To think that being stressed and on the brink of a breakdown is just the new normal?

[SylviaPlath1984]

I was wondering if it was just me, that I'm burned out and exhausted but most people are pretty happy and laid back and have plenty of spare time to themselves...

But looking through a few posts here, it seems like everyone is really struggling. Being pulled in all directions, kids, housework, job, partner, no time for ourselves...

So am I wrong? Is your life pretty chilled and if so how/why, what am I doing wrong? Or as I suspect is the new normal to just work yourself to the bone and feel totally wiped out 24/7

I listened to Call You and Yours on R4 earlier. The topic was ‘Things from lockdown that you’d like to hang on to’. There was a steady stream of, mostly older, callers saying they’d been surprisingly happy in lockdown, lost weight/taken up exercise or new hobbies, were enjoying better mental health etc.

Personally I couldn’t identify with any of what was said; DP and I are very lucky in many ways but have struggled throughout lockdown with work, looking out for elderly parents, looking after toddler DD without l any respite or distractions and the general joyless Groundhog Day feeling of it all. Most of my friends are similar; several of those with school-aged children are now on ADs after months of juggling homeschooling and work. There is nothing to do outside of home life and work, and yet for the past year we’ve have zero time to relax or reflect on anything.

Then they spoke to an academic who had done a large scale study on mental health and stress during the pandemic. He said that the majority of the population had remained quite resilient throughout the pandemic, about 10% had actively enjoyed and benefited from lockdowns and another 25% had suffered from worsening stress and mental health issues. He emphasised several times that those suffering most were often young people and women with small children - which may go some way towards explaining why my personal experience diverged so much from that of the callers to the R4 show.

I have to say that older people who don’t have to look after children or parents and who have a steady retirement income can take advantage of a slower pace of life.

I think i must be having a breakdown but i can't as i'm a carer for my husband with parkinsons that is getting worse, medication doesn't work like it used to, he hasn't seen a doctor since he had a mini stroke last december, he needs grab rails on the stairs outside our flat but despite having social services out months ago our housing hasn't done it, so keeps falling over,huge bump on his head at the moment, no support whatsoever, my health is also going downhill, i have osteoathritis, at my hospital appointment they told me my blood pressure is very high, maybe thats because we had new neighbours above us drilling, sanding and hammering non stop for the last 12 days, last friday i caught the man upstairs with his face right up against our window peering in, we have to keep the blinds closed now, i logged with my housing trust, but anyone else i would have phoned the police, now i'm scared to walk from my flat through our communal hall in case i bump into him, my husband has to hobble on his crutch to walk out with me, my housing officer hasn't been available since before christmas, every day i walk around the streets to get away from the noise in our flat, the people upstairs are from a different culture, luckily my husband is too but he is not like them, so he has tried to reason with them about the noise, but they don't speak in English in front of me, and his wife is nowhere to be seen, dreading every day now waking up to this, i have constant panic attacks and my whole body shakes , no family support as my daughter and my little grandaughter who i adore are too far away

Certainly not our experience as an older couple that things have been in any way positive, maybe for the wealthy who don't need the NHS

I am finding its groundhog day, like someone else said alcohol numbs the edges , not good but what else? Getting desperate and although never suffered with depression, can feel signs of it coming on.

I really love my job so that’s good but the early starts and then trying to have quality time between 6-10 when I want to crash and go to bed is hard sometimes I feel like after cooking tea, putting a wash on, bath etc it’s just time for bed but my partner likes to it ‘waste’ an evening, I am more of a go out at the weekend person but there’s no where to go so we often just feel like it’s Groundhog Day...

@Flowers24

I am finding its groundhog day, like someone else said alcohol numbs the edges , not good but what else? Getting desperate and although never suffered with depression, can feel signs of it coming on.

That was me Flowers, it’s totally understandable that so many of us feel this way when we’ve just had the daily grind for so long without any of the things that make live fun

Exactly, we can mostly put up with the daily grind if we have nice things to do, meal out, drink at the local, day out , upcoming holiday etc. Strip all that away and we are left with just, nothing?

I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I'm in constant pain from a severe back injury, need surgery but none is happening here and waiting list is getting longer and longer. ds is in a wheelchair, missed loads of school, found out Tue he's submitted no work all term wtf didnt any teacher tell me before???!!! I know they have a tough time, but a whole term?! Ds dad has been totally useless. Dd in yr 11 autistic freaking out. I'm supposed to be getting divorved but haven't got headspace due to pain and ds. It's endless, every week something else shit happens.

We are but hopefully it’s coming to an end of sorts now, I’m going to go for a drink with some friends in the garden during the Easter holidays even if I have to wear 19 jumpers!

@colouringindoors

I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I'm in constant pain from a severe back injury, need surgery but none is happening here and waiting list is getting longer and longer. ds is in a wheelchair, missed loads of school, found out Tue he's submitted no work all term wtf didnt any teacher tell me before???!!! I know they have a tough time, but a whole term?! Ds dad has been totally useless. Dd in yr 11 autistic freaking out. I'm supposed to be getting divorved but haven't got headspace due to pain and ds. It's endless, every week something else shit happens.

