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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’ve been harassed, assaulted, abused, or raped or in any way by men?

271 replies

TrialOfStyle · 24/03/2021 20:50

YANBU - you have been (in ways described below or beyond)
YABU - you have not been (in ways described below or beyond)

It’s just a quick show of hands, really, as I know some people are skeptical of the recent polls.

Obviously it’s entirely up to you to define this but harassment I would consider anything from (but not limited to) catcalling, unwanted comments (in virtue of your looks/body/attractiveness (yes, being told to smile) femininity, negative parenting as a mother and not just as a parent, or in some way negative biology of woman), stalking, persistence when you’ve already said no.

Assault - physic or verbal.

Abuse - emotional, physical, mental or sexual

Rape - including (but I consented to x but he did y)

I have had everything from the above (which is why my list includes it, but I certainly have miss r so things. However I’d be interested in the poll to see the responses).

Ps - before it’s ask, I’m clearly not a journalist or someone being toady (go ahead and advance search). I’m just curious to see how to polls align.

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 25/03/2021 20:32

Yes to all of the above.
YANBU

Witchcraftandhokum · 25/03/2021 20:35

Nope. Never happened to me.

NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 20:38

That made me smile witch I'm glad some of us don't get all this Smile

lightattheendofthetunnel2021 · 25/03/2021 20:39

Weirdly, it would seem, no. Cat called - yes (a while back now ;)), chatted up - yes, lots, but never harassed. Don't know any of my female friends back home (born in the 70s) who ever felt concerned about the boys in our year or school. Where I come from, there are no single sex schools. Never had a man approach me nor talk to me inappropriately at work either.

Have I felt a bit concerned walking home at night, whether real or imagined,? Yes - done the keys in my hand and crossing streets thing. Which we shouldn't have to do!

NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 20:41

Having read these threads on MN for years I've come to the conclusion that there are big differences in general depending on where you live.

I grew up in London and it was men approaching/ shouting at etc schoolgirls, not so often boys doing it.

lightattheendofthetunnel2021 · 25/03/2021 20:48

I do have a lovely friend and, for some reason, she was always attracting this kind of attention. Could never put the finger on why...it never happened to me (don't think I was jealous - I was never short of lovely boyfriends). Only had positive approaches, chatting up by guys but I'm probably seen as quite aloof so the leches wouldn't dare approach me. I'm very picky about stuff in general, so maybe I send off real f-up vibes. Also remember watching TV series even as a fairly young girl that covered incest etc so I was aware of it, talked about it with my parents so would never have accepted it tbh. A forced/physical approach I wouldn't be able to fight off, but never happened to me. ;)

Flowers24 · 25/03/2021 20:49

I dont consider being chatted up or having nice comments to me as bad, quite like it !

NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 20:53

Being chatted up in a gentle non pressure way is fine.

You say they were letches though which doesn't sound like nice chatting up!

'Also remember watching TV series even as a fairly young girl that covered incest etc so I was aware of it, talked about it with my parents so would never have accepted it tbh. '

I think some reading around CSA in the family, grooming etc would give a wider view on this, it's not as easy as saying no if it's someone you love, you are a child, they are telling you no one will listen etc.

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 20:53

@speakout

jessstan2

Thank you- it feels good to be understood, and I extend my support to you too.

Thank you.

There was someone about whom I did speak out, many, many years later. The reason was I was approached by someone else who told me a lot had been coming out about things he'd done with other girls and as I knew this person, did I know anything or have anything to add. I did - and the more I learned, the more horrified I was. He was by this time an old man and died before anything could be done, however I was glad to have come out in solidarity with other victims.

lightattheendofthetunnel2021 · 25/03/2021 20:54

No, I do agree, the incest is a very difficult one. I meant that as I had watched TV dramas about incest, I would not have accepted it from someone outside the family.

I didn't come across any leches but I guess they would have avoided me at all cost!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/03/2021 20:56

@lightattheendofthetunnel2021

I do have a lovely friend and, for some reason, she was always attracting this kind of attention. Could never put the finger on why...it never happened to me (don't think I was jealous - I was never short of lovely boyfriends). Only had positive approaches, chatting up by guys but I'm probably seen as quite aloof so the leches wouldn't dare approach me. I'm very picky about stuff in general, so maybe I send off real f-up vibes. Also remember watching TV series even as a fairly young girl that covered incest etc so I was aware of it, talked about it with my parents so would never have accepted it tbh. A forced/physical approach I wouldn't be able to fight off, but never happened to me. ;)
You're so special . Wow. 🤩
NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 20:57

I don't think that there is anything you can do to stop this. It's down to the men not the targets.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

SARASTRA20 · 25/03/2021 20:59

Yes unfortunately. I still feel ashamed of some of the very serious 'incidents' because I didn't make a fuss. I froze instead. In addition to everything that happened to me I witnessed extreme sexual violence as a child.

