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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’ve been harassed, assaulted, abused, or raped or in any way by men?

271 replies

TrialOfStyle · 24/03/2021 20:50

YANBU - you have been (in ways described below or beyond)
YABU - you have not been (in ways described below or beyond)

It’s just a quick show of hands, really, as I know some people are skeptical of the recent polls.

Obviously it’s entirely up to you to define this but harassment I would consider anything from (but not limited to) catcalling, unwanted comments (in virtue of your looks/body/attractiveness (yes, being told to smile) femininity, negative parenting as a mother and not just as a parent, or in some way negative biology of woman), stalking, persistence when you’ve already said no.

Assault - physic or verbal.

Abuse - emotional, physical, mental or sexual

Rape - including (but I consented to x but he did y)

I have had everything from the above (which is why my list includes it, but I certainly have miss r so things. However I’d be interested in the poll to see the responses).

Ps - before it’s ask, I’m clearly not a journalist or someone being toady (go ahead and advance search). I’m just curious to see how to polls align.

OP posts:
Onedropbeat · 25/03/2021 03:54

My cousin touched me when I was 9

I was gang raped in a park at 16

My exh raped me a few days before I left him for good

Those are just the more serious assaults

I’ve hardly told anyone any of this

Onedropbeat · 25/03/2021 03:56

And I was attacked by a hotel Porter in my hotel room abroad in an African country when I was 14 , luckily I fought him off and my family reported that one

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 25/03/2021 04:25

@damagedbutnotbroken thank you for the survey link I have filled it in. Flowers

Pyewackect · 25/03/2021 04:32

Only by a another woman. She only stopped pestering me when I threatened to tell her husband.

Parkerwhereareyou · 25/03/2021 05:13

Just listed them all out. It took a while.

Then decided too bad to post.

Yes I've experienced all categories. And please add extortion to the list.

The defence always being: it's your fault for being too attractive and nice.

Hmm.

Parkerwhereareyou · 25/03/2021 05:16

Oh and yes it's only recently I thought what the f ...

I'm not sure what's the worst. I think probably when your very protector turns into the bogey man. That's very bad.

OlympicProcrastinator · 25/03/2021 05:23

Countless times. Daily occurrence, several times a day as a 20 something living and working in London.

Downunderduchess · 25/03/2021 05:52

Honestly too many times to recount. At work, on public transport, walking along the street during the day, nightclubs, taxis, online. I can remember one of the first times it happened, I was 14 years old, waiting for a bus, horrible old man walked up to me & said something filthy he wanted to do to me. And so it goes for many women in society today. Also happened within a relationship.

Ahwelltoobad · 25/03/2021 05:53

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Yanbu.

Started at age 4. Last time was 2 days ago (verbal harassment for not giving my number).

I was hoping I was old enough and fat enough that the abuse portion if my life was over.

I've armed my daughters with skills I never had though so hopefully my life won't be their lives.

I need to do the same, could you please share those skills? I feel all I do is scare my DC instead of preparing them/arming them with skills.
ThisIsMeOrIsIt · 25/03/2021 06:17

Mine is 20 years ago and a very small incident, but I've not forgotten. I was with my boyfriend's band in a pub as they sound checked and was watching the stage. One of the middle-aged men (I was about 20) punched my bum. I turned round and said "no". That was it. But it's the sense of entitlement that this man around 20 years my senior (not that age is anything to do with it) felt it was okay to touch a young woman without her permission.

Shreddiesandmilk120 · 25/03/2021 06:17

When I was 12 me and my friends went to McDonalds and a group of guys trapped us upstairs near the toilet and tried to get us to have sex with them. That was quite scary.

Then when I was 15 a guy literally chased me down the river and grabbed me. He separated me from my friend while his friend made sure to keep her away while he tried to have sex with me behind a wall. He literally made me touch his .

When I was 15 me and a guy walked through this woods and under a bridge I wasn’t raped but I felt like he did force me to have sex with him on the ground. It didn’t matter how many times I said no he would leave me alone. But I was embarrassed to scream or run off.

Then again at 15/16 I was walking through the woods with another guy same thing happened ended up forcing me onto the ground to have sex and then told me the condom broke made a joke about being pregnant and then ran off and left me. It took me ages to find my way back to the main pathway.