Wow, that is so much to be dealing with ❤️

Anyone else getting aching limbs and tiredness all the time? I was never like this pre lockdown?

I’m done. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Busier than I’ve ever been work wise and have almost reached crisis point. I’m not coping with the deaths. My relationship is failing. I am fighting the urge to run from it all every day. But where to?!

Yes I agree, being constantly stressed is just normality for so many.

I work, I spend time with the kids and I sleep. That’s pretty much it nowadays.

[quote Watchingthetelly]@SylviaPlath1984 for me it was breaking into tears all the time, losing my patience, couldn’t sleep, dreading every day, anxious all the time, and then feeling like I couldn’t keep doing it and that the sensible but not allowed option was to end it all. I’ve started seeing a counsellor for the first time and it’s been game changing. She said to me yesterday that I keep saying that I “should” be fine, that everyone is dealing with the same stuff, but that in her donkeys years of doing her job she’s met so many ppl like me. Job/house/kid/husband can be a lot to deal with, you’re trying to look after everyone else. I would really recommend trying talk therapy and I hope it’s comforting tonight to know that you’re not the only one feeling this way xxx[/quote]
I feel like I wrote this myself!

I have 'coped' for years. I'm not sure how but I've realised I can't do it any more. I am constantly stressed, snapping at DH, not enjoying life. My teaching job has become miles more stressful and the goodwill is running dry.

My therapist also told me I was saying 'should' a lot. She told me I need to stop taking responsibility for everything and everyone else and put myself first. I had a big realisation that I wasn't actually centering myself in any part of my life.

I've started with small changes - cleaning my face every night, drinking enough water, listening to podcasts to unwind, reducing the amount of news I watch. She called it valuing myself. I had heard the saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup' but I'm only just really understanding how true it is.

My husband went to the dentist for a cracked molar and the dentist said he is shocked by the number of people coming to him with cracked teeth through stress...they are grinding their teeth at night. He says he could just out in a recording of himself and walk away as there are so many patients coming in with the same thing.

After having the realisation that (yet again) I felt on the verge of breakdown at the beginning of 2020 I used the pandemic to re-think my priorities.

I've taken a job that I enjoy, that is less than half my previous (large) salary but that is strictly 9-5pm.

It's been a life changing experience.

@Flowers24

I am finding its groundhog day, like someone else said alcohol numbs the edges , not good but what else? Getting desperate and although never suffered with depression, can feel signs of it coming on.

I didn't drink much before lockdown

About to make a second cocktail. I think it does more than numb the edges but that may be because I'm relatively new.

Chin chin!

This year has been dreadful. Last year was very up and down, with positive bits to lockdowns in amongst some really shit times. This year I'm just done in. I am so thin skinned that everything sets me off crying. I am stressed, snappy, tearful and often self destructive. It's got to the stage that I'm struggling to be normal around other people (FaceTime calls, walks etc) so I'm mostly just shutting down.
We have loads planned for reopening but I'm unconvinced how much will happen and have no ability to look ahead that far.
I'm just so sad.

Sandra "I am so thin skinned that everything sets me off crying."

I alternate between that and burning rage.

Oh I can rage too. I've slammed many doors and screamed the word 'fuck' a lot. I don't actually know what to do with the rage sometimes and it's worrying.

The last year has been the most stress free in recent years for me. A mixture of wfh/ work has allowed me to be home when my dc came home from school even if J was actually working. The first time in their lives not to be in wrap around care and allowed me to reduce my full time single parent guilt.
I was/ am able to stay on top of housework and actually have the time to make a proper home cooked dinner most nights that I can prepare in what would have been commute time.
I have kept in contact with family and friends as per guidelines which while hard has meant reduced risk and therefore many more years with them.
I have been able to get off the hamster wheel of running dc to clubs every week and running about trying to see everyone every weekend.
I have loved not going shopping for shit that we never needed but in the habit of doing.
It’s fair to say I am generally grounded and resilient most of the time but still have the odd wobble.
I’m lucky in that I have a secure job therefore do not have to worry any more than outwith COVID times about my financial situation but then I have always been in the breadline.
I have friends who have struggled with anxiety over the last year but who don’t expect this to be their norm once restrictions lift and they adapt to whatever lies ahead.

I do however miss going out with my friends and getting ridiculously drunk, not so much fun on your own.
to those struggling

fembot123 thank you.

The trouble is so many people have spent time on fakebook building up their profiles that its hard to admit things aren't as wonderful as they have made out. So everyone thinks everyone else is having a great time and spending all their time at home home learning new crafts, decluttering and decorating etc. Yes, some might have. However, suddenly, according to statistics, many newbie gardeners have now lost interest, lots of dogs bought in lockdown are unwanted.
In the real world, I think people are probably up and down on a daily basis and even those who say they haven't been affected, have been because it affects everyone in some way. I've tried to remain positive in looking at all the ways me and my family are lucky, health etc, sorry bit of a cliche I know but I have bad days when I think about how the world has changed.Sometimes its simply pure boredom! My husband has a job where he has been able to work the same throughout and says he has not been affected but his short temper/stress levels when reacting to small problems tell me otherwise.