioned this was 5-7 black bin liners) that belong to the children and myself returned in a stress-free way to all of us. I hope this will be a painless and quick process on both sides. If this is not convenient please give me several alternatives by return. I have felt obstructed at every turn at reclaiming my things -so I hope this can be resolved swiftly this weekend. Kind Regards IAAP.

OP posts:
MunchyCat · 29/04/2021 20:43

I think that's a very good and straightforward text op.

I'd be tempted to add that you'll be taking formal action if they choose to withhold yours and your children's property from you.

Even if you think the police will be fuck all help, it sends a message that you're done fucking about.

Once you have your stuff back I would seriously consider blocking them completely from your life. I wouldn't be able to forgive this.

BlueVelvetStars · 29/04/2021 22:17

I would mention that you will be reporting anything not returned in full undamaged order to the Police.

Calmdown14 · 29/04/2021 22:43

Honestly, what is your stuff that is so essential? I can completely understand why you want it and of course you should be able to have it but it is simply handing them control.
Get on your local Freecycle sites and see what you can replace and stop asking for it.
It's not right but it is only heaping misery and abuse on you.
If you want it less, they will care less about giving it to you.
It isn't about the stuff, it's about the one last thing they have over you. Take back control and tell them to shove it.
And you are doing amazing BTW

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 01:22

It's OP's work laptop kids ipad's clothes etc

Yawnthisway · 30/04/2021 15:16

Do you have any relatives that might embarrass them into behaving reasonably?

I’m thinking if you ring someone up to ask them to come with you they might be embarrassed into behaving reasonably.

Iamaperiwinkle · 30/04/2021 18:13

I've been playing telephone tennis with their 'nominated person' going to send the text later.

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 00:16

good 🌼

Iamaperiwinkle · 01/05/2021 13:56

Please help me. I'm in tears and very distressed. Their FM phone at 4pm yesterday and did not leave a message.

He has sent a flurry of texts this morning talking about my mental health and 'offering support'. I texted that I wanted to pick my stuff up from their drive way at 2pm tomorrow. He's said no. He's said he has left clear messages and said he had attached a picture to his message proving he has left a voice mail for 50 seconds -there is no picture with his text. He has said the only way to get my stuff back is to go to a nominated place at a nominated time to meet him and them. I don't want to see them. Or him. I suffered years of abuse from an ex that used to say he had rung me when he hadn't or that he had sent a text when he hadn't. I feel gas lit all over again.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 01/05/2021 14:19

Maybe it's time to get the police involved OP to help you recover your belongings? It won't improve your relationship with your parents but really, there doesn't seem to be anything to salvage? Why not call the non-emergency number 101 to see what they suggest?

The other option is to have a very supportive friend (preferably Male) with you at this nominated time and place - but try 101 first for advice? 🌹

DorotheaDiamond · 01/05/2021 14:19

Do you have any (preferably large male) friends who can accompany you? Turn up, collect your stuff and leave?

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