When I was 24 a man strangled me during sex it hurt so bad I had to go to the doctors.

My cousin’s best friend tried to literally pin me up against a bar in front of him and his girlfriend and rub his up against me trying to grope my boobs he was so drunk.

Honestly I look back now and through my teens there were many situations on top of this where I had sex with guys because I was too embarrassed to say no. I will never understand what that was all about.

millionmilesaway · 25/03/2021 06:25

All of the above and more many, many times. I'm not vulnerable in any way other than being female, from a 'naice' area... some of the men who've done such things were the type who are well respected. I look back and curse or cry or both. Realised I was gay in my late twenties and the world feels safer now somehow.

Minnie888 · 25/03/2021 06:31

Unfortunately the question isn’t have you, it’s probably more likely how many times. Again mostly as a young women in my teens/ early twenties.

Graciebobcat · 25/03/2021 06:32

Of course I have, I don't know how any woman would avoid it. People say it's "Not all men," and it isn't, but it's enough men to cause nearly all women a problem at some point or other. Usually pretty regularly when you are younger.

boobot1 · 25/03/2021 06:36

Yes, don't know a woman who hasn't.

sweetkitty · 25/03/2021 07:01

Yes to all of the above

gabsdot45 · 25/03/2021 07:04

Of course I have. Harassment and mild assault (being touched by strangers while walking down the street twice and being grabbed and mauled by a group of boys I knew.
All happened before I was 25.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 25/03/2021 07:05

Won’t go into details but yes I have. All of those listed. Many, many times by different men.

WomenAreBornNotWorn · 25/03/2021 07:10

Many times. At work,in parks,clubs pubs,on the street on holiday. It's only got better as I've aged beyond what's worth 'lusting over'.

lollipoprainbow · 25/03/2021 07:16

I was thinking yesterday about a situation that made me very uncomfortable but this was around 20 years ago, I was mid twenties and had started a new job and I used to walk to work, I had to pass a builders merchants and there was a man who used to stand outside and stare and make comments, I thought it was a one off but he started doing it every day and made me really dread going past. This went on a while and eventually the merchants closed down and he disappeared.

Ahwelltoobad · 25/03/2021 07:21

@Shreddiesandmilk120

When I was 12 me and my friends went to McDonalds and a group of guys trapped us upstairs near the toilet and tried to get us to have sex with them. That was quite scary.

Then when I was 15 a guy literally chased me down the river and grabbed me. He separated me from my friend while his friend made sure to keep her away while he tried to have sex with me behind a wall. He literally made me touch his .

When I was 15 me and a guy walked through this woods and under a bridge I wasn’t raped but I felt like he did force me to have sex with him on the ground. It didn’t matter how many times I said no he would leave me alone. But I was embarrassed to scream or run off.

Then again at 15/16 I was walking through the woods with another guy same thing happened ended up forcing me onto the ground to have sex and then told me the condom broke made a joke about being pregnant and then ran off and left me. It took me ages to find my way back to the main pathway.

When I was 24 a man strangled me during sex it hurt so bad I had to go to the doctors.

My cousin’s best friend tried to literally pin me up against a bar in front of him and his girlfriend and rub his up against me trying to grope my boobs he was so drunk.

Honestly I look back now and through my teens there were many situations on top of this where I had sex with guys because I was too embarrassed to say no. I will never understand what that was all about.

When I was 15 me and a guy walked through this woods and under a bridge I wasn’t raped but I felt like he did force me to have sex with him on the ground. It didn’t matter how many times I said no he would leave me alone. But I was embarrassed to scream or run off. - This IS rape. And not your fault. You've really been through a lot, I'm so sorry!
happinessischocolate · 25/03/2021 07:22

Yes many, the worst one being I was drugged by my flatmate and his friend, I'd known them both for 4/5 years and trusted them both.

When I was 18 i had a taxi driver try and take me down a dead end road near my house, fortunately I managed to get out of the car and away from him. I reported him to the police, but they seemed to believe his story that id run off without paying.

They're the 2 that stand out, but there's been plenty of others.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 25/03/2021 07:23

YANBU

inigomontoyahwillcox · 25/03/2021 07:25

All of the above - all by men

grapewine · 25/03/2021 07:28

@TheWaif

Why are you asking though?

And why the fuck are people posting stories about it for perverts to wank over?

My thoughts exactly!