Also on a daily basis when I was younger adult and teenager I was followed more times then I could count, touched up etc. I've had men run up behind me and try to grab me. Nasty shouting and verbal abuse when advances are rejected and ignored. I had a very exaggerated shape and men categorised me based on this look as someone who 'must be asking for it, a whore, a hooker' etc. They thought they could touch me.

I was also stalked by a co-worker years ago and the police and my boss did nothing. He was writing essays pages and pages long about me to my management such was his level of disturbance. He used to send me hate mail sometimes twice a day with cut out newspaper letters. No one did anything and the police 'lost' the evidence. I left my job and I left the country for a while to get over the whole thing.

I also lost work because I wouldn't sleep with 'the boss'.

Now I'm a bit older these things don't happen so much and I don't work in unregulated industries anymore, but thinking about it I went through a lot and so did many of my female friends.

NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 20:59

I mean we can work towards stopping it if and when society decides it's unacceptable.

There will still be some creepy men but if it's not normal/ no consequences then a lot of them will stop.

I don't think there's anything girls/ women can do to stop being harassed/ wanked at etc if they are in the path of a man who likes doing that.

BigPyjamas · 25/03/2021 21:01

Yes.

Assaulted so many times by so many men that I'd rather not count.

Raped twice. Once by my current husband. I've never forgiven him

NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 21:01

You've had an awful time SARA and if course none of it was your fault. Freezing is a normal reaction. It's all on the men who did these things.

I'm loving the 'age of invisibility'. I never realised how much it sort of weighed on me until it pretty much stopped.

squishmittens · 25/03/2021 21:03

I've experienced lots of casual and systemic sexism throughout my life, but no sexual harassment or violence of any kind that I can recall. I'm not sure how or why I've been so lucky.

itsasin77 · 25/03/2021 21:08

I was 13 and behaving more like a 23yr
Old.
I faked sleeping at a friends and was actually staying at 24yr olds house, we had sex and he videos me and sent it to every other bike he knew.
I’m not even sure now wtf I was doing!!!!
I did consent; but he should’ve known better, but of course he did know what he was doing!
This was 30yes ago. I do often think if he realises how wrong it was.
The sad thing is I know it was wrong, but don’t still consider it assault or anything.
However, I do to this day suffer from needing constant praise and appreciation by my DH.

itsasin77 · 25/03/2021 21:08

Bloke not bike*

Lessthanaballpark · 25/03/2021 21:17

The sad thing is I know it was wrong, but don’t still consider it assault or anything.

We always let men off on technicalities. Look at you, mitigating what he did by how you acted “like a 23 year old”. But what 24 year old, a grown man, thinks it’s ok to sleep with a 13 year old and send the video to his friend afterwards?

Jenasaurus · 25/03/2021 21:26

Yes, victim of DV from my ex, both physical and verbal. Sexually Assaulted by my dentist when I was 12, he used to make me sit on a stool between his legs put my head back against his chest and show him how I cleaned my teeth, I realised I could feel something bulging behind me, and then he told me it was his birthday and tried to kiss me his wife was the receptionist and he jumped away when she came in the room. I later read about him going to prison for assaulting a 17 year old at the swimming club where he was chairman.

Another Ex forced me to have sex when I didnt want to and thought he knew better and would say, I told you, that you would enjoy it afterwards

SinisterBumFacedCat · 25/03/2021 23:40

When I was a teenager quite a bit. I never knew how to respond to attention, I just froze and later berated myself for being prudish. I didn’t get that it was ok not to enjoy this from guys I wasn’t interested in. Like my friends brother during a game of hide and seek suddenly stroking my chest and calling me his little friend when I was 12, or the man from the council come to fix my radiator half way through a conversation picking up my bra from the floor and casually asking “are you filling it yet?” (for years I blamed myself for having a messy bedroom) or the great uncle who liked me so much in my bridesmaids dress that he spent the reception groping my arse, I told my mum and she advised me to ignore it, and proudly later stated that he had never gone after her, only me and my Nan in the same time period. My very feminist mother still likes to say men get so arroused they can’t control themselves, which i now believe is bollocks, and that any attention should be taken as a compliment. I hate to think of all the times some stranger has yelled “smile” at me and I fucking did it, and hated it. Or had to invent a boyfriend to put off a man who won’t take no thanks I don’t want to get into a relationship with you for an answer but will respect a fictional bloke more than my actual opinion. I would say most of this rubbish happened when I was a teenager, not because I was irresistible but because I was young and that made me powerless in the eyes of these men.

IJustLovePirates · 26/03/2021 01:45

YANBU

Sexually assaulted by a man when I was a child; given alcohol and had an attempt to seduce me when I was a naive 16 year old by a male in a position of authority; abused physically and emotionally by ex husband; there’s more.....but it’s all so depressing

jessstan2 · 26/03/2021 01:57

SinisterBumFacedCat Thu 25-Mar-21 23:40:58
When I was a teenager quite a bit. I never knew how to respond to attention, I just froze and later berated myself for being prudish.
........
I understand that very well. I wish I had had more confidence back then.

CuntyMcBollocks · 26/03/2021 04:00

All of them at various times of my life